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Heavy
Petting in America
by Mad Dog
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Chickens are an
up-and-coming pet, especially among vegetarians who prefer to play with
rather than eat something with a face. |
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We love pets. This is
borne out by the fact that more than 58 percent of the households in
this country have at least one. Considering that only 70 percent of us
have cable TV, 93 percent have indoor plumbing, and 42 percent think
Paul Wolfowitz is a breed of dog, that’s a pretty high number.
The most popular pets are cats, with
nearly 69 million of the fuzzballs laying around licking themselves
while pretending not to hear their owner calling their name.
Surprisingly, they outnumber dogs, of which there are 6.1 million, and
you know the cats never let Fido forget it for a second. Or any other
dog for that matter since, face it, no one actually names their dog
Fido, Rover, or Spot.
Ferrets are becoming popular as pets,
with over 1 million of them hiding under the sofa trying to avoid kids
who scream Pop Goes The Weasel while chasing them all over the
house. This puts them ahead of hamsters, which used to have a pet
population that high but have fallen out of favor. This in spite of Carl
and Ray, the stars of Blockbuster’s TV commercials, the dancing
hamsters on the Internet, and the popular meat-sharing peer-to-peer
computer program, HamSter. There’s just no accounting for taste.
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Nineteen percent
of cat owners celebrate their pet’s birthday, 6 percent of dog owners
are as attached to their pet as their spouse, and most pet owners would
rather answer a survey than answer the question, “Does this make me
look fat?”. |
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Reptiles, including turtles, snakes, lizards, and timeshare
salesmen, are far more popular, with over 2.8 million of them being kept
as pets. This isn’t surprising since they’re not only cute, cuddly,
and fun to walk on a leash—particularly the timeshare salesmen, but
they’re more effective than a burglar alarm. At least the snakes are.
A company in Harare, Zimbabwe named Repsec, short for reptile security,
rents cobras to act as security guards when people go on vacation. The
company tapes up all potential exit holes, drops a couple of cobras in
the living room, and posts a warning sign outside which is in two
languages and shows the international symbol of “Caution: Watchsnakes
Inside,” which is probably a thick line with a big human-shaped bulge
in the middle. Not bad for $12 a day. It sure goes a long way towards
answering why there aren’t more hamsters as pets, at least not when
you come home from vacation.
Chickens, it seems, are an
up-and-coming pet, especially among vegetarians who prefer to play with
rather than eat something with a face. A recent news story from the
Associated Press claims chickens are becoming “hip suburban pets.”
It’s difficult to tell if they mean the pets are hip or the people who
own them are delusional enough to think they are, but one thing that’s
certain is that the neighbors consider them to be potential dinner. The
chickens, not the owners. I hope.
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Pet guardians will tell you that they do these things
because their pets are so smart. They are when compared to lower forms
of life such as sea slugs, dung beetles, and Carrot Top, but few are as
smart as Jim the Wonder Dog. |
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People think of their pets as more than just, well, pets. A
survey by the American Pet Association (motto: “Petting is fun.”)
found that 19 percent of cat owners celebrate their pet’s birthday, 6
percent of dog owners are as attached to their pet as their spouse, and
most pet owners would rather answer a survey than answer the question,
“Does this make me look fat?”. Thus it’s not surprising that San
Francisco has recently joined Boulder, CO, Amherst, MA, and the state of
Rhode Island in officially declaring that animal owners will no longer
be known by that name, but will be called pet guardians. Advocates of
this change say the new terminology promotes greater responsibility and
respect for pets while following the federal government’s guidelines
for using euphemisms whenever possible. While not nearly as good as
regime change, collateral damage, or Rumsfeld’s declaring Iraq’s
looting and anarchy to be “untidy”, it’s still better than the
other suggestions they considered in lieu of pet owner, which included
pet custodian, dirty rotten chicken lover, and sucker who buys expensive
canned food when the cheap dry stuff will do just fine.
Pet, uh, guardians will tell you that
they do these things because their pets are so smart. They are when
compared to lower forms of life such as sea slugs, dung beetles, and
Carrot Top, but few are as smart as Jim the Wonder Dog. Jim lived in
Marshall, MO from 1925 to 1937 and was so smart that there’s a statue
in his honor, right next to a building full of Wonder Dog memorabilia.
It seems Jim was psychic. He could predict the sizes and sexes of a
cat’s expected family, foretold Franklin Roosevelt’s election, and
for seven straight years predicted who was going to win the World
Series. And it was never the Chicago Cubs. He even interpreted Morse
code for the state legislature, though he failed when he tried to
interpret the laws they passed. Hey, you can’t expect everything—he
was only a dog, after all.
The truth is, all pets are smart.
Smarter than we are, as a matter of fact. After all, who’s the one who
gets to sleep 20 hours a day, is fed well, never has to pay for a
haircut, doesn’t have to work for a living, and always gets a
Christmas present? Someone tell me, where do I apply for that job?
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them to your pet.
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