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Real Men Eat Pain
For Lunch
by Mad Dog
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Of course we eat quiche, we just don’t know how to
pronounce it. Heck, we’ll even eat a croissant as long as we
don’t have to embarrass ourselves by ordering it. |
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After years of having it
drummed into my head that women handle pain better than men — think:
the ability to withstand childbirth — it turns out that I dealt with
all that head beating with more aplomb than a woman would have. At least
that’s the word from a group of researchers at Bath University’s
Pain Management Unit (motto: “Put less hot water in the tub,
stupid!”). They issued a report that says men cope with pain better
than women because they don’t get so emotional about it. Hey, stop
getting so upset, it’s only a scientific study.
The researchers say men focus on the
practical side — what can I do to lessen the pain? Women, on the other
hand, focus on the pain and how it’s making them feel. I always knew
not being in touch with my feelings was a good thing, now I have proof.
This doesn’t mean men don’t feel pain. Just because we might handle
it well doesn’t make it any less real. I’ve felt pain. I’ve cried
from pain. And I certainly don’t mind admitting it if I think it will
make a woman view me as a sensitive guy. The idea that real men don’t
feel pain is as antiquated as the concept that real men don’t eat
quiche. Of course we eat quiche, we just don’t know how to pronounce
it. Heck, we’ll even eat a
croissant as long as we don’t have to embarrass ourselves by ordering
it. If you have any doubts, call your next quiche an egg pie and see how
fast a guy chows it down. I mean, who’s going to turn down a pie, fer
Christ’s sake?
According to the Bath University
study, when men and women had their arms placed in warm water, then
plunged into ice-cold water, 72 percent of them wondered if the money
they were getting paid for the study was worth it. Just kidding.
Actually they were happy to be getting a check since they usually pay
good money to do that same thing when they use a sauna and cold pool.
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A high tolerance for pain doesn’t make you a real man.
Being able to pop open an Old Milwaukee, chug it, and crush it against
your forehead with one hand so the other doesn’t have to let go of the
remote, that makes you a real man.
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Both groups, of course, felt pain. The women noticed it sooner
but couldn’t put up with it for as long as the men. This should come
as no surprise since we all know men are unfeeling bastards. Just
kidding. At least I like to think I’m kidding. In my case, anyway. But
back to pain and men putting up with it. You might remember last
December a man in South Korea had a 2-inch nail removed from his skull,
one that had been there for four years without his knowing it. Then in
January, just to prove that men are thick-headed all over the world, a
man in Colorado went to the dentist complaining of a toothache and wound
up having a 4-inch nail removed from his skull, a nail that, unbeknownst
to him, had been lodged there for six days. This shows that there’s
not only a variation in pain tolerance between men and women, but also
between men. Either that or men in South Korea are more real than men in
Colorado.
Seriously though, a high tolerance
for pain doesn’t make you a real man. Being able to pop open an Old
Milwaukee, chug it, and crush it against your forehead with one hand so
the other doesn’t have to let go of the remote, that makes you a real
man. Also being able to pamper yourself at the risk of being ridiculed
by your more Neanderthal friends, though to be safe I recommend not
pampering and eating quiche at the same time. Hey, why push your luck?
Hey, if four American presidents can get a facial and still hold their
heads high, anyone can do it.
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The
truth is we like our presidents to be real men. At least we did in the
days before they would choke on a pretzel, fall off a bicycle, and laugh
inappropriately at serious questions asked during press conferences. My
how times change. |
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The four presidents are Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and
Roosevelt, and it’s their faces on Mount Rushmore that are getting a
power washing for the first time in 60 years. And to think, my mother
had a fit if I didn’t wash my face at least every other day. Over the
years their faces have become pockmarked, cracked, and covered in
lichen. I sure hope they’re adding Clearasil to that power wash.
Before you even start thinking it, this salon-type pampering doesn’t
make them metrosexual, they’d have to read GQ, pick up fashion tips
from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and wear Armani powdered
wigs to qualify for that. They’re just real men who are confident
about their maleness. Okay, and granite blocks. But the truth is we like
our presidents to be real men. At least we did in the days before they
would choke on a pretzel, fall off a bicycle, and laugh inappropriately
at serious questions asked during press conferences. My how times
change.
Before this whole pain discussion
flares up and tears apart households, remember that we all have our own
tolerance to pain, so it’s not as simple as men feel more pain, women
are from Venus. Just think about the excruciating pain women suffer that
men don’t, like childbirth, menstrual cramps, and putting up with
husbands who pop open an Old Milwaukee, chug it, and crush it against
their forehead with one hand so the other doesn’t have to let go of
the remote. Personally, I’m thankful I don’t have to suffer through
any of that. I could use a Tylenol just thinking about it.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but don't let anyone see you wince.
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