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Money
for nothin' and the checks for free
by Mad Dog
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Getting paid for doing
nothing is perfect for me. After all, I’ve been doing nothing for
years, and I do it rather well if I do say so myself. The problem is
that until now it hasn’t paid much.
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I want Mariah Carey’s
job. True I can’t sing like her, don’t look as good when I bare my
stomach, and can’t shake my hips like her—hey, I’m a white male
for Christ’s sake!—but I can act better than she can. Of course
that’s not saying much. But none of this has any bearing on my
ability to perform her new job at least as well as she does. That’s
because her new gig is to do nothing. Now this is a career I was born
to have.
It’s true. Her record company,
EMI/Virgin, is giving her $28 million to buy out her contract so they
don’t have to release another one of her albums. That’s on top of
the $21 million they’ve already paid her since last April. During
this time she released one album, “Glitter,” which sold 501,000
copies. This means the record company paid her $97.80 for every album
she sold. If you figure people paid $16 for each one, Virgin lost
about $86.80 per CD. No wonder they want out, you can’t find an
investment that bad this side of Enron stock.
Getting paid for doing nothing is
perfect for me. After all, I’ve been doing nothing for years, and I
do it rather well if I do say so myself. The problem is that until now
it hasn’t paid much. Not for me, anyway. Others have done better at
it. Like farmers, for instance. They have a long tradition of being
paid to do nothing. By the government, no less! They’re paid not to
plant crops, not to milk cows, and not to fulfill their one job
description—to farm. It’s a hell of a concept. Especially since I
haven’t been planting crops or raising cows all my life and I have
yet to receive the first penny for my lack of work.
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Think about
it, Martha Stewart could be paid not to sponge paint the bathroom
ceiling, make another dazzling Thanksgiving centerpiece out of pine
cones and shoe laces, or subject us to another recipe that starts with “First,
create the universe.” |
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EMI/Virgin isn’t the first corporation to come up with this
“Pay Not to Play” concept. A couple of years ago Abbott
Laboratories started giving Zenith Goldline Pharmaceuticals $2 million
a month not to produce a generic version of their best selling high
blood pressure drug, Hytrin. Then they paid Geneva Pharmaceuticals
$4.5 million not to do the same thing. I like this concept. That’s
why I sent a letter to Abbott telling them that for $2,000 a month I
won’t make a generic copy of Hytrin either. Okay, so I’m easy. And
cheap too. As if that’s not enough, I’m available to start
immediately, promise to do an excellent job of not making Hytrin, and
have a slew of references who can vouch that I haven’t done things
for them. What more could Abbott Labs want?
What we’re seeing here is the
dawning of the Dire Straits Business Model: “Money for nothin’ and
the checks for free.” It’s a great concept. Think about it, Adam
Sandler could be paid not to make any more movies. Those Chicken Soup
For The Soul people could be paid not to write any more insipid books.
And Martha Stewart could be paid not to sponge paint the bathroom
ceiling, make another dazzling Thanksgiving centerpiece out of pine
cones and shoe laces, or subject us to another recipe that starts with
“First, create the universe.”
Politicians could be paid not to do
anything, which I know wouldn’t be much of a change but what the
hell, at least they wouldn’t have to consider any more stupid laws
like they did in Maryland where they thought about making it illegal
to breastfeed someone else’s baby without permission. Or New Jersey
where it’s now illegal to sell clothing made from dog or cat fur.
Right, like anyone actually wants a Rotweiler Robe or a Siamese Stole.
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I don’t know
about you, but I’ll personally chip in money so they don’t air
“The Chair”, “The Chamber”, or any quiz show where the torture
is more important than the questions. |
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If this “Don’t work, don’t tell” subsidy program had
been in place a year ago, the Kentwood Museum in Louisiana could have
been paid not to open the Britney Spears Collection, meaning we
wouldn’t have to decide between going there and say, Cancun. As long
we’re handing out the money, why not pay Britney not to sing “Baby
One More Time” one more time. Hell, why not really sweeten the pot
and give her a little extra to make sure she doesn’t act in another
movie, pretend she’s actually singing in concert, or have another
breast implant. Unless, of course, it’s to create a third one.
TV networks could be paid not to
make any more reality programming—as if people doing anything with a
camera crew standing three feet in front of their face is a slice of
reality. I don’t know about you, but I’ll personally chip in money
so they don’t air “The Chair”, “The Chamber”, or any quiz
show where the torture is more important than the questions. And no, I
don’t mean the torture of watching Regis try to act at ease.
But enough about everyone else, how
about me? Very simply, I want to be paid not to write. The best part
about this is that if they do it, it won’t matter whether all these
other people are paid not to work or not. After all, what will I care?
I’ll be so busy doing nothing I won’t have time to notice them
anyway.
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. As
long as you're being paid to do nothing you might as well read them.
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