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A Summer Vacation
Guide
by Mad Dog
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Take the family to the brand new Museum of Foreign Debt.
It's fun! It's exciting! It's the only place in the world where you can
learn about the dangers of borrowing too much foreign money. |
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It’s time to start
thinking about where you’re going to go on your summer vacation.
That’s assuming you’re not one of those people who had it all lined
up and booked before Labor Day. Labor Day 2003, that is. It’s true you
could rent a house at the beach, go back and see how much the world’s
largest ball of ear wax has grown in a year, or sit in the driveway
turning the steering wheel and making vroom-vroom noises because
you can’t afford to fill the gas tank, but that’s old, boring news.
It’s time to take a “Haven’t been there, haven’t done it”
vacation, one that will make your office mates jealous, earn an “A”
for your kid’s “What I did on my vacation since I have it so easy
that I don’t have to work” essay, and keep the neighbors up late
wondering what you’ve been smoking. And why you didn’t offer any to
them. So put down that travel brochure, hang up on that time-share
salesperson, and get ready to call the family together and see their
faces light up when they hear that you’re going to Argentina.
That’s right, the first stop is
fabulous Buenos Aires, Argentina. Sure you could go to see the Casa
Rosada, take tango lessons, or check out the mini-Statue of Liberty just
like — yawn! — everyone else does, but why bother when you can take
the family to the brand new Museum of Foreign Debt? It's
fun! It's exciting! It's the only place in the world where you can learn
about the dangers of borrowing too much foreign money by exploring a
spongy "black hole" which represents where the money ends up.
You know, kind of like that fixer-upper house you bought only on a
national level. You'll be thrilled by the play kitchen with its empty
refrigerator and freezer that symbolizes — *gasp* — the bad recipes
of the International Monetary Fund. You'll scream with delight at the
exhibits documenting Argentina's economic hell, from its first monetary
default in the early 1800s to the Big One in 2001 that led to — yes!
— catastrophic economic collapse. Before you leave, make sure to stop
at the gift shop filled with worthless pesos you can purchase by the
wheelbarrow, unaffordable Argentinean beef, and a Madonna dartboard, the
perfect way to seek revenge for her butchering Evita. It's
cheaper than Disneyland and more educational than a month in the DeBeers
Diamond Mines.
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How about Dickensworld? Sure the idea of seeing children
working in sweatshops and creepy older men hanging around groups of
young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike factory or visiting the
Neverland Ranch, but this is different.
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A little closer to home — assuming you don’t live in Uruguay
— is Pico Rivera, California, where you can take a stroll down Dork
Street. Though it’s actually just another residential neighborhood
outside Los Angeles, it’s not often you’ll get to look up at a
street sign and feel so at home. After hours of family fun telling each
other how lucky you are to have a street named after you, stopping
residents to ask if they’re dorks, and commenting on how no one you
meet has a sense of humor, you can pack up the car and check out the Rio
Hondo Spreading Grounds, a water storage facility that’s a local
tourist attraction. Don’t worry, it’s only a short 19-mile drive to
Disneyland.
If you’re looking for a vacation
that’s both fun and educational, forget it. Just kidding. Actually
kids like nothing more than to go on a trip that will give them
something to tell their therapist years from now, and filling their
summer break with educational opportunities is just the ticket. That’s
why you should consider taking them to Dickensworld. Well, that
and the fact that it’s a safe bet you’ll be the only ones on the
block who have done it. Okay, the city. Maybe the state. Dickensworld,
which is just now being built in Kent, England, is a theme park based on
the life and works of Charles Dickens. Sure the idea of seeing children
working in sweatshops and creepy older men hanging around groups of
young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike factory or visiting the
Neverland Ranch, but this is different. Described as "a journey
through history with a few thrills and spills," you’ll be able to
scream with delight as you walk through the spooky Bleak House, ride the
Oliver Twisty roller coaster, and see David Copperfield perform nightly.
After you leave you're sure to say, "It was the best of times, it
was the worst of times." Who needs Great America when you have
Great Expectations?
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It's a
hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili,
cheese and onions, and served on a hoagie bun. Did I mention that it's
topped with a fried egg and two handfuls of fries? |
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What vacation would be complete without plenty of road food, and
since you know how that can put the weight on you might want to consider
combining eating with a diet plan. That’s why there’s the “Eat
‘Til You Drop Pounds” road trip. The first stop is Mulligan's,
a bar outside Atlanta, for a "Hamdog." This is a hot dog
wrapped in a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili, cheese
and onions, and served on a hoagie bun. Did I mention that it's topped
with a fried egg and two handfuls of fries? If you still feel like
eating, you can follow it up with their "Luther Burger," a
bacon cheeseburger served on a bun made out of two Krispy Kreme
doughnuts. Yum!
The next stop is Denny's Beer
Barrel Pub in Clearfield, PA where you can get the world’s largest
hamburger. The Beer Barrel Belly Buster is a 10.5-lb burger that comes
with 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions,
a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana
peppers. Served on a bun, of course. It costs $30 and if you eat it
within three hours you’ll get a T-shirt, a certificate, and the burger
for free. A stomach pump is extra.
Take your choice. Whether you opt for
education, fiscal responsibility lessons, or appetite suppressant, this
year’s vacation possibilities mean one thing — maybe revisiting the
world’s largest ball of ear wax isn’t such a bad idea after all. At
least you’ll be able to say, “My how you’ve grown” without
feeling like, well, a dork.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting in line at DickensWorld.
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