|
| |
|
|
Not
With a Pop Rock but a Whimper
by Mad Dog
|
That’s not all
Mitchell did. Later in his career he made discoveries which were used to
develop Cool Whip, Jell-O, and Tang. I think it’s safe to say he was
the anti-Alice Waters. |
|
It’s starting to feel
like all the greats are dying. In recent months we’ve lost Ray
Charles, Marlon Brando, and Ronald Reagan. Now before you go getting
your Spider-Man Underoos in a knot, I’m not saying this because I’m
waxing nostalgic over a bunch of old-timers, nor am I belittling the
young upstarts who have wet dreams about taking their places. But think
about it, can you imagine Justin Timberlake, Ben Stiller, and George W.
Bush attaining exalted spots alongside their now-dead mentors? Of course
I could be wrong. After all, I predicted Smarty Jones was going to win
the Triple Crown and now it turns out his career is over and the poor
guy is going to spend the rest of his life on some farm earning tons of
money for having sex with lots of different partners, a retirement we
should all be so lucky to end up with.
While over time the hole left when
someone great dies will eventually be filled — after all, as we
learned in physics, nature abhors a vacuum nearly as much as a man who
has to clean the house — there are some people who are just flat out
irreplaceable. You know, people like William Mitchell, who recently died
at the age of 92. In case you’ve been too busy waiting to see if they
were just playing a joke and Friends will actually return in the
fall to check out the obituaries well, Mitchell made our world a more
fun place in which to live when he invented Pop Rocks. Of course you
remember Pop Rocks, they were the fruit-flavored candy nuggets that
exploded in your mouth and, if you believed the rumors, could be deadly
were you dumb, crazy, or daredevil enough to wash them down with a
carbonated beverage. So deadly, went the story, that cute little Mikey,
the obnoxious brat on the TV commercials who liked Life cereal, died
after eating six bags of pop rocks chased by a 6-pack of Pepsi. They
said he exploded. And died. But the truth is he didn’t do either one.
That proves there is no justice.
|
Where do you go
after individually wrapped peanut butter slices, Spongebob Squarepants
Pop Tarts, and individual microwaveable coffee “tea bags” can be
picked up at the corner market? |
|
Pop Rocks weren’t Mitchell’s first contribution to making our
world a better place in which to eat. During World War II he discovered
a substitute for tapioca, which apparently was in short supply. Why
tapioca was so popular and why anyone wanted it badly enough to be
interested in a lab-created substitute is a question best left to bored
historians, school cafeteria menu-makers, and people who worry about the
possibility of a new shortage developing thanks to the popularity of
pearl tea, the drink sensation that looks like a turned-off lava lamp
and has caused an increase in hernia operations due to overexertion from
sucking big gelatinous globules through thick straws in the name of
trendy refreshment.
That’s not all Mitchell did. Later
in his career he made discoveries which were used to develop Cool Whip,
Jell-O, and Tang. I think it’s safe to say he was the anti-Alice
Waters. So the question is: With a resume like that, who’s going to
replace him? Certainly not the Stephen Hawking wannabe who came up with
Krispy Kreme’s new Frozen Original Kreme, which is a drinkable version
of the company’s sugar coma-inducing doughnuts, the perfect
refreshment for anyone who wants to cut back on their fluffy
carbohydrates while keeping cool and taking a break from overpriced
Smoothies filled with delicious things nature never intended us to put
in our bodies, like wheat grass, spirulina, and used Swiffers.
|
Is there really
much of a market for Oreos with cookies that split apart automatically
thanks to tiny electric motors which are 250 times smaller than a human
hair? |
|
This isn’t to say that coming up with new food items is easy,
especially since, to quote Charles Duell, Commissioner of the U.S.
Patent Office in 1899 completely out of context, "Everything that
can be invented has been invented." Where do you go after P.B.
Slices individually wrapped peanut butter slices, Spongebob Squarepants
Pop Tarts, and individual microwaveable coffee “tea bags” can be
picked up at the corner market? True, you could use the current darling
scientific techniques, nanotechnology and genetic manipulation, but is
there really much of a market for Oreos with cookies that split apart
automatically thanks to tiny electric motors which are 250 times smaller
than a human hair, or Spongebob Squarepants yellow flesh watermelons
with only two seeds — right where the eyes should be? Hey, that was
rhetorical. I don’t really want to know the answer.
The genius of Pop Rocks is their
simplicity, they’re just carbon dioxide encased candy. The truth is,
they don’t need to be replaced, since after being pulled off the
market in 1983 they came back as Action Candy, and are now available
under their original name. But since we always need something new and
exciting in our lives, someone should consider mixing William
Mitchell’s discoveries posthumously so we can walk down to the corner
store and load up on Exploding Cool Whip, Jell-O-Pops, and Tang-Bang.
And they say everything that can be invented has. Hah!
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but don't eat Pop Rocks at the same time.
|
|
