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Summer Vacations And
Summer Not
by Mad Dog
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For only $19.95 — $9.95 for children — you can check out
a digital planetarium, walk through a recreation of the Garden of Eden,
and see a vegetarian Tyrannosaurus rex riding on Noah’s Ark. Hey, at
least he not vegan. |
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It’s time to get those
summer vacation plans figured out. That is, of course, assuming you’re
not one of those people who had everything lined up, booked, and planned
out with a minute-by-minute schedule before Labor Day. Labor Day 2003,
that is. Yes, you could rent a house at the beach, go back and see how
much the world’s largest ball of ear wax has grown in the past year,
or sit in the driveway turning the steering wheel back and forth while
making vroom-vroom noises because you can’t afford to fill the
gas tank, but that’s old, boring news. This year, why not treat
yourself to a “Haven’t been there, haven’t done it” vacation,
one that will make your office mates jealous, earn your kids an “A”
on their “What I did on my vacation since I have it so easy that I
don’t have to work” essay, and keep the neighbors up late wondering
what you’ve been smoking? And why you didn’t offer any to them.
That’s right, be the first family on your block to go to the brand new
Creation Museum. And yes, it took them more than six days to build it.
In the beginning there was nothing in
Petersburg, KY. Well, except 2,000 people living in 609 houses. Then
Mark Looy and Ken Ham said “Let there be a museum!” and $27 million
later — lo! — there was one. Then there were people, 4,000 on
opening day alone. And they said, “Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the Garden of Eden, I will fear no apple, for thou art with
me. Thy docent staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table for two
before me in the presence of mine espresso. Thou annointest my head with
trans-fat-free oil; My souvenir cup runneth over.”
Yes,
it’s truly a divine experience. For only $19.95 — $9.95 for children
— you can check out a digital planetarium, walk through a recreation
of the Garden of Eden, and see a vegetarian Tyrannosaurus rex riding on
Noah’s Ark. Hey, at least he not vegan. You can even do all this on
the Sabbath. Well, during summer tourist season anyway. The rest of the
year you should stay home and rest on the Sabbath. And save your money
for the Museum Gift Shop. The only things missing are the Scopes monkey
house, the Burning Bush Grill, and an alien abduction ride. But don’t
worry, you’ll be able to go on that soon.
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The UFO-themed amusement park will have an indoor roller
coaster that will take passengers on a simulated alien abduction.
Vivisection by the aliens and implantation of a chip in your neck will
cost three extra ride coupons. |
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No, it
won’t be at the Creation Museum, it will be at Alien Apex Resort in,
of all places, Roswell, NM. Roswell, for those of you who think the
“The X-Files” was a cataloging system for Xmas cards, is the home of
the aptly named Roswell Incident. Way back in July 1947 a UFO supposedly
crashed on a ranch near Roswell. The military said it was a top-secret
weather balloon, UFO believers swear the government snatched the aliens
and fed them to Bigfoot, and now every inch of the town is filled with
souvenirs featuring an extraterrestrial with big doe-like Margaret Keane
eyes. The UFO-themed amusement park will have rides, an exhibit hall
with information about scientific exploration of the universe, and an
indoor roller coaster that will take passengers on a simulated alien
abduction. Vivisection by the aliens and implantation of a chip in your
neck will cost three extra ride coupons.
Unfortunately
it won’t be open until 2010, so what’s a vacationer supposed to do
in the meantime? You could head to Disneyland, Dollywood, or The Holy
Land Experience, but they’re so old news. Especially the Holy Land
one. You could go to Huis Ten Bosch near Nagasaki, Japan, and wonder why
it’s a simulated Dutch town that features a “Dutch flooding
disaster" ride complete with fog, lightning, waves, torrential
rains, and tornadoes created by 800 tons of water. Or you could take the
family on a vacation that’s both fun and educational. You know, the
kind that will give the kids something to tell their therapist years
from now. Something like Dickensworld, for example, a theme park in
Kent, England, based on the life and works of Charles Dickens. Hey, wake
up! This is a classic.
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BonBon-Land,
an amusement park in Denmark that has rides including — True Fact
Alert! — The Horse Dropping, The Dunce Cap, and Hundeprutter-
utchebane, which they translate as Dog Fart Switchback. |
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Sure the idea
of seeing children working in sweatshops and watching creepy older men
hanging around groups of young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike
factory or visiting the Neverland Ranch, but this is different.
Described as “a journey through history with a few thrills and
spills,” you’ll scream with delight on the boat ride that simulates
a trip through London’s sewers and get spooked by the Ebenezer Scrooge
Haunted House. After you leave you're sure to say, “It was the best of
times, it was the worst of times.” Hey, who needs Great America when
you have Great Expectations?
If that’s not educational enough,
take the family to Wannado, a role-playing theme park in Sunrise, FL,
that lets kids spend the day pretending to be doctors, archeologists,
circus performers, reporters, or mildly interested. They do this in
life-like surroundings while interacting with adult actors who should
have better things to do with their time and talent. Wannado says this
role playing can help children decide what they want to be when they
grow up. Interestingly, most of them choose snow cone vendor or cotton
candy quality control inspector.
And finally, should you decide that
it’s really all about fun after all, consider BonBon-Land, an
amusement park in Denmark that has rides including — True Fact Alert!
— The Horse Dropping, The Dunce Cap, and Hundeprutterutchebane, which
they translate as Dog Fart Switchback. It takes you on a trip around
piles of dog poop while you listen to the sounds of the dog’s farts.
Hey, it’s a good thing that dog wasn’t on the ark with those
T-rexes, they wouldn’t have remained vegetarians for long.
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while standing in line at a theme park.
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