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Wearing The Scarlet
Hello Kitty
by Mad Dog
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I’m not a criminologist, nor do I play one in the bedroom
as a rule, but I know that crime and punishment go well together, much
like, well, like a good book title. |
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Why is it most of us
don’t live a life of crime? Is it because we had the Ten Commandments
drilled into our heads as children so we fear having Charlton Heston
show up at our door wearing a nightgown and a long fake beard
threatening to burn down all our bushes if we don’t straighten up? Or
is it that our parents, teachers, nuns — okay, anyone who came in
contact with us during the formative years — did such a good job of
instilling guilt that we’re afraid if we do something wrong it will
eat away at us like it did to Christian Bale in The Machinist and
even Jennifer Jason Leigh won’t be able to stand being around us? Both
good possibilities, but chances are the main reason is that we’re
weenies and we’re afraid of the punishment. Which is, after all, the
point of it.
I’m not a criminologist, nor do I play one in the bedroom as a rule,
but I know that crime and punishment go well together, much like, well,
like a good book title. As the saying goes, if you do the crime you
should serve the time. Unless you’re Scooter Libby, of course. Even
Paris Hilton made good on her probation violation by spending 22 days in
jail. Granted it was 23 fewer days than it could have been but that’s
because they took time off for good behavior, overwrought and highly
entertaining crying in court, and a promise to send four platinum
mascara brushes to the warden’s wife next Christmas. Jail was, of
course, the only way Paris could learn. After all, this is someone who,
when told she had to pay her debt to society, whipped out Daddy’s
credit card. Her partner in TV crime, Nicole Richie, is also making
restitution by spending four days and four glorious nights in an L.A.
county jail, incidentally, the same one her pal stayed in. Apparently
Paris gave the Century Regional Detention Facility a four bar rating at
MyCellSpace.com.
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Some teenagers in Ohio who defaced a nativity scene had to
parade through town with a donkey, a man in Houston who stole guns from
Clayton Moore, the man who played the Lone Ranger, had to shovel manure
in the police stables.
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But jail time
and fines aren’t the only ways to be punished, shame works well too.
More and more judges are slapping postmodern scarlet letters on people
because, well, if it worked for Hester Prynne, why not for John Doe? A
judge in Attalla, Alabama, has been making anyone caught shoplifting at
the local Wal-Mart walk around town wearing sandwich-board signs that
say, “I am a thief; I stole from Wal-Mart.” It’s questionable
which part of that sentence is the more embarrassing. Meanwhile in
Massachusetts a man who threw a toga party was arrested for under-age
drinking, making too much noise, and having a keg without a license. He
was punished by having to wear his toga while standing in front of the
police station for an hour, with extra time being tacked on if he even
thought about doing a John Belushi imitation. Some teenagers in Ohio who
defaced a nativity scene had to parade through town with a donkey, a man
in Houston who stole guns from Clayton Moore, the man who played the
Lone Ranger, had to shovel manure in the police stables, and now Thai
police officers who are convicted of misdemeanors will have to wear
Hello Kitty armbands. It’s true!
The acting chief of the Crime
Suppression Division in Bangkok, Thailand, announced the other day that
police officers who are convicted of crimes like littering, parking in a
prohibited area, and showing up late for work will not only be taken off
the street and have to work in the station house, they'll have to wear
hot pink armbands emblazoned with an image of Hello Kitty sitting atop
two hearts. Hey, it beats having to tell the world you shop at Wal-Mart.
A second infraction will result in their having to wear a Strawberry
Shortcake party dress and, if they don't learn their lesson and they're
caught a third time, they'll have My Little Pony tattooed on their
forehead. Just kidding. Actually it will be Cassie from Dragon Tales.
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Then
there’s that couple in Arkansas who just had their 17th child. They
should be forced to walk around in public wearing photos of starving
children in Darfur. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. After all,
having to raise 17 kids is its own punishment. |
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Apparently there’s nothing legally wrong with meting out
shameful punishments. The Eighth Amendment to the Constitution (motto:
“If only we’d thought to call it the Vogue Dos and Don’ts it would
be more popular”) forbids cruel and unusual punishment, apparently
“and” being the operative word. A punishment can be unusual as long
as it’s not cruel. It helps if it in some way fits the crime. This
doesn’t mean we should take the idea of “an eye for an eye”
literally, like in countries where they’ll chop your hand off if
you’re caught stealing. I mean, God help you if they catch you
masturbating. The key is appropriateness.
Appropriate punishments are a good
thing. If someone steals your identity, you should get to use theirs for
a year. Sure you’re probably not real keen on the idea of adopting a
criminal’s identity, but stop and think about it. Imagine the things
you could do that you never would otherwise, safe in the knowledge that
at the end of the year the rap sheet won’t follow you around. If
someone runs into your car you should be able to play demolition derby
with theirs. And if a thief breaks into your house and steals something,
you should be able to go to their house and take whatever you want. Then
there’s that couple in Arkansas who just had their 17th child. They
should be forced to walk around in public wearing photos of starving
children in Darfur. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. After all,
having to raise 17 kids is its own punishment.
The answer, of course, is not to
commit a crime in the first place. Be good. Do unto others as you’d
have them do unto you. And if you have to shoplift, don’t take a Hello
Kitty armband from Wal-Mart, especially if you’re a cop in Bangkok.
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them or else.
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