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Vote Early And Vote
For A Long Time
by Mad Dog
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That’s where absentee ballots come in handy. They’re
easy. No muss, no fuss. You don’t have to leave the comfort of your
own home and you can fill it out naked if you want to. Or so I can only
imagine. |
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I just took half of Al
Capone’s advice — I voted early. I’d consider taking the second
half and vote often but, to be honest, it’s just too much work.
I know because I had an advance look
at this year’s roll of the dice — I mean, ballot for the
Consolidated General Election. It looked like I wouldn’t be home on
Election Day so I requested an absentee ballot. This isn’t the first
time I’ve done this. Heck, I voted in the 2000 presidential election
all the way from Bali, where FedEx was nice enough to overnight absentee
ballots for free. I didn’t track it —I handed to them, watched them
throw it in a bag, then left the office — so I don’t know for a fact
that they even sent it to the Department of Elections, but I’ll give
them the benefit of the doubt. Though considering how the election
turned out I should have put in a tracking request and asked for proof
of delivery. And a refund.
Even if I am in town I have a
tendency to vote early. I like being able to vote at my convenience
without all those icky people in line in front of me. Plus it makes me
feel special. I can pretend I have a VIP pass, or at least a “Do Not
Pass the Voting Machine, Do Not Collect $200 Unless You Promised A
Candidate You’d Vote For Them” card. I don’t have to mark it on my
calendar, don’t have to abandon my shopping cart in Safeway because I
suddenly realize I only have 20 minutes until the polls close, and
don’t have to worry about whether they’ve moved the polling place
from that gasoline and wet dog scented two-car garage to a fire station
I didn’t know existed, because if you vote early you always do it at
City Hall.
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It weighs in at a whopping 11 megs. Hey, if I want to spend
that kind of download time I’ll go to YouTube and watch a walrus doing
sit-ups to the theme from Rocky.
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The big drawback is you still have to leave the house. That’s
where absentee ballots come in handy. They’re easy. No muss, no fuss.
You don’t have to leave the comfort of your own home and you can fill
it out naked if you want to. There’s a certain satisfaction to voting
for the next president or governor while sitting at the kitchen table
wearing your birthday suit. Or so I can only imagine.
After putting it off for a couple of
days — something you can’t do on Election Day — I opened the
absentee ballot and proceeded to pull out a wad of five oversized ballot
cards that could choke a dark horse, all but one of them printed on both
sides. To put this in 21st century perspective, if you go to the San
Francisco Department of Elections website and download a PDF version of
the ballot it weighs in at a whopping 11 megs. Hey, if I want to spend
that kind of download time I’ll go to YouTube and watch a walrus doing
sit-ups to the theme from Rocky.
There were 11 sides to fill out. I
got to cast my vote 56 times, including for governor, senator,
representative, city assessor, whether to keep or dump 12 judges, and 24
(count ‘em, twenty four!) state, county, and city propositions. I
think it’s good that we the people can pretend we have a say in what
goes on — lord knows no one listens when we protest — but do those
people who supposedly govern really need to ask me whether they should
borrow money to fix the roads that ruin my car’s suspension, float
bonds so our kids can learn something for a change, and request that the
Mayor show up at a meeting of the Board of Supervisors once a month
whether they’re doing anything interesting or not?
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There’s
got to be an easier way. Maybe we can vote online and make it a game
like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Or we could call in our votes
using the same phone numbers as American Idol so we don’t have
to remember new ones. |
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If I want to make this many decisions about what the government
should and shouldn’t do I’ll run for office. After all, that’s
what we’re paying those who govern to do — govern. Maybe if they
spent a little more time doing their job they’d have less time to take
money from special interest groups, sneak off to have online chats with
Senate pages, and pretend Iraq isn’t in worse shape than it was when
we shocked and awed the living hell out of CNN. If I do have to do their
job, the least they can do is send me part of their salary. Hey, all
they’d have to do is ask Jack Abramoff to take it out of their monthly
check and forward it to me. You know, like a payroll deduction for the
401(k) plan I don’t get to have because I’m self-employed. Which is
a shame too, because it would be better preparation for my retirement
than the program I have now, which is standing in front of the mirror
practicing saying, “Can I help you out with your groceries,
ma’am?”
Unfortunately we can’t trust our
leaders to do the right thing so we have page after page of propositions
to vote on. They’re not really as mind boggling as they appear. Well,
as long as you don’t mind wading through the 169-page Voter Guide the
city put out explaining them. Which, by the way, doesn’t include the
state or county propositions.
There’s got to be an easier way.
Maybe we can vote online and make it a game like Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire. Or we could call in our votes using the same phone
numbers as American Idol so we don’t have to remember new ones.
Perhaps the government could mail each of us a coin with the
candidate’s faces on either side so we can flip it and send it back to
them. And why not? After all, that’s how we end up making most of our
Election Day choices anyway.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them
while standing in line at the polls.
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