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Christmas Gift Guide
2004
by Mad Dog
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It’s
time to stop wondering which one is Harry and which one is David and get
ready for this year’s Christmas gift suggestions. |
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‘Twas the night before
Thanksgiving and all through the house, everyone’s ready for Christmas
and I’m feeling left out. I know, it’s sad but true. I haven’t
eaten the first bite of turkey and already I feel like I’m way behind
on this Christmas thing. Stores have had displays up since Labor Day.
The first holiday TV ads showed up the day after the World Series ended
— red socks for Christmas anyone? And now it turns out my brother and
his wife have not only finished their shopping, wrapped the gifts,
addressed their Christmas cards, and decorated their house, they’ve
also exchanged gifts, returned them to the store twice and, as if that
isn’t enough, decided that the day after Thanksgiving would be a great
time to start shopping for Christmas 2005. And you wonder why I feel
like such a slug?
If you’re anything like me, and for
your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial, you haven’t
made out your list yet. Okay, you haven’t even thought about making
out a list. But there’s no need to panic. I’m here to make life easy
for you. I’ve gone through — I mean, thrown out — the 472
advertising circulars in today’s newspaper and come up with the best
of the best. So just cut out this list, take it with you when you
finally get around to shopping, and in the meantime, keep stringing that
jerky garland for the Christmas tree while watching It’s a
Wonderful Life for the umpteenth time wishing that for once Clarence
would mind his own damned business and go romp around heaven with Della
Reese like any smart angel would. That’s right, it’s time to stop
wondering which one is Harry and which one is David and get ready for
this year’s Christmas gift suggestions.
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We
all have someone on our Christmas list who’s a practical joker. You
know, like Uncle Ernie with his hand buzzer, cigarette load, and dribble
condom. This year there’s a new gag gift on the market — the
exploding cell phone. |
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That’s St. Paul, not
Mrs. Paul – Okay, the grilled cheese sandwich with an image of the
Virgin Mary that was up for sale on eBay would have been the perfect
gift for that special someone with inflated moral values who lives in a
red state, but alas, you were too busy waiting in line for the first
showing of Tim Allen’s annual Christmas crap movie and an online
casino snatched it out from under you. For a bargain basement price of
$28,000, no less. So what do you send now, another Cliff’s Notes Bible
with a “Sorry your parents didn’t practice abstinence” greeting
card? Nope, not this year. If you hurry you can still bid on the fish
stick with a charred image of Jesus on it which an Ontario, Canada man
is selling on eBay. Bidding started at $5,000 and, after one day, there
have been no bids. But don’t dally, you only have until December 1st.
Therapeutic Chocolates
- While it’s true nothing says “I couldn’t pull myself away from
the Ashlee Simpson Karaoke Christmas Special long enough to think
of anything appropriate to get you” as much as a box of chocolates,
with just a little explanation your loved one will realize that you did
this because you care. That’s because it turns out that chocolate is
not only a mood elevator, more effective than Midol, and a not-so-sneaky
way to beg for sex, it’s also a healthy alternative to tofu. It’s
true. In recent years studies have shown that eating dark chocolate can
lower your blood pressure and reduce the risk of a heart attack, that
men who eat three chocolate bars a month live nearly a year longer than
those who don’t, and recently, that an ingredient in chocolate may be
better than codeine to stop persistent coughs. Face it, there’s no
better way to sneakily beg for sex than to feign caring about
someone’s health. Besides, with luck you’ll get to eat a few pieces.
Fun and games (Part I)
– We all have someone on our Christmas list who’s a practical joker.
You know, like Uncle Ernie with his hand buzzer, cigarette load, and
dribble condom. This year there’s a new gag gift on the market — the
exploding cell phone. That’s right, according to the Consumer Product
Safety Commission (motto: “Saving you from yourself”) there were 83
reports of cell phones exploding or catching fire in the past two years,
mostly because of bad batteries, bad chargers, or unpaid cell phone
bills. Imagine the look on a loved one’s face when they say “This
phone’s da bomb” and it is! A real laff riot for all ages.
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If
there’s someone on your list who already has all the hot gifts for
this year — Halo 2, Ugg boots, an iPod, and the YOUniverse ATM Machine
Bank for capitalistic kids — don’t give up hope. You can brighten
their day with synthetic urine. |
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Mile High Blind Date –
Are you having trouble finding something for that single person on your
list who makes you absolutely crazy because they’re so happy and
carefree and you’re not? Give them a plane ticket. I’m not
advocating you get rid of them, after all it’s Christmas and you need
to be good or you won’t get any presents, but seriously, this could
help them get hitched. According to a survey by a credit card company
that will go unnamed because they refused to reduce the exorbitant
interest rate they charge me in return for a blatant and gratuitous
plug, nearly one in four Americans flying this holiday season hope the
person sitting next to them will end up as a date or spouse. And you
thought falling asleep and drooling all over your tray table was a
turn-off. If those odds aren’t good enough, you might want to clinch
the deal by buying them a BMW. A survey in a German car magazine found
that men who drive BMWs have sex more often than those who drive any
other make of car. Interestingly, some of the lowest were Porsche
drivers, lower even than those who drive a Hyundai. Talk about
embarrassing. To ensure the best gift results, you might want to give a
plane ticket-BMW combo package. And set aside a date for the wedding. Oh
yeah, and one for your bankruptcy hearing, too.
Fun and games – Part II
- Finally, if there’s someone on your list who already has all the hot
gifts for this year — Halo 2, Ugg boots, an iPod, and the YOUniverse
ATM Machine Bank for capitalistic kids — don’t give up hope. You can
brighten their day with synthetic urine from Dyna-Tek Industries of
Lanexa, KS. It doesn’t need to be refrigerated, doesn’t smell,
doesn’t foam, and has a catchy name, Surine. Although it’s designed
for researchers who don’t drink enough water, it has plenty of uses
around the home. Okay, a few. But just to be safe, give it to someone
who’s creative and I’m sure they’ll figure out something to do
with it.
That should take care of your
shopping for another year. Now you’ll have more time to deck the halls
with something new, dig up that mistletoe belt buckle and put it on a
larger belt, and focus on what the holiday season is all about —
Putting the “X” back in Xmas. Have a good one!
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them instead of doing your Christmas shopping.
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