Hurdle this
The 1996 Summer Olympics
by Mad Dog

   Yes, Olympic fever is in the air. This, along with pollen, mold and traffic helicopters that beam freeze-frame images (“Look Gene! The cars look like tiny little toys down there!”) are the reason allergy season has been so bad this year. Plus, of course, Rosie O’Donnell’s new talk show which made us all break out in hives.

   It’s impossible not to notice the Olympics. TV stations are running countdowns on the nightly news (“Only fourteen more days until the women’s doubles table tennis quarter-semi-hemi-demi- hexa-finals, Lisa!”). Time magazine devoted an entire special issue to it (“More sweat, less body hair!”). And those five linked rings--officially nicknamed Sleepy, Dopey, Goofy, Doc and Oprah--are everywhere.

   As if an ice cold Coke and a slice of cake doesn’t add up to the breakfast of Olympic champions, Kellogg’s was nice enough to help us out by releasing their mutant cereal product, All American Rice Crispies. Yup! I always say there’s no better way to start your training day than with a big fat bowl of red, white and blue cereal, especially one that has the SNAP! of the starter’s pistol, the CRACKLE! of the crowd’s excitement and the POP! of groin muscles ripping out of place during the broad jump, an event that was nearly canceled this year out of concern for political correctness.

   It’s interesting that while the Food and Drug Administration (motto: “We don’t inhale or swallow.”) has regulations telling the manufacturers of grits how fine, moist, fat and fibrous they must be, no one seems concerned that we’re basically eating our flag! It’s a good thing the members of Congress (motto: “Just like you only we don’t work”) voted down the flag desecration amendment or we’d all be in danger of being arrested while eating breakfast, which would make even more people skip the most important meal of the day than already do, resulting in lower test scores in school, more absenteeism from work, decreased productivity and fewer people calling their doctor because their stools look like the stars and stripes before Hawaii became a state.

   All of this is designed to make people want to go to Atlanta to see the Olympics. Like the very existence of events like equestrians (“the sport of kings”), badminton (“the sport of princes”) and synchronized swimming (“the sport of flaming queens”) isn’t enough. If they really wanted to attract people to Atlanta they should have put a dome over the city and air conditioned it.

   Aside from having more streets named Peachtree than there are peach trees, Atlanta’s perhaps best known for it’s climate. Where Seattle has its rain, San Francisco its fog and Utah its locusts, Atlanta is known as the heat and humidity capital of the Western Hemisphere . That’s why Olympic athletes (“You don’t think we’d be here if we could get a cushy product endorsement, do you?”) have spent the past month in Atlanta getting acclimated to the weather conditions. They sit in humidity chambers, measure their sweat and--I swear this is true!--even train with thermometers in their rectums to determine how hot their inside, or core, temperature has risen, giving rise to the Official Greeting of the 1996 Summer Olympics: “Is that a thermometer up your ass or are you running backwards?”

   Keep all this in mind as you watch the men’s Field Hockey team get their bloomered asses kicked on your Olympic-size TV set in the air conditioned comfort of your living room while drinking an ice-cold Coca Cola and eating yet another slice of SuperMoist Team USA™ Cake with Creamy Deluxe Team USA™ Frosting (with red and blue candy stars). After all, the Olympics are an ancient tradition, second only to Bob Dole, who is, by the way, the Official Presidential Candidate of the 1996 Summer Olympics. Maybe he should change his name to Izzy?

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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