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'Tis
the Season to be Shopping |
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| If you’re still not sure whether you or someone you love is a shopper or a non-shopper, now is the perfect time of the year to tell. Pretend you’re reading Cosmopolitan and take this little quiz. |
For years the great
philosophers of the world have told us that people can be divided into two
basic groups: shoppers and rational human beings. As opposed to other
classifications of the human race — such as “those who think Borat is
funny” and “those without
a sense of humor” — it’s easy to tell shoppers and non-shoppers
apart. Shoppers are the ones with ink stained hands from scouring the
newspaper looking for a chance to spend $10 in gas so they can save 50
cents on a sleep sofa just in case they have guests stay over for the
first time in recorded history. Shoppers will cut across three lanes of
traffic, running two semis and a minivan full of nuns off the road, so
they can hit a Going Out of Business sale at a garden shop, even though
they live in an apartment surrounded by miles of concrete. And the most
obvious sign of all? Shoppers pack more plastic than Cher’s face.
Non-shoppers, on the other hand, are even easier to spot. They’re the ones with more time, more money, and much lower blood pressure. If you’re still not sure whether you
or someone you love is a shopper or a non-shopper, now is the perfect time
of the year to find out. While you may be the only one in your family who
didn’t finish their Christmas shopping before Labor Day, you’re still
at least two weeks ahead of those enrolled in Procrastinator’s
Anonymous. Even those who keep intending to enroll but haven’t gotten
around to it. So sit back, relax, pretend you’re reading Cosmopolitan, and
take this little quiz. Sorry there’s no cleavage to look at while
you’re doing it but, hey, you can’t have everything. |
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In America, shopping is based on Sun Tzu’s Art of War, which explains why shoppers spend more time preparing for the day after Thanksgiving than Eisenhower did for the battle of Normandy. |
1. True or False:
Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the Christmas season? (TRUE. But shoppers know that the official start of Christmas season is two days before Halloween when stores replace the candy and spooky decorations that have sold with tinsel, garland, and chocolate covered rice cakes vaguely shaped like Santa Claus.) 2. In three words, describe the best shopping
trip of your life. 3. You're taking this test while standing in line
waiting for the department store doors to open because: B. You had to get up at 4:30 am to meet the Toys-R-Us truck at the loading dock so you could make sure you got a Serial Killer Barbie ® to go with the Whip Me Elmo you bought your niece and there was no sense in going back to sleep at that point, was there? C. You really don't remember, but you're sure you had a good reason. In America, shopping is based on Sun Tzu's Art of
War, which explains why shoppers spend more time preparing for the day
after Thanksgiving than Eisenhower did for the battle of Normandy. Of
course, it's important to remember that Normandy didn't put everything on
sale for 30% off. |
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Soon the shopping will be over, the bills will be due, and you’ll be spending your evenings at Shoppers Anonymous meetings saying "My name is Bill, and I’m a shopper." |
During Christmas season, stores open as early as 5:30 in the
morning and stay open until the very last shopper has taken out a second
mortgage on their house. Only then do the shopkeepers get to close their
doors, turn out the lights, and dance hysterically because they never
thought they’d get rid of those 342 microwave fondue pots they
accidentally ordered.
But it’s not this easy or convenient in other countries. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that stores in Germany were allowed to stay open until 8 pm on weekdays and 4 pm on Saturdays. Before that they were required to close at 6:30 during the week and 2:00 on Saturdays. (Note: If after reading the previous sentence your palms are sweaty, your breathing is labored, and you feel a tightness around your chest, don’t call 911. It’s just further proof that you’re a shopper.) It’s hard to say what’s odder about German shopping, that the stores weren’t open longer all along, that the labor unions are still claiming it will destroy the nation, or that the government can mandate a store’s hours of operation. But one thing’s for sure, if they had Thanksgiving in Germany, American shoppers would be taking junkets over there the next day so they could snap up all the marked down lederhosen, bratwurst, and copies of The Von Trapp Family Singers perform Black Sabbath’s Greatest Hits they could get their little hands on. So enjoy this pre-holiday season, for before you know it the shopping will be over, the bills will be due, and you’ll be spending your evenings at Shoppers Anonymous meetings saying “My name is Bill, and I’m a shopper.” Hey, if you buy this, you’ll buy anything. ©1999, 2006 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while standing in the checkout line. There's more Doggy Style about shopping...
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