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All Beings Being
Unequal
by Mad Dog
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Selfridges'
department store is offering a 40-minute class for the iPod impaired
called “What Part of ‘On’ Don’t You Understand?”, in which
clueless people who obviously shouldn’t own an iPod are taught how to
use it without hurting themselves or others. |
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The Declaration of
Independence says all men are created equal. Unfortunately the Founding
Fathers didn’t cite any reproducible scientific studies to prove this,
most likely because there was no government yet, hence no cushy grant
money available to sponsor the research. Life was tough back then. But
the simple truth is that people aren’t created equal. If they were,
would a 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student be able
to unscramble a Rubik’s Cube in 11.13 seconds while other people are
lining up to take a course so they can learn how to use their iPod? You
know, the same portable music player their 6-year-old had wired and
hacked six ways from Sunday before it was completely unwrapped.
It’s hard to tell which is the more
difficult to believe. After all, both have an element of Ripley’s
Believe It Or Not, and Ripley himself would be proud to display them
right next to the basketball backboard in Miami with the image of the
Virgin Mary on it, the two-headed snake being sold on eBay by The World
Aquarium of St. Louis, and the Senator who told Jack Abramoff he
didn’t want the money, thank you very much. Okay, so some things are
impossible to believe.
But it’s true about the Rubik’s
Cuber. Last week at the International Rubik’s Cube Competition in San
Francisco (motto: “Seconds to solve the cube, years to get a date”)
Leyan Lo set a new world’s record by unscrambling a cube in just over
11 seconds. That is, coincidentally, the same amount of time it took me
when I first checked out a cube to examine it, set it down, smash it
with a hammer, and decide that it was a good time to polish my car keys.
Again. In case you’re wondering how it is Lo gets the colors on the
cube realigned so quickly, he says his secret is “Faster first two
layers.” Oh, I get it now.
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An education takes so much time, is so much hard work, and
face it, if being smart meant being rich then everyone with a brain
would retire to the Caribbean and there wouldn’t be anyone educated
left to invent anything.
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Meanwhile in London, Selfridges' department store is offering a
40-minute class for the iPod impaired called “What Part of ‘On’
Don’t You Understand?”, in which clueless people who obviously
shouldn’t own an iPod are taught how to use it without hurting
themselves or others. Just kidding. Actually the class is called “iPod
Survival” and it costs $150, or nearly as much as an iPod Nano. Maybe
the people who are considering taking this course should save their
money and invest in an iPod Nanny. You know, someone who will walk
around behind them, put the ear buds in for them, turn down the volume
when a clerk asks a question so they don’t shout back, and dial up the
requested playlist. Whatever that is. After all, sliding your thumb
around a wheel is pretty tough.
I’m sure there’s a need for this.
Selfridges already offers a service called SpeedPod where they’ll load
music onto an iPod for you. For an extra fee, when they’re done
they’ll push the “Play” button for you. Just kidding. Actually
they’ll make you ask the first 8-year-old you can find to do it for
you. Hopefully you’ll be paying attention and catch on so you won’t
have to embarrass yourself by needing to go back to the store every time
you want to hear a new album. Heck, it would be easier to just fork over
the money for the training class. Or better yet, stick to the radio.
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A
recent survey by Britain’s Learning and Skills Council found that one
out of 10 English children would rather become rich and famous than get
a good education. Hard to argue with, though I don’t remember ever
being offered the choice. |
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It’s too
soon to know how many people will actually sign up to take “iPod for
Bloody Dummies,” but chances are it won’t be too many. Not because
people don’t need the education, but because they’d rather not be
bothered with it. An education takes so much time, is so much hard work,
and face it, if being smart meant being rich then everyone with a brain
would retire to the Caribbean and there wouldn’t be anyone educated
left to invent anything. Other than a better hammock, an automatic
sunscreen applicator, and non-melting ice cubes for your margarita.
A
recent survey by Britain’s Learning and Skills Council (motto: “No
one taught us how to come up with a catchy name”) found that one out
of 10 English children would rather become rich and famous than get a
good education. Hard to argue with, though I don’t remember ever being
offered the choice. Apparently those surveyed think there not only is a
choice, but that the two options are mutually exclusive, because many of
them said fame was a great way to earn money without skills or
qualifications. You have to admit, it is more fun and glamorous than
bank robbery. Don’t be surprised if guidance counselors pick up on
this concept and start telling high school students, “You’re stupid,
have no skills, and you’re ill prepared to do anything. Have you
thought about being the next Paris Hilton?”
So forget worrying about equality,
just focus on what you’re good at. If it’s Rubik’s Cube, so be it.
If it’s fame, hey, hopefully you’ll get more than 15 minutes’
worth. And if you’re good at using an iPod, then go to London and
teach. Me? I think I need to polish my car keys. Again.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while you can.
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