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Courting
Disaster
by Mad Dog
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The Supreme Court
ruled in the big “One Nation Under God” case. They ruled against it,
though they did so on a technicality, which is more of an anticlimax
than The Simple Life 2, if you can imagine such a thing. |
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It’s been quite a week
in the courts. In Redwood City, CA a judge rejected yet another request
by Scott Peterson’s attorney to declare a mistrial, leading Court
TV experts to posit that Mark Geragos’ motion-based sliding fee
scale may not only have been a smart move, but could signal the start of
a new industry billing trend. Down the coast in Santa Barbara, the judge
in Michael “When will I ever learn” Jackson’s case left the
singer’s bail at $3 million which, while less than 1/5th the amount he
reportedly spent to settle a similar case in 1993, is a definite
hardship. After all, it means he’ll have to reach into both front
pockets to find the cash to buy a “Stay Out of Jail Pending Trial”
card. Meanwhile in Israel, the Supreme Court was so bored that they
ruled it’s okay to sell pork in the country. Mmmmmm, I can smell the
Moshe Dean sausages cooking already.
It’s true. Before long you’ll be
able to buy spare ribs, bacon, ham hocks, chitlins, and head cheese in
the Land O’ Blintzes and Lox. Go ahead, say oy vey. Wasn’t
that fun? Selling pork in Israel is like setting up a tofu dog stand
outside an Omaha meat packing plant. Or walking into a fromagerie
in France and asking for American cheese. Some things just go against
the natural order. Of course you have to consider that 20% of Israelis
aren’t Jewish, so if they want to have a BLT on bagel, why shouldn’t
they have that option? After all, here in the United States we can walk
into the supermarket and buy anything we want, things we never knew we
wanted, and things we don’t want but have been brainwashed by
commercials into thinking we want. Why shouldn’t the rest of the world
be as confused and obese as we are?
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Being a Supreme
Court justice is a pretty sweet job. Not only do they get to work in
their robes all day, they don’t have to do anything they don’t want
to do. |
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Meanwhile the United States Supreme Court — which despite the
similarity of name isn’t related to the one in Israel, though you’d
think that being lawyers they’d have thought to trademark the name —
ruled in the big “One Nation Under God” case. They ruled against it,
though they did so on a technicality, which is more of an anticlimax
than The Simple Life 2, if you can imagine such a thing. The
truth is, the courts do that a lot, especially the Supreme Court.
Sometimes they do it because, well, it’s the law. Other times I
suspect it’s because they really don’t want to go there, which is a
non-legal term they use a lot because sometimes they forget the “Court
justices” part and think they’re the Supremes. Either way it’s a
pretty hollow victory. It’s kind of like winning a ball game because
not enough members of the opposing team showed up, something you don’t
expect to happen once you’ve left junior high school behind.
Being a Supreme Court justice is a
pretty sweet job. Not only do they get to work in their robes all day,
they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. First they get
to decide if they even want to hear a case. Then if by some miracle
they’re in the mood they set a trial date — way in the future. When
they finally get around to hearing arguments they only let the lawyers
talk for a few minutes. And then when they’re damned good and ready
they actually rule on the case. Imagine if you had that workflow at your
job. “Sorry Don, I’ve decided not to listen to this project. And by
the way, I should have a decision on the one we discussed a few months
ago in, oh, a couple of weeks, though don’t be surprised if at least
one of my multiple personalities adds a dissenting opinion.”
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You can buy such
exciting souvenirs as a CD-ROM of the Supreme Court's Greatest Hits.
You can also get
Supreme Court Christmas ornaments, cuff links, socks, golf balls, and a
spiffy Lady of Justice snow globe. |
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It shouldn’t come as a surprise that they have this job
flexibility when you stop to consider their job title. After all, not
many people share the adjectival part of their position with the Supreme
Being. This may help explain why they can tell the president he was
wrong and he has to listen to them. True, he doesn’t have to admit
he’s wrong, but he does have to pay attention to them, which is more
than he does to the people who voted for him. Or might vote for him.
Okay, so maybe we shouldn’t expect miracles from our elected
officials.
It’s an honor for a lawyer to argue
in front of the Supreme Court. It must be the status, since with the
short amount of time they’re allowed to talk they can’t bill very
much, especially if they’re using the new motion-based sliding fee
scale. If they lose, or don’t get their case heard, they’re pretty
much out of luck, which wouldn’t be so bad were the court to give them
a nice consolation gift, but they don’t. Which is a shame because they
could. See, there’s a gift shop at the Supreme Court where you can buy
such exciting souvenirs as a CD-ROM of the Supreme Court's Greatest
Hits, which includes 70 hours of oral arguments, announcements of
court opinions, textual annotations, and case summaries. Seriously. You
can also get Supreme Court Christmas ornaments, cuff links, socks, golf
balls, and a spiffy Lady of Justice snow globe. I mean, what lawyer
wouldn’t feel a whole lot better if, after having lost a case on a
technicality, they went home with a brand new set of Legal Salt and
Pepper Shakers (retail value $10.95)? Okay, maybe it’s not a cool as a
box of Moshe Dean breakfast links, so sue me.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for a court decision.
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