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It's Nice Work If
You Don't Have To Do It
by Mad Dog
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We worry about anyone who isn’t working, whether they be
temporarily laid off, in between jobs, hardcore unemployed, or a retiree
who is about to throw 32 years of marriage down the drain because
they’re driving their spouse absolutely insane hanging around the
house with nothing to do but, well, hang around the house. |
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Employment is good. Not
working is bad. At least that’s what gets drummed into our heads from
the time we’re young by our parents, teachers, and anyone else who has
to wake up early and slave away all day and thinks it’s important to
pass on their work ethic. Or to be more correct, are vindictive and want
you to suffer as much as they do. After all, except for “this will
hurt me more than it hurts you,” authority object lessons are really
about passing on misery rather than what might be good for you.
Thus we worry about anyone who
isn’t working, whether they be temporarily laid off, in between jobs,
hardcore unemployed, or a retiree who is about to throw 32 years of
marriage down the drain because they’re driving their spouse
absolutely insane hanging around the house with nothing to do but, well,
hang around the house. The government issues monthly statistics about
employment, the stock market reacts to it like Chicken Little at a
meeting of Overreactors Anonymous, and we feel bad for anyone who’s
unemployed because we’re convinced they’d be happier working. After
all, if there’s anything truer than misery loving company, it’s that
you should not covet your neighbor’s free time.
But there’s one class of the
unemployed we don’t have to waste our time feeling sorry for or
worrying about — the ex-CEO. Lately there have been plenty of them
too. Some got that way because they were fired, some because they
relocated from their luxurious surroundings to something more Spartan
like a federal correctional center, and others because, well, believe it
or not, they actually resigned of their own volition. Yes, it really
happens.
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The severance pay alone comes to $575,342.46 for each day he
won’t work during the coming year. That’s assuming, of course, that
he doesn’t work seven days a week.
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Take Robert Nardelli, who for the past six years was chairman and
chief executive of Home Depot. He had a great job because it meant he
didn’t have to take his chain’s advice about doing it yourself, he
got to tell everyone else in the company what to do. Well, last week he
up and resigned. Apparently he hadn’t been getting along with the
Board of Directors for a while and they’d been fighting a lot. I sure
hope he doesn’t use them as a reference for his next job, since low
grades in “Plays well with others” isn’t exactly a glowing report.
At least that’s what my mother always told me right before she said,
“This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”
There’s no need to feel bad for
Nardelli being out of work. After all, he walked away with about $210
million in severance pay. Not to mention the $119.2 million he made last
year in salary and bonus. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the stock
options. The severance pay alone comes to $575,342.46 for each day he
won’t work during the coming year. That’s assuming, of course, that
he doesn’t work seven days a week. Since he’s retired, he’ll
probably want to take it easy and cut back to not working only four days
a week. Doing that would cause a big boost in his nonproductivity which
in turn would up his daily unemployment take to a tad over $1 million a
day. For not working. I have to say, for that kind of money I'd quit
too.
What’s someone like Nardelli to do
after that money runs out, go on unemployment? If he’s smart, he saved
lots of money during his six year tenure. But even if he hasn’t,
it’s not too late. He can still save money by deciding not to work
for, say, five years instead of not working for just one. The only
problem is this way he’d earn a piddling $100,000 a day for not
working. Sure it’s a pay cut, and it means he might have to adjust his
lifestyle, but still, it might be worth it.
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He
was arrested and charged with attempted grand larceny. Of a hotel. The
positive part of the story is that he’ll have steady work for a while.
The bad part is it will only pay about 25 cents an hour and he’ll have
a cellmate. |
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What happens if you’re not as lucky as Nardelli and don’t
make oodles of money for not working? You go into debt, borrow money, go
on unemployment, and possibly turn to stealing the things you need. You
know, like a hotel. A few months ago Kouadio Kouassi went to the
Department of Finance in New York City to record a deed transferring
ownership of the $76 million SoHo Grand Hotel to himself. He was missing
some needed signatures so they sent him packing. He returned three more
times and, finally, they got suspicious. Not surprisingly, the deed
turned out to be bogus so he was arrested and charged with attempted
grand larceny. Of a hotel. The positive part of the story is that
he’ll have steady work for a while. The bad part is it will only pay
about 25 cents an hour and he’ll have a cellmate.
It’s hard to imagine Robert
Nardelli getting that desperate. After all, with his severance pay he
could buy the SoHo Grand Hotel and have enough left over to buy it two
more times if he wanted to. Besides, if he gets bored with being paid to
not work he can always do what anyone else in his situation would do —
get a huge advance to write his autobiography, sell his life story as a
movie of the week, or star in a reality TV show where his signature line
could be: “You can’t fire me, I quit.” But for now he doesn’t
have to worry because he’s not paying himself not to work, Home Depot
is. And the question isn’t whether it’s worth that much not to have
him come to work, but rather how the heck do I get a job like that?
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for your severance check.
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