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For Sale, One
Slightly Used Senate Seat
by Mad Dog
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And you thought it was impressive that the movie Casino
used the F-word 398 times in 176 minutes. Heck, DiNiro hasn’t got
anything on Blagojevich. |
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Earlier this week Illinois
Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested and charged with holding a yard
sale. Okay, a yard sale that included a slightly used Senate seat, sold
as is. And no, you couldn’t sit in it, wiggle around, and see how it
feels before you buy it. But it wasn’t just any old Senate seat. If it
had been he would have been happy to get a box of Russell Stover
chocolates, flowers for his wife, or maybe an envelope filled with
Pokemon cards that hadn’t been ruined by being stuck in bicycle spokes
so the bike sounded like the mobile version of Wheel of Fortune.
No, this was the Senate seat once occupied by soon-to-be-head-bailouter
Barack Obama, so it’s not surprising that Blagojevich was holding out
for more. You know, like cash for his campaign, a job with a nonprofit
foundation, an ambassadorship, a position for his wife on a corporate
board where she could pull down $150,000 or so a year in director's
fees, or a pardon. And to think, I was happy when my last garage sale
brought in $127.45, and I still had to haul that leopard print La-Z-Boy
recliner back in the house.
What’s most disheartening is that
Blagojevich wasn’t even subtle about it. He called people up and flat
out told them what he wanted, saying things like, "I've got this
thing and it's f_____ golden, and I'm just not giving it up for
f________ nothing,” “I want to make money,” and other comments
that demonstrated his greed and mastery of using expletives as
adjectives. And you thought it was impressive that the movie Casino
used the F-word 398 times in 176 minutes. Heck, DiNiro hasn’t got
anything on Blagojevich.
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At least if high school students had put the Senate seat up
for sale they would have done it more efficiently, and probably gotten
more money in the process. For starters, he could have posted it on the
Craigslist jobs board.
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Everyone wants to know what he was thinking. Well the answer’s
pretty obvious—he wasn’t. And why should he have been? No one thinks
twice about honesty anymore. Not even kids. According to a survey taken
by the Josephson Institute, a Los Angeles-based ethics center—which is
an oxymoron in the city where Hollywood lives, 30 percent of high school
students have shoplifted, 64 percent have cheated on a test, and 36
percent have used the Internet to plagiarize a homework assignment. What
we need to learn from these survey results is that our moral
infrastructure is unsound and in serious need of repair. This is not a
time to lament and whine but to take thoughtful, positive actions. And
no, those last two sentences aren't word for word what the institute’s
founder and president, Michael Josephson, said in a newspaper article.
Honestly! Okay, so I borrowed them for a few minutes. Sue me.
On second thought, please disregard
that last sentence.
These statistics are pretty
astounding. Well, as long as you assume that all of the kids who
answered the survey did so without looking at their neighbor’s paper,
peeking at the crib sheet taped to their forearm, or putting a poll on
their MySpace page to find out how their 1,374 close friends were
answering the questions. More surprising is that 93 percent of them said
they were satisfied with their personal ethics and character, while 77
percent thought they were more honest than most of the people they know,
proving that self-delusion is formed long before adulthood. And
continues through being elected governor.
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He
could also have set up a Facebook Group, “Whadayagot for Rod?” and
invited people to join. Then instead of tossing snowballs, starting a
food fight, or throwing sheep, interested parties could purchase
increasingly more expensive gifts to send him. |
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At least if high school students had put the Senate seat up for
sale they would have done it more efficiently, and probably gotten more
money in the process. For starters, he could have posted it on the
Craigslist jobs board which, believe it or not, has a “government”
category. Sure posting a job isn’t free, but the $25 could easily have
been worth it. “MWM seeks someone with lots of money, clout, and
ambition to appoint to Senate seat. Immediate opening in Congress and my
bank account.”
Or he could have put it on eBay under
“Furniture>Government>Seats” where, instead of alerting the
FBI by asking for specifics, he could have sat back and seen how high
the bidding went. If caught, he could have used the defense that he
would have given the job away had anyone bid zero, but heck, people kept
offering money and jobs and services from the Casual Encounters section
of Craigslist so what’s a guy to do, turn it down?
He could also have set up a Facebook
Group, “Whadayagot for Rod?” and invited people to join. Then
instead of tossing snowballs, starting a food fight, or throwing sheep,
interested parties could purchase increasingly more expensive gifts to
send him. But no, he didn’t do that, so now he’s going to have to be
content with people sending him virtual cakes with virtual files inside,
conjugal visits from avatars, and Get Out of Jail Free e-cards.
Yes, greed is an ugly thing. If only
he’d waited and done what everyone else who needs money is doing
now—stand in line and ask Henry Paulson for some—he might be able to
keep his job. And, who knows, even run for the Senate himself one day.
©2008 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting to hear if your bid for a Senate seat was
accepted.
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