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What
Would Jesus Buy?
by Mad Dog
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The movie’s
bound to boost book sales, especially when they release a new edition of
the Bible with big letters across the cover trumpeting, “Now a major
motion picture by Mel Gibson!” |
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There’s been a lot of
talk about Mel Gibson’s new movie, The Passion of the Christ.
The last thing it needs at this point is more free press, but let’s
get serious, I have a personal eternity to protect so I’d better get
my two cents in, hope it helps sell a few tickets, and pray that Someone
in Power remembers that I could have written about kids who are getting
too fat, California legislators who want to incorporate feng shui into
the state building code, or how I watched the video of Justin Timberlake
tearing Janet Jackson’s dress over and over and was disgusted every
time, but I won’t. I need all the help I can get.
I have to say right off the bat that
I haven’t seen the movie and don’t plan to. Heck, I read the book, I
already know how it ends. It’s the same reason I didn’t see Titanic
— did anyone really think they were going to ditch the iceberg and
have the ship sail into New York City with the King of the World hanging
over the bow? That’s not to suggest that there probably wasn’t at
least one studio executive who thought about meddling with The
Passion. I’m sure after it was screened for a test audience
someone pulled Gibson aside and said, “Look, everyone thinks the
ending’s too downbeat. It’s a bummer for, well, for goodness sake.
Is there any chance you can re-shoot the ending so he gets the girl, she
gives up her wayward life, and they settle down in a cute little
two-room manger on a kibbutz in Israel? And how do you feel about moving
the location to New York or L.A. so it’s a little more accessible? I
mean, Israel’s such a downer these days.”
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The only reason
you won’t find Jesus and Pontius Pilate action figures in your Happy
Meal is that someone was smart enough to realize that most parents
don’t want to watch their children make a crucifix out of two french
fries. |
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The movie’s gotten off to a roaring start at the box office,
thanks in part to churches which have bought blocks of seats and sent
busloads of parishioners who are shocked when they’re let out at the
cineplex and not the casino as they expected. But ticket sales aren’t
the only thing getting a boost, there’s going to be an economic ripple
effect. First, the movie’s bound to boost book sales, especially when
they release a new edition of the Bible with big letters across the
cover trumpeting, “Now a major motion picture by Mel Gibson!” and a
special pull-out section featuring photographs from the movie. And then
there’s the merchandising.
That’s right, all you have to do is
walk into your favorite religious book store and you can buy The
Passion pendants, which are crude nails just like those used in the
movie hanging from a leather cord. In two sizes, no less. You can also
buy The Passion crucifixes, lapel pins, key chains, coffee mugs
(microwaveable and dishwasher-safe, thank god), and of course the
official soundtrack CD and $24.99 coffee-table book. I suspect the only
reason you won’t find Jesus and Pontius Pilate action figures in your
Happy Meal is that someone was smart enough to realize that most parents
don’t want to watch their children make a crucifix out of two french
fries while urging Pontius to hang a ketchup-covered Jesus on it. Not to
mention that in order to keep the theme going they’d insist on serving
your hamburger bloody and raw.
These
merchandise sales will help Gibson earn what Forbes magazine
estimates will be $300 million from the movie. They say you can’t buy
salvation, but if it turns out they’re wrong at least he won’t have
to worry about not having enough cash for the cover charge at the pearly
gates. But before we, uh, crucify him for this, we need to give him a
little credit. After all, he showed a lot of restraint by not having any
paid product placement in the movie. Come on, you don’t think they
drink Cokes on American Idol and wore Ray-Bans in Men in Black
by accident, do you?
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Of course there would be the inevitable TV commercial for
Visa that says, “A Passion pendant, $12.99. A seat at Rosh Hashanah
services, $300. Eternal salvation, priceless.” |
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Gibson could
have picked up a nice chunk of cash from corporate sponsors who would
love to have their products affiliated with the son of God. Okay, so
it’s not as effective as having Shaquille O'Neal as your spokesperson,
I’m sure Jesus’ agent wouldn’t hold out for nearly as much money.
Think about it, the hammers and nails in the movie could have been made
by Craftsman. The crown of thorns could have been fashioned from the new
2004 Jackson & Perkins rose bushes. The whips could have been
supplied by Stormy Leather in San Francisco, Jesus’ loincloth could
have been Fruit of the Loom, and the Roman soldiers could have been
running around in Birkenstocks or Tevas. Hopefully not while wearing
white socks.
He also could have extended the
merchandising. The movie could sponsor a NASCAR race called The Passion
Holy Grail Cup. Cross pens could put out a limited edition that writes
with red ink. And by simply putting one word in front of Elizabeth
Taylor’s perfume they’d have The Passion, “Smell good for
eternity.” Of course there would be the inevitable TV commercial for
Visa that says, “A Passion pendant, $12.99. A seat at Rosh Hashanah
services, $300. Eternal salvation, priceless.”
So many choices, so little money.
That’s why you have to ask yourself, “What would Jesus buy?”
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Jesus would read them.
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