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Attraction
By Any Other Name Could Be More Attractive
by Mad Dog
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Think about it.
Presidents are named Bill, George, Jimmy, and John. They’re not named
Chip, Bubba, Barbie, or Edna. |
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We’d all like to be more
attractive to the opposite sex. It’s basic human nature, no matter
whether you’re Edna working the counter at the truck stop or Brad
Pitt, who Edna thinks couldn’t look better if his butt were a replica
of George Clooney’s face. Actually this is basic animal nature. No,
not wanting Brad’s butt to look like George Clooney, but wanting to be
more attractive. Peacocks spread their tails and strut around; we put on
hot new clothes and pretend we’re doing it for ourselves. Monkeys
groom each other and pick bugs out of their fur; we go to hair salons.
In some cultures they paint their faces as they’ve done for thousands
of years while we put on make-up before leaving the house. Okay, I
don’t, but most women do. Like self-preservation, sex, and the desire
to play Maim The Mime anytime you see one, wanting to look your best is
universal.
There’s a lot we can do to make
ourselves look more attractive. We can change how we dress, work out at
the gym more often than our current annual visit, let hundred-dollar
bills hang out of our pockets when we walk into a nightclub, or go on Extreme
Makeover. But honestly, wouldn’t it be easier to just change your
name?
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The scientists
found that men with initials like WOW, GOD, and JOY live longer than
those with initials that spell words like PIG and BUM. |
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It’s not
news that our name affects our image, not to mention our life. That’s
why it’s a shame most parents are so casual about choosing their
children’s names. They pick a name they like, often to honor a dead
relative, a favorite historical figure, a character on The Simpsons,
or their favorite fruit. You know, like an apple. But you’d better
think twice before doing this, a name has more to do with how someone
turns out than all the genes in their little finger. That’s right,
your personality, career path, and chances for happiness are right there
in those randomly chosen letters. You don’t think it was pure
coincidence that made Jay R. Titsworth the president of Jantzen Swimwear
when they released their bust-enhancing swimsuits a few years back, do
you? And really, do you think anyone in Pisgah, Maryland was shocked
when Alonda Ann Hoe was arrested on charges of prostitution? Of course
not!
Think
about it. Presidents are named Bill, George, Jimmy, and John. They’re
not named Chip, Bubba, Barbie, or Edna. I hate to be the one to break
the news, but the odds of seeing a President Tami or a Prime Minister
Keanu in our lifetime is about as good as Jim Carrey playing Laura in a
film version of the Glass Menagerie.
I’m not the only one who thinks
this. A few years ago, at a meeting of the Society of Behavioral
Medicine (motto: “Vee haf vays of making you behafe”), researchers
reported that people with “good” initials live longer and are less
likely to commit suicide or die in an accident than those who have
“negative” initials. The scientists found that men with initials
like WOW, GOD, and JOY live longer than those with initials that spell
words like PIG and BUM. Why this happens is unclear, though the
researchers posited that years of being unmercifully teased at school
about having initials that spell ICK, YUK, and Hooked on Phonics words
the DMV won’t allow on a license plate takes its toll on a person’s
self-esteem, and we all know that low self-esteem is the Number 1 killer
of people with lousy initials.
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Men who have names
with a front stressed vowel were rated as being more attractive than
those who have a back stressed vowel. The reverse was true for women.
Don’t you feel sexier already? |
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So what does
this have to do with being more attractive to the opposite sex? Well,
aside from the obvious subliminal message one gets from meeting a person
whose initials are SOW, it turns out that your name can affect how
attractive people find you to be. Amy Perfors, a graduate student at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, recently presented a study
at the 26th Annual Conference for Cognitive Science (motto: “We’re
not what we appear to be”) in which she found that men who have names
with a front stressed vowel were rated as being more attractive than
those who have a back stressed vowel. The reverse was true for women.
Don’t you feel sexier already?
Since
you’re already mumbling to yourself trying to figure out which vowels
are sounded in the front and which are in the back, let me make it
simple by saying that names like Dave, Craig, Ben, and Steve have front
stressed vowels and are sexy, whereas Paul, Tom, George, and John are
back stressed and less sexy. Unfortunately this doesn’t do a thing
towards helping predict the upcoming presidential election because both
George and John aren’t all that sexy. Big shock, huh? Still, this
could be nice to lord over your friends’ heads, especially if your
name happens to be Dave or Laura. See, the sexier women’s names
include Susan, Robin, Holly, and Carmen, while Melanie, Jill, Amy, and
Liz didn’t fare so well. At the bottom of the sexy list were men with
women’s names, like Jamie, Leslie, and RuPaul. You’d think no one
remembers the song, A Boy Named Sue.
Keep this in mind when you’re
naming your next child. Or legally changing your name. After all, it’s
less work than going to the gym, easier to maintain than a constantly
freshened wardrobe, and less radical than Extreme Makeover.
Remember, a name by any other name might look a whole lot better to
people.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while trying to figure out if your name has a front or
back stressed vowel.
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