|
| |
|
|
Everything I Know I
Learned From Donald Trump
by Mad Dog
|
As if owning buildings, casinos, and the 9:00 PM Thursday
time slot isn’t enough, Donald Trump has launched an institution of
higher learning. |
|
Wouldn’t you know it?
Just when high school graduates all over the country are looking at
their caps and gowns trying to decide whether they should wear anything
underneath them, along comes a brand new higher education choice to gum
up their post-summer plans. This really sucks since you know they spent
many agonizing hours pretending to listen to their guidance counselor,
trying to wake up on Saturday morning to take the SAT exam for the
sixteenth time, and writing entrance essays like “Why I think I should
be admitted to your school even though my parents didn’t donate enough
money to buy a chair, much less endow one.” And even though they’re
heading off to such prestigious schools as Harvard, Stanford, and —
True School Alert! — Chief Dull Knife College in Lame Deer, Montana,
just the idea that they won’t be able to attend the newly formed Trump
University until their sophomore year is about as depressing as the
concept that one day they’ll have to get a real job. You know, like in
another six or seven years when they graduate from college.
Yes, there really is a Trump
University. As if owning buildings, casinos, and the 9:00 PM Thursday
time slot isn’t enough, Donald Trump has launched an institution of
higher learning. It’s not clear which one of his apprentices-to-be
dreamed up the clever name Trump University, but they should be
“Hired!” Or at least named provost so we can find out once and for
all what the heck that job is all about. Headquartered in New York City,
Trump University is being compared to The Learning Annex. In case
you’re not familiar with The Learning Annex, it’s the
non-matriculating school where you can take such real-life courses as
The Pleasure of Wine, How to Crochet, How to Make $100,000+ a Year
Part-Time with Vending Machines, and How to Start a Sex Business For Fun
or Profit. Apparently you have to wait until the upper level course
before you learn how your sex business can be fun and profitable.
|
There are no grades, degrees, or chance to score at a
football game or frat party. It’s a virtual university that consists
entirely of online courses for sale, books for sale, self-assessment
tools for sale, and home study courses for sale.
|
|
Speaking of profit, Trump U. is definitely not a non-profit
endeavor. I know, that’s a real shocker. And a strange double
negative. You can tell it’s for profit by their school philosophy:
“No Child Who Has Enough Money For Tuition Left Behind.” But lest
you think this isn’t a bona fide educational endeavor, be aware that
the president of the university is Michael Sexton, who is described as
"an expert in accelerating the foundation and growth of early-stage
companies." Okay, so he’s not exactly Lawrence Summers, at least
he probably knows when to keep his big mouth shut. It’s a safe bet
that with the team of Sexton and The Donald at the helm, financial
excellence will, uh, trump academic excellence.
According to the school’s web site,
you can currently take courses in marketing, real estate,
entrepreneurship, wealth creation, and self-assessment. Negotiation,
communication, leadership, and blatant self-promotion bordering on
egotism are coming soon. There are no grades, degrees, or chance to
score at a football game or frat party. It’s a virtual university that
consists entirely of online courses for sale, books for sale,
self-assessment tools for sale, and home study courses for sale. Did I
mention that everything is for sale? There’s no campus, no freshman
mixers, and no chance to see Omarosa walking down the hall shoving
students into their lockers. Lord knows what students at this school do
for fun.
|
Don’t
be surprised if one day soon you hear about new, virtually ivy-covered
institutions of higher learning sprouting up, like say the John Bolton
School of Diplomacy or the Martha Stewart School of Hard Knocks and
Elegant Entertaining. |
|
At the moment there are only three courses being offered. There
are, on the other hand, six books, several self-assessments, and an
online store chock full of hats, T-shirts, golf shirts, and sweatshirts
emblazoned with the Ivy League-ish looking Trump U. logo on them. In
other words, there’s more merchandising than curriculum, meaning the
school is only three courses ahead of Amazon.com University.
Donald Trump isn’t the first person
to have his own university. Bob Jones, Oral Roberts, and Brigham Young
have had theirs for years. The difference, of course, is that theirs are
dedicated to helping people find god, not money. But this is, after all,
the 21st century. If Trump University is successful you can bet it will
spawn other celebrity schools. After all, nothing breeds unimaginative
imitation like an original idea that makes lots of money. So don’t be
surprised if one day soon you hear about new, virtually ivy-covered
institutions of higher learning sprouting up, like say the John Bolton
School of Diplomacy or the Martha Stewart School of Hard Knocks and
Elegant Entertaining. And don’t be shocked to find out your nephew has
applied to the Dick Cheney College of Ventriloquism or the Michael
Jackson School for Boys. Luckily though, there’s one educational
institution we don’t have to worry about ever seeing — the Trump
School of Cosmetology and Haircutting. After all, even virtual
universities need some credibility.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them in the virtual Student Center.
|
|
