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Peace Prize Out,
Dude!
by Mad Dog
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The truth is, who cares about the Nobel Prizes? They’re
stuffy, oh so serious, and have nothing to do with our mundane,
workaday, pitiful lives. |
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Nominations for the Nobel
Peace Prize are closed, which means only one thing — it’s time to
face up to the truth and cancel my October reservation at the Stockholm
Motel 6. Again. At last count the Prize Committee (motto: “We’re
looking for dynamite ideas”) received 167 nominations for the Peace
Prize, and apparently my name wasn’t on the list. While they don't
disclose the names of those who are nominated — after all, they don't
want to start a stampede to Kinko’s so people can get new business
cards printed with "Nobel Peace Prize Nominee" under their
name — the word has leaked out. It seems those who actually do the
nominating have big mouths and don’t care about business cards. Or
just like to brag that they can nominate someone and we can’t. Great,
now I feel like a two-time loser and the winners haven’t even been
announced.
Among those nominated were global
Powerpointer Al Gore, former Malaysian prime minister Dr. Mahathir
Mohamad, Rush Limbaugh, and Mordechai Vanunu, the Susan Lucci of the
Nobel Peace Prize who's been nominated each of the past 20 years. And
lost every time. It’s guys like him who make me feel like a winner for
not having even been nominated. Of course I’m in good company, since
George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Osama bin Laden, Geraldo Rivera, and you
weren’t nominated either. Sorry if I’m breaking some bad news, but
we were Time’s Person of the Year, we can’t have everything.
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The nomination deadline for all of this year’s prizes has
passed. But as with the 2008 presidential campaign, it’s never too
soon to toss your hat in the ring to see who salutes the flagpole.
That’s why I’m submitting some of my research now for consideration
next year. |
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The truth is, who cares about the Nobel Prizes? They’re stuffy,
oh so serious, and have nothing to do with our mundane, workaday,
pitiful lives. They’re all about world peace, molecules, theories with
names only an etymologist could love, and incomprehensible books no one
can finish. The committee isn’t interested in everyday discoveries
that help our lives, they prefer the esoteric. The more esoteric the
better. They look for research that no one other than the prize
committee can understand, and even then we know they’re following the
advice of The Surrendered Wife and faking it for the sake of the
relationship. They don’t honor true advances in economics like the
invention of No Money Down, No Interest For Six Months. Or medical
advances like Preparation H With Calcium and Lycopene in New Country
Fresh Scent. They prefer potential over the practical. Yes it’s true,
the Nobel Prize rewards underachievers.
Last year the Nobel Peace Prize was
awarded to Bangladeshi economist Muhammad Yunus for pioneering the use
of micro-credit, in spite of the fact that I’ve had micro-credit my
whole life. Just ask my bank who won’t loan me a dime, they’ll back
me up on this. The prize for physics was awarded for discovering “the
blackbody form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background
radiation," the prize in chemistry went for studying “the
molecular basis of eukaryotic transcription," and the remaining
prizes all went posthumously to Al Kelly for his discoveries in
doubletalk. Face it, without his pioneering efforts the others never
could have won.
Unfortunately, the nomination
deadline for all of this year’s prizes has passed. But as with the
2008 presidential campaign, it’s never too soon to toss your hat in
the ring to see who salutes the flagpole. That’s why I’m submitting
some of my research now for consideration next year.
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When
I announce that I’ve figured out why it takes three times as long to
toast an English Muffin as it does any other bread, the prize is mine.
With orange marmalade please. |
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Economics – I’ve discovered the reason deficit spending
only works for the government. When I try it, people call me at all
hours of the night demanding I pay up immediately or they’ll repossess
my George Foreman Grill. So I go and borrow money from a new credit card
that’s offering 1.013% interest for the next six months and use it to
pay off the old one. Of course six months later the creditors are back.
On the other hand, when bill collectors call to nag the government for
payments, they’re told, “Hey, we’re not responsible for that
deficit, call the previous administration.” Since they have no clue
who to wake up at 3 A.M. to threaten now, they give up and call me
again. It’s an offshoot of Trickle Down Theory.
Physics – Light, it turns
out, isn’t a particle or a wave, it’s made of feathers. After all,
the sun gives off light. Feathers are light. Therefore, the sun gives
off feathers. And to prove it, I’m sleeping like a baby thanks to the
new light-filled pillow and light-filled comforter I made.
Medicine – An apple a day
doesn’t keep the doctor away, HMOs do since they won’t cover the
cost of a house call.
Chemistry – Okay, I don’t
have this quite solved yet but I’m close. When I announce that I’ve
figured out why it takes three times as long to toast an English Muffin
as it does any other bread, the prize is mine. With orange marmalade
please.
Peace – The other day I let
a guy who was driving like a maniac cut in front of me on the highway.
Sure he was bigger than I was, had a Glock 9mm in his hand, and looked
like Steve Buscemi doing a Crispin Glover imitation, but that’s not
the point. I helped keep the peace, and that’s what it’s about.
Literature – I have two
words to say to the Nobel committee: This column.
I sure hope the Stockholm Motel 6
saves a room for me next year.
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for the plane to Stockholm.
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