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Press
1 to Hear a Familiar Voice
by Mad Dog
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It’s not until
you get close enough to notice the wire dangling from their ear that you
can tell whether the Uncle Fred they’re loudly telling to butt out of
their life is in Chicago or inside their head. |
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We all hear voices. If
we’re lucky, other people around us are hearing the same ones, which
is what differentiates you and I from those who are clothed, housed and
fed three times a day by the state. Well, that and the fact that
sometimes we think it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea while they
think wearing an aluminum foil hat and using their toothbrush to dig a
tunnel to the outside world sounds like a better one. Everybody wants
what they don’t have.
Lately though, it’s become more
difficult to tell just who those people are. You walk down the street
and see people talking to themselves left and right. It’s not until
you get close enough to notice the wire dangling from their ear that you
can tell whether the Uncle Fred they’re loudly telling to butt out of
their life is in Chicago or inside their head. Talking to yourself used
to be a sign that you’re full of hallucinations. Now it’s a sign
that you’re full of yourself.
Then there are the voices we all
hear. Or should anyway. There’s the Voice of Reason, which is what
tells us to get out of bed and go to work when we’d rather return to
that dream about winning the Nobel Prize for solving word jumbles.
There’s the Voice of Authority which, in spite of what some people
would like you to believe, isn’t your parents, your third grade
teacher, or your boss, but is actually James Earl Jones. Hey, are you
going to say no to that voice? Of course not. Especially since he’s
also the voice of CNN, Bell Atlantic, King Mustafa
from the Lion King, and Darth Vader, which is why some
days it feels like his is the only voice you hear. Well, other than the
woman who tells you, “I’m
sorry, the number you have reached is not in service at this time.”
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It’s been estimated that at one time Barbe’s voice was heard 40
million times a day, which translates into a lot of telephone handsets
being smashed against the wall in frustration.
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More
than likely, that voice belongs to Jane Barbe,
who was the voice of the National Bureau of Standards’ time signal
(“At the tone, the time will be.....more accurate than your cheap
Timex can handle.”), many hotel wake-up systems (“Sorry to interrupt
your Nobel Prize dream, but it’s time to wake up.”), and more
voicemail systems than the curses you’ve screamed when you heard
“Press 7 to return to the infinite loop you’ve been in for the past
22 minutes but thought you’d escaped.” After 40 years of telling us
that “The number you have reached has been temporarily
disconnected,” Barbe was permanently disconnected on July 18th and is
now in charge of that Great Voicemail in the Sky.
“Press 1 to open the Pearly Gates. Press 2 to learn how to retune your
harp. Press 3 to get the address of a good halo polisher. Press 4 to
find out why you’re up here when all your friends are in the 8th
sub-basement watching Heaven’s Gate over and over and over
again. Press 5 for flying lessons. Press 6 if your name is Clarence.
Press 7 for an application to become one of Charlie’s Angels. Press 8
to press 9. If you need additional assistance, please stay on the line
and don’t be impatient. After all, you have eternity.”
It’s been estimated that at one time Barbe’s voice was heard 40
million times a day, which translates into a lot of telephone handsets
being smashed against the wall in frustration. That’s pretty heady
stuff. No wonder everyone wants to be the voice of something. Take the
Voice of America, for instance. It claims to speak for the entire
country, which is rather presumptuous considering Congressmen claim to
do the same thing and it’s hard to get any two of them to agree on
anything other than the Senate restaurant’s bean soup is good and
it’s high time they took a long recess.
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Bugs Bunny
didn’t sound like Daffy Duck, who didn’t sound like Sylvester or
Tweety, so why should King Mustafa
conjure up the image of Darth Vader after he discovered the joy of an
asthma inhaler? |
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The
United States isn’t alone in this—okay, maybe when it comes to the
bean soup it is—just about every country has a radio voice. There’s
the Voice of Russia, Voice of Tibet, Voice of Turkey, and Voice of
Mongolia, though the Voice of Nigeria is the only one that tries to
convince you that a big oil company left $40 million in a bank account
and half of it can be yours if you’ll only give them access to your
checking account so they can clean it out first. Hey, no one wants to
put $20 million into an unclean bank account, do they?
Even movie stars, who already have voices, want to be other people’s
voices. Or should I say, other character’s voices. The trend in
animation is to use a well known actor as the voice behind a cartoon
character. The problem is, now you have all these animated characters
who sound like Eddie Murphy, Tom Hanks, and Billy Crystal. Bugs Bunny
didn’t sound like Daffy Duck, who didn’t sound like Sylvester or
Tweety, so why should King Mustafa
conjure up the image of Darth Vader after he discovered the joy of an
asthma inhaler? Aside from the studio’s desire to fill seats and
popcorn tubs, that is.
I’m sure all these celebrities are
raring to step into Jane Barbe’s shoes now that she won’t be able to tell us to “listen
to the following options” anymore, but I’m not sure I want Eddie
Murphy telling me the time, then braying like a donkey. Or Woody Allen
saying, “All circuits are busy. I wish I was that busy.” For a
minute I was going to suggest that James Earl Jones do it, but I
listened to the Voice of Reason. And no, it wasn’t my Uncle Fred.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
To read them, press 7.
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