How to Win a Nobel Prize
by Mad Dog

   That’s exactly the problem with the Nobel Prizes—they’re too serious. They’re not interested in everyday discoveries that help our lives, they prefer the esoteric. The more esoteric the better. They search for research which no one other than the prize committee can understand, and even then we know they’re following the advice of The Surrendered Wife and faking it for the sake of the relationship. They don’t honor true advances in economics like the invention of No Money Down, No Interest For Six Months. Or medical advances like Preparation H With Calcium in New Country Fresh Scent. They like things that deal with molecules, theories, and incomprehensible books no one can finish.

   For example, the Nobel Prize in Physics this year went to three researchers who supercooled 2,000 rubidium atoms so they lined up into a single wave, much like the fans at a football game waiting for the bathroom. If they were really that good they would have gotten the atoms to do The Wave. Then even I’d be impressed. Interestingly, Einstein predicted that this was possible—the atoms lining up, not the football fans—yet he wasn’t included in the award because of a technicality. He’s dead. The scientists say this work “could be used” to create superprecise clocks and ultrafast computers. One day. Maybe. Unless they can think of something a little less useful to do with it before then.

   Then there’s the prize for chemistry, which went to the three scientists who figured out a way to selectively choose which of two versions of a molecule will be created in a chemical reaction. See, it turns out that when they manufacture drugs, two forms of the molecule are often created. They have the same atomic structure but are mirror images of each other, often having different properties, with one being good and the other being bad. It’s like Superman and Bizarro Superman. Or the Olsen Twins. The scientists figured out a way to cause the chemical reaction and create only the molecule they want. It’s like being able to choose Ginger over Maryanne. And getting her every time.

   You’ll notice that each of these prizes went to groups of three men. That’s another reason I feel like I’ve been overlooked: I only have two personalities. As soon as I fully develop that third one I’m sure they’ll have to give me something. Of course it might be Prozac. But I’m not relying on multiple personalities to clinch a Nobel Prize, that would be too much like charity. That’s why I’m submitting some of my research now for consideration next year.

   Physics – Light isn’t a particle or a wave, it’s made of feathers. After all, the sun gives off light. Feathers are light. Therefore, the sun gives off feathers. And to prove it, I’m sleeping like a baby thanks to the new light-filled pillow and light-filled comforter I made.

   Medicine – An apple a day doesn’t keep the doctor away, HMOs do since they won’t cover the cost of a house call.

   Chemistry – Okay, I don’t have this quite solved yet but I’m close. When I announce that I’ve figured out why it takes three times as long to toast English Muffins as it does any other bread the prize is mine, baby.

   Peace – The other day I let a guy who was driving like a maniac cut in front of me on the highway. Sure he was bigger than I was, had a Glock 9mm in his hand, and looked like Dennis Hopper doing a Crispin Glover imitation, but that’s not the point. I helped keep the peace.

   Literature – I have two words to say to the Nobel committee: “This column.”

   I sure hope the Stockholm Motel 6 has a room available for me next year.

©2001 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them so you can brag that you did it before I won a Nobel Prize.