Part IV - This is only an alert. Right?

		Part IV This is only an alert. Right? by Mad Dog
Expecting American tourists to maintain a low profile is like thinking you’ll wake up tomorrow morning to discover there’s actually a good choice for president. Good luck.		There’s nothing like being in another country and getting an official government email that says, “The Department of State is extremely concerned about the possibility for violent actions against United States citizens.” Sure some American sailors were killed by terrorists in Yemen, but is that any reason to try to get my sarong in a knot? I mean, let’s think about this: On the one hand we have armed representatives of an imperialistic bullying military-industrial complex hanging around the explosive Middle East on a Navy destroyer. On the other we have a writer in Bali, an island where the last known student demonstration was described as “a small street party.” Is it any wonder I’m sleeping well at night? But it’s nice that the State Department is concerned about me. “Americans should maintain a low profile, vary routes and times for all required travel, and treat mail from unfamiliar sources with suspicion” they wrote. Now this is just plain silly. First, expecting American tourists to maintain a low profile is like thinking you’ll wake up tomorrow morning to discover there’s actually a good choice for president. Asking Americans to vary their routes and times is equally absurd. Right, like we should expect the packaged tour company to change a schedule that’s already tighter than a nun’s, well, habit just in case some terrorists decide today’s target is Walter and Madge Anderson of Dubuque, Iowa, a couple who don’t remember what country they’re in and are chronically upset because none of their guidebooks give the translation for chicken fried steak. And face it, we’re Americans, we’re used to treating mail from unfamiliar sources with suspicion. Unless, of course, it’s from Ed McMahon and says “You may be a winner!” For some reason we don’t think that’s suspicious at all.
At some Internet cafes they have offerings sitting next to each computer. I don’t know if this is in lieu of a service contract or extended warranty, but I’ve seen very few computers out of order so it might just work.		This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. A year and a half ago I was in France when we bombed Kosovo (see: A Mad Dog in Bretagne). I was only a couple of countries away yet it might as well have been on the other side of the world. I remained oblivious. It wasn’t by choice, it was because I couldn’t find an English language newspaper less than four days old, the only radio station I could understand, the BBC on Jersey, was more interested in the closing price of nasturtium futures than bombing raids, and the one time I saw International CNN I got the distinct feeling that they knew less about the situation than I did. It gave new meaning to the phrase “negative news.” I definitely feel safe here on Bali. How could you not with so many shrines everywhere? There are four cottages in this compound and each has its own shrine, plus the main one for the compound. Kadek’s sister Kadek—God, I still love saying that!—comes by each evening to place offerings at the shrines. She also leaves them on the sidewalk, railings, porches, road, steps, and this morning (True Story!) on the seat of my motorbike. This isn’t a personal quirk of hers, it happens all over the island. Every home, store, and car has an offering. I bet if I fell asleep in the chair on my porch I’d wake up with one on my lap. It’s actually very comforting. And makes me feel secure. It also makes me realize I could make a killing if I opened Offerings-R-Us™ complete with daily delivery service. I know it would be a hit. Who could resist with Geoffrey Gecko as our mascot? At some Internet cafes they have offerings sitting next to each computer. I don’t know if this is in lieu of a service contract or extended warranty, but I’ve seen very few computers out of order so it might just work. I’m in the process of photographing some of the nicer ones. Think of the money they’ll save when they buy Mad Dog’s Virtual Offering Screensaver once instead of having to shell out for fresh ones every day! I’m not any more well informed here than I was in France. I get my daily email news headlines—well, during the week anyway. I guess they assume nothing important ever happens on the weekend. Either that or they figure we all have enough of a headache from our hangover and don’t need to make it any worse. I pick up the International Herald Tribune a couple of times a week. One day I even bought an Asian edition of USA Today from a guy on the street and it was only one day old. And unread. I think. Even if it wasn’t at least they were nice enough not to have done the crossword puzzle.
Watching a Chinese show in Indonesian reminds me of when I was in Paris and saw The Cosby Show in German. Except Bill Cosby shaves, only has two eyes, and can’t fly. Come to think of it, what’s the big deal about him anyway?		I don’t see much TV, but even if I did there’s only one English language newscast and that’s at 6 o’clock. Or so they tell me. So far I’ve seen Asian MTV which is pretty much the end of music as we know it. I’ve seen bits and pieces of American movies I never heard of, featuring casts devoid of a single familiar name, plot, or anything resembling good acting, yet for some unknown reason they’ve actually bothered to subtitle it in Indonesian. Could it be because they’re, uh, dirt cheap? The other night I saw a few minutes of one and a character called another a “fucker.” It happened too quickly to ask Kadek how they translated it, but for a country that will arrest you if you even think about sneaking porn past customs the censors sure are pretty lax. The best show is easily Kera Sakti. It’s a Chinese action/fantasy/martial arts series that’s dubbed into Indonesian. It’s incredibly popular. I was in a warung the other night—a roadside food stand—and everyone had their eyes glued to it. And why shouldn’t they, it has a guy with a third eye in the middle of his forehead (sure it’s sideways, but who cares?), a Pig Man with a big pot belly and large breasts, and Sun Go Kong, The King of the Monkeys! This guy, who’s the main character, has hair growing out of his face like Jo-Jo the Dog-faced Chinese Boy. And he’s the king, so you know he rules. Everyone here loves the show, and I can see why. They fight, fly through the air on clouds, appear, and disappear, and all the while I have no clue what the hell they’re saying. Watching a Chinese show in Indonesian reminds me of when I was in Paris and saw The Cosby Show in German. Except Bill Cosby shaves, only has two eyes, and can’t fly. Come to think of it, what’s the big deal about him anyway? So is it any wonder I feel safe? If any terrorists dared show their faces on Bali I’m sure the King of the Monkeys would team up with Panji the Millennium Man, who I have yet to see except he’s on the front of every little kid’s T-shirt, including one the other day that had—are you ready for this?—a cape on the back! They’d kick terrorist ass in a heartbeat! And besides, if they needed help we’d all throw offerings at them. Real ones, not virtual ones. Those are for sale. Hey, a guy’s got to make a living, you know. [ Previous ] [ Part V - Livin' la vida local ] [Bali, Hi! INDEX] Read more Mad Dog on the Road ©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting for the evacuation helicoptor.