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Motto-less
in Iowa
by Mad Dog
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Their motto, well—it sucks.
It’s so bad that when highway crews went out to take the old governor’s name off
the signs, the new one told them not to put his up there. |
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Slogans are everywhere. You see them in advertising, on bumper stickers, and
even in politics, where they’ve been an important part of campaigning from the days
of "Tippicanoe and Tyler too" all the way to the just announced Republican
Slogan of the New Millennium™: "I don’t brake for Democrats!" Heck,
even the first edition of the Bible was released with the motto "All the Commandments
That Are Fit to Print." States
need mottoes too, otherwise their economy will suffer. Try to picture souvenir shops
filled with blank bumper stickers, plastic key chains with just the kid’s name on it,
and T-shirts without—gasp!—anything at all on them. Not to mention how pitiful
it would look if the space at the bottom of their license plates read: "This Space
For Rent".
So it’s not surprising that Iowa is in such an uproar
over their motto. Well, that and the fact that they have little else to do once the hogs
are fed for the day. You see, their motto, well—it sucks. It’s so bad that when
highway crews went out to take the old governor’s name off the signs, the new one
told them not to put his up there. It’s: "Iowa, You Make Me Smile." Let me
know when you get back from the bathroom so I can continue.
So now there’s a new Official Game of Iowa—dreaming
up the next state motto. So far they’ve been suggesting things like
"Iowa—It’s Not As Flat As You Think" and "Eat Pork or Die",
but there’s been no decision yet, just a lot of talk show air time filled and Letters
to the Editor printed.
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Alabama, where vibrators and sex toys were outlawed last year, should consider the slogan:
"Alabama. At Least You Won’t Go Blind." |
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Other
states don’t seem to have this problem. New Jersey is perfectly happy being the
Garden State, even though the rest of us don’t get it. And Utah seems to like being
the Beehive State, even though a lot of their license plates read "Ski Utah!".
For years Virginia has used the slogan "Virginia Is For Lovers" and no
one’s been up in arms over that. This in spite of the fact that they still have laws
against living together, oral sex, and holding hands with a dog in public. Land is a word you see in a lot of state and city
mottoes. Illinois is the "Land of Lincoln". New Mexico is the "Land of
Enchantment". Poor Minnesota, though, is just "10,000 Lakes" because their
first choice, Land O’ Lakes, was already taken. Land of 1,000 Dances is still open
the last I checked, but there’s a rumor some country line dancers in Texas are trying
to lay claim to it.
It’s time states sat down to rethink their mottoes. After
all, we’re about to embark on a new century. California, where Jose was the most
popular boys’ name in 1998, could switch to "No Way, Jose." Alabama, where
vibrators and sex toys were outlawed last year, should consider the slogan: "Alabama.
At Least You Won’t Go Blind." North Dakota, where parking meters are illegal,
could attract an influx of tourists with the motto: "Park Free or Die." And of
course Minnesota should switch theirs to the obvious: "Our Governor Can Beat Up Your
Governor."
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Think about how easily they could increase revenues while lowering taxes if they’d
just let corporations kick in a few bucks. Morton’s Salt could sponsor Seattle,
giving them the natural, "When It Rains It Pours." |
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Cities have
mottoes too. New Orleans is "The Big Easy." Baker, California is the
"Gateway to the Mojave Desert." Salt Lake City, a virtually spotless place where
everything is under construction—from the main interstate highway to every hotel in
town—should consider using "The Cleanest Detour in America." Unfortunately
it looks like "Don’t You Wish You Bought The Olympics?" is going to win
out, but only because someone forgot to pay the International Motto Committee’s first
class plane fare. Pasadena, where one
of this year’s grand marshals of the Rose Parade was the long-dead baseball player
Jackie Robinson, should think about: "Living Is Optional." Newark, New Jersey
might consider "At Least We Have An Airport." And there’s a rumor that
Redmond, Washington, home of Microsoft, is officially changing its motto to:
"Bill’s."
I’m surprised no one’s taken the next logical
step—corporate sponsorship. After all, they do it for arenas, stadiums, bowl games,
and even parades. (That’s right, this year it’s the Southwest Airlines Chinese
New Year Festival in San Francisco.) Think about how easily they could increase state
revenues while lowering taxes if they’d just let corporations kick in a few bucks. We
could have Doritos Texas, Intel California, and Sunkist Florida. Cities could get in on
this too. Morton’s Salt could sponsor Seattle, giving them the natural, "When It
Rains It Pours."
But sometimes all the mottoes in the world are superfluous.
There’s one place in the country which has a name so perfect that a motto is
completely unnecessary. It’s about 80 miles east of Grand Junction, Colorado, right
off I-70. It’s a city called No Name. They should all be so easy.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Did
you ever take a look at their mottoes?
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