Being Thankful For a New Year
by Mad Dog

   As the old year winds down and the new one gets geared up, it’s time for reflection, and I don’t mean the reflection you see in the mirror that makes you realize you’ve eaten more than one too many bowls of raw Christmas cookie dough. Nor am I talking about the reflection that comes in the form of those never-ending regurgitative year-end lists which are everywhere you turn. You know, like the Year’s Top 10 News Stories You Never Heard Because You Were Too Busy Lip Synching an Ashlee Simpson Song in Your Living Room, Hits and Misses You Wish You’d Missed, and the Best and Worst Dog Hair Sculptures of the Year. No, the reflecting you should be doing is the personal kind, the type where you sit down and think about the things over the past year for which you should be thankful. And then be happy you can sit down because there are people with hemorrhoids who would give their inflatable doughnut to be able to do that without screaming. So don’t tell me you don’t have anything to be grateful for.

   Personally, I’m thankful for a lot of things. I’m thankful that I made it through another year reasonably intact. I’m thankful my friends and family are healthy and safe. I’m thankful that Ocean's 12’s only predecessor was Ocean’s 11 and that the series didn’t start with Ocean. I’m thankful that the presidential election is over. And even more thankful that the next campaign won’t begin until, oh, at least until after the inauguration.

   I’m thankful I have a bad memory. It’s not only a great excuse for sending birthday cards late or not showing up at parties I had no intention of attending, it also helped me forget to pick up Jones Soda’s limited edition holiday 5-pack before it sold out. Maybe it’s me, but I think it’s just as well that I didn’t suck down flavors like Turkey & Gravy, Cranberry, Mashed Potato & Butter, Green Bean Casserole, and Fruitcake. They’re serious. Seriously disgusting, that is.

   I’m thankful I missed Survivor, The Littlest Groom, The Apprentice, and every other so-called reality show on TV. And I’m truly thankful for the Prevue Guide on channel 30 or I’d have nothing to watch. I’m thankful I’m not blonde. Not because I don’t want more fun, but because I wouldn’t want to feel discriminated against by bad jokes. If I were blonde and Hungarian, I’d be thankful I live in that country. That’s because after a recent wave of protests and petition signings the country’s parliament agreed to look into whether blondes should be protected against discrimination just like any other ditzy, vapid, and stupid minority. Come to think of it, I’m thankful I’m not a member of the Hungarian parliament. They need this aggravation as much as they need a hole in the head.

   Another thing I’m thankful for is that I don’t plan to father any children, since a new report in the journal Human Reproduction (motto: “Do it. Do it ‘til you’re satisfied.”) revealed that working with a laptop on your lap — you know, exactly the way I’m working as I write this — can make a man infertile. I never thought of writing as a means of birth control before but maybe I should check with my medical insurance to see if they’ll reimburse me for my computer.

   I’m also thankful I’m not an antelope in Texas because, thanks to a new web site (www.live-shot.com), people would soon be able to shoot at me from the comfort of their computer keyboard. Seriously. No more waking up early, no need to sit still for hours while drinking Jack Daniels waiting for an animal to appear. Any day now you’ll be able to hunt right from your La-Z-Boy. But remember, if you do it while using your laptop and it’s sitting on your lap you might end up shooting blanks.

   All of these are good reasons to be thankful, but I have to say that most of all I’m thankful a new year is starting. I can’t wait to find out what I’ll have to be thankful for this time next year.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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