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A New
You Is Just A Click Away
by Mad Dog
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As early as 1860 photographs of Abraham Lincoln were
routinely retouched, though of course they didn’t have Photoshop back
then so they had to do it the difficult way — with slate and chalk by
candlelight. |
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They say seeing is
believing, but that was in the days before Photoshop. Photoshop, for
those of you who think I’m talking about the One-Hour Photo developer
at the mall, is a computer program you can use to digitally alter
photographs. You know, like get the demonic red gleam out of your eyes,
tone down Uncle Harry’s Hawaiian shirt so anyone looking at the photo
doesn’t need to put on sunglasses, and replace your ex-husband with
George Clooney in your wedding photos. Obviously Photoshop and reality
are mutually exclusive.
Recently, Adnan Hajj, a freelance
photographer for Reuters, was fired for adding and intensifying smoke in
photographs he took in Lebanon during the Israeli-Lebanon, uh,
unpleasantness. It was completely unnecessary since not only was there
plenty of smoke, but you could already see Satan’s face clearly in it.
Oh, that’s right, that was only in the National Enquirer version of
the photo. Soon after that came the embarrassing dust-up when a photo of
Katie Couric was published in Watch!, a CBS magazine, showing her
digitally slimmed down a couple of dress sizes. A photo, incidentally,
that had been issued to the press several months earlier as an official
photo. CBS apologized, Katie lied and said she liked the original photo
better, and no one seemed to notice the image of Satan’s face in the
folds of her dress. I’m telling you, that guy really gets around.
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You simply take a photo, search through the manual trying to
remember which buttons you push to get to the proper menu, have your
spouse look at the manual and tell you which buttons to push to get to
the proper menu, then select the “Slimming” option.
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Photo retouching is nothing new. As early as 1860 photographs of
Abraham Lincoln were routinely retouched, though of course they didn’t
have Photoshop back then so they had to do it the difficult way — with
slate and chalk by candlelight. Lincoln variously had his beard added,
removed, and enhanced. He even had his head grafted onto Senator John
Calhoun’s body, and this was years before anti-rejection drugs were
discovered. Tiger Woods should keep this time honored tradition in mind
and not be so quick to jump all over sleazy Irish newspapers that run
photos of his wife’s head grafted on a naked body. He should relax.
Learn to enjoy them. And go get his own copy of Photoshop so he can join
in the fun and put The Dubliner’s logo on Louis Anderson’s body.
That’ll teach them.
The problem is, Photoshop isn’t an easy program to learn. That’s
why, in their infinite wisdom, HP investigated, spied on, and pretexted
— a word I’ve always hoped I could use in conversation one day —
journalists and employees. Just kidding, they actually did that out of
paranoia and stupidity. What they did to help you and me is build a
function into some of their new cameras that automatically makes you
look slimmer. Well, assuming someone takes your photograph with the
camera. You simply take a photo, search through the manual trying to
remember which buttons you push to get to the proper menu, have your
spouse look at the manual and tell you which buttons to push to get to
the proper menu, then select the “Slimming” option. Instantly
you’ve lost the ten pounds HP’s web site says the camera adds.
Luckily you can adjust the slimming amount so you can not only break
even, but actually lose weight. Ain’t technology wonderful?
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How
about a Smile function for taking pictures of people who frown all the
time? Or a De-blinker for those who instinctively close their eyes
whenever they hear the word “cheese”? |
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Yes, now you
can be like an ice cube in an oven and melt those pounds away without
having to watch what you eat, be hungry all the time, sweat, or take
diet pills that make you buzz around like a soon-to-be-skinny bee. With
the HP Miracle Weight Loss Plan you can instantly lose twenty pounds,
turn a basketball into a baseball, and take wedding photos that don’t
let on that you’re four months pregnant. And they say the camera
doesn’t lie. Hah!
Slimming is a lot more useful than
the other so-called Artistic Effects on the camera, like Retro, Soft
Glow, Cartoon, and Vintage. Two of them make you look older, one makes
you look silly, and the other makes you look like you graduated Three
Mile Island High School. They should dump those and add some useful
effects, like Bulk-Up for people who are too skinny. And yes, they do
exist. You know who they are, every time you see them you get the urge
to use them as shish kebob skewers without anything skewered on them.
With this effect athletes could look bigger without needing
testicle-shrinking steroids, you could skip going to the gym for weeks
at a time without anyone being the wiser, and it would be a godsend for
anorexics who believe they’re fat. Just take a photo, digitally fatten
yourself up, and you have proof that you don’t need to be eating more
than the half a Wheat Thin you put on your plate calling it dinner.
How about a Smile function for taking
pictures of people who frown all the time? Or a De-blinker for those who
instinctively close their eyes whenever they hear the word “cheese”?
Let’s add Wrinkle Remover, Hair Thickener, and maybe even a button
next to the one that removes red-eye to get rid of those green flecks
stuck between your teeth. And how about one labeled Reality that, well,
just takes your photo the way you really look. Nah, who wants something
like that?
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Take
photos of them so they're slimmer.
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