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The
Olympic Columns
The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, the result of steroids |
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Winter
Olympics 2010 (Vancouver)
Welcome to the iOlympics
If there’s one thing you
discover after watching 8,247 hours of the Olympics on TV, it’s that
even a funny commercial becomes tiresome after seeing it three
commercial breaks in a row. Well, that and it all starts to feel
awfully, well, familiar. What we need is new event blood. Like maybe a
couple more biathlon events. Or to drag the Olympics out of ancient
history and into the 21st Century with the post-modern pentathlon. |
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Summer
Olympics 2004 (Athens)
The New and Improved Olympics!
Traditionally the Olympics have been about royalty sports, like equestrians (“The sport of
kings”), badminton (“The sport of princes”), and synchronized
swimming (“The sport of queens”). This year there’s only one new
event — catfighting. I mean, women’s wrestling. If they really want
people to watch they need to make some bigger changes. |
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Winter
Olympics 2002 (Salt Lake City)
Let
The New Games Begin
People get
tired of watching the same old thing. That’s why each time the
Olympics rolls around they add a few new events to keep things fresh.
This year they've added the women’s bobsleigh, the skeleton, and the
biathlon pursuit. A group is lobbying to add bridge to the 2006 Winter
Games in Turin. If they really want to spice them up they should have
the athletes shoot at the Olympic mascots, institute Olympic
shoplifting, and have the Downhill Souvenir Smash. Now those would bring
us some fun Olympic Moments. |
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Summer
Olympics 2000 (Sydney)
The
Olympics – The Greatest Freak Show on Earth
It’s amazing that freaks were banned from sideshows in the U.S.
during the ‘70s yet watching them is not only legal but the favorite
post-Survivor pastime. Normal people can’t leap 8.55 meters in a single
bound. Normal people don’t swim across a pool faster than I can drive.
And normal people don’t go home crying before they compete like
Marie-Jose Perec of France did because they have paranoid delusions about
people following them. At least not the people I know.
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Winter
Olympics 1998 (Nagano)
Upgrading the Olympics
This year there are two brand new events:
snowboarding and women’s ice hockey. There are several other events which, while not
being seen for the first time, are probably unfamiliar, including the 200m Luggage Carry
which is held at the Nagano Airport and the 5 km Slip ‘n Slide which takes place
between the parking lots and the event viewing areas. As a public service,
here’s a guide to the newer additions to the Games. |
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Summer
1996 Olympics (Atlanta)
Hurdle This
Olympic fever is in the air. TV stations are running countdowns
on the nightly news, Time magazine devoted an entire special issue to
it, and The Olympic Torch Relay crawled through your town thanks to its
sponsor, Coca Cola, the official caramel colored paint remover of the
Olympics. Betty Crocker came out with her SuperMoist Team USA™ Cake
Mix, Kellogg’s put out a mutant cereal, All American Rice Crispies,
and the official mascot, Izzy, is everywhere, even no one knows what he
is. Or why. |
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