Women Love Valentine's Day, Men Are From Mars
by Mad Dog

   Yes, men and women see Valentine’s Day very differently. Right, like they don’t see just about everything differently. Only the stakes are much higher on Valentine’s Day. It’s like the final exam for a relationship except there’s no book you can study, no CliffsNotes to memorize, not even a Classics Illustrated to read in five minutes. There are movies which would give a guy a good idea of what the day is all about but there’s just no way he’s going to sit through it since The Rock isn’t in it. Thus, we’re on our own.

   A woman’s idea of the perfect Valentine’s Day is to wake up to breakfast in bed with a dozen red roses in a vase on the nightstand. When she goes out to the car there’s a bouquet of red balloons tied to the antenna that all say “I Love You.” At work there’s another floral arrangement — the largest in the tri-state area — sitting on her desk. Dinner is at the most romantic restaurant in town where a strolling violinist plays her favorite song tableside, the night ending with a glass of champagne in front of a roaring fire.

   Men, having an inexhaustible ability to rationalize, love to say, “I don’t need to set aside a special day to show you how I feel. It’s the same every day.” This is true, since as a species we’re incapable of showing our feelings 365 days a year. You have to admit, if nothing else we’re consistent. Woman, on the other hand, enjoy the trappings of Valentine’s Day — the flowers that die in two days, the candy that makes them feel fat and ugly for weeks, and the big stuffed heart filled with sneeze-inducing ragweed pollen. Small gestures, but ones that make them very happy.

   How did all this get started, anyway? It turns out that Valentine’s Day is named after Saint Valentine who, according to which story you want to believe, was one of two different third century Christian martyrs, each supposedly executed on February 14th. Now there’s a reason to celebrate.

   Over the years Valentine’s Day has metamorphosed from a wake to the second largest card-sending day of the year, the first of course being Election Day, when every person who’s been dead since the 14th century somehow mails in an absentee ballot. Well, in Chicago anyway. Experts estimate that over a billion Valentine’s Day cards will be exchanged this year, which is 3-1/2 cards for every man, woman, and child in this country. That’s an awful lot of trees being chopped down just so men don’t have to sleep on the couch for a week.

   Each year the New England Confectionery Company (better known as Necco) puts new slogans on their candy hearts. That’s because there’s nothing like giving a loved one a great big bag of chalky hearts with outdated messages to say, “Hey, they were cheaper than usual because they’re last year’s.” In the past the company has added such heart-melting sentiments as “IM Me,” “What’s Up,” and "Diva." This year’s 8 billion hearts — which comes to 26 for every person in the country — will feature weather and nature-related sayings such as "In A Fog," "Nature Lover," and "Do Good." I don’t know about you, but I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve won the heart of a woman by leaning over a romantic dinner table, taking her hands in mine, gazing deep into her eyes, and saying, “My darling.....do good.”

   So you see, contrary to what die-hard romantics like Jane Seymour and Camille Paglia say, love really has changed over the years. What hasn’t changed is the fact that if you don’t get your butt out and buy your wife, girlfriend, or any woman you ever hope to speak to again in your life a present, you might as well disconnect your phone, change your email address, and join a monastery. And don’t bother IM’ing them from there to tell them to do good. It will be too late.

©1999, 2008 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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