Usefulness is Going to the Dogs
by Mad Dog

   Yes. it’s true. A cell phone company in South Korea has started a service that lets you hold the phone out to your dog while it barks, then, since you obviously refuse to believe anything you don’t hear or see on your phone, it sends you a text message telling you what the dog’s trying to say. KTF, South Korea's second-largest wireless operator, claims the program can tell whether your dog is happy, sad, joyous, desirous, threatened, or just being self-expressive — you know, like letting out its inner puppy. The messages include “I love you,'' “I am irritated,'' and “I just ate the toe out of every one of your socks but you’re too busy holding a stupid cell phone to my mouth to notice.” The company admits they’re taking poetic license with the messages, but face it, if you don’t know what your dog’s saying in the first place you won’t have a clue whether these extrapolations are right or wrong either.

   But that’s not all. If you have a speaker phone at home you can call your dog and talk to it. In its native tongue, no less. The service lets you call home and play one of six pre-recorded barks for your dog. They say each one represents a different feeling, but don’t forget, they’re the ones who also claim to be able to translate all dog dialects. A spokesperson for the phone company calls this “real two-way communication.” Hey, the newscaster on TV talks after I finish ranting at him but I don’t consider that two-way communication either.

   Thanks to this cell phone service you can now go out, have fun, and not spend the evening worrying about whether your dog’s sitting around pouting because you’re throwing a big ball at a bunch of wooden pins and she isn’t. This could actually be a problem if your dog realizes that you’re using another totally useless product — a scented bowling ball. Hey, you know how much they love sniffing things, even though so far you can’t get a bowling ball that smells like another dog’s butt. Thank god.

   For years, bowling alleys have been associated with the aroma of stinky feet, greasy french fries, stale beer, and cigarette smoke, why not counteract that with a bit of, say, chocolate? Or maybe amaretto. Hey, nothing says bowling after a fine meal like the aroma of amaretto. The balls come from a company named Storm Products. They started with green apple and citrus-scented balls but now put out 40 versions, including banana, cinnamon, and licorice. Half the pro bowlers are using the scented balls, saying it relaxes them and helps them focus when they bring the ball up to their nose and get a snort of peppermint or blueberry. I guess it beats the “Gee, I should have remembered the Right Guard” scent.

   Speaking of pizza, there’s a fine line between uselessness and laziness, and the latest online multiplayer video game from Sony straddles that line better than a politician with two mouths. If you’re playing Everquest II all you need to do is type the command "/pizza" and you get connected to the Pizza Hut Web site. There you can place an order for home delivery without missing a single fight with a goblin, drake, or Frost Giant. I can see the relief on your face. Some might call this useful, but face it, it’s not as useful as getting dressed, going outside in the fresh air, and actually interacting with human beings by going to get a pizza. Or even a nice maggot salad.

   Stop cringing, it’s true. People are so bored with the food they have available that they’re eating maggots. And no, this isn’t at the Fear Factor Bar and Grill. A restaurant in Dresden, Germany recently started serving dishes like fried maggots with cactus and corn, maggots in ice cream, and maggot cocktails. They claim to be booked up weeks in advance, proving that boredom and uselessness are international. If you don’t believe me, call your dog and ask him.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them to your dog.