Welcome to the iOlympics
If there’s one thing you discover after watching 8,247 hours of the Olympics on TV, it’s that even a funny commercial becomes tiresome after seeing it three commercial breaks in a row. Well, that and it all starts to feel awfully, well, familiar. What we need is new event blood. Like maybe a couple more biathlon events. Or to drag the Olympics out of ancient history and into the 21st Century with the post-modern pentathlon.

How About If I'm Just Bored To Serious Injury?
Every day we’re confronted with new advice about what's good or bad for us. This week alone there was a report that beer may prevent osteoporosis and eating chocolate could decrease the risk of having a stroke. It's enough to bore you to death, which it now turns out can actually happen. While there aren’t any surefire ways to guarantee you’ll live longer, there are things you can do to make your time here feel longer. Aside from listening to Bob Costas drone on and on.

Waste Not Time, Want Not Time
There are only 24 hours in a day, so why do we waste so many of them? We waste time waiting for traffic lights. We waste time waiting for slow web sites to load. We waste time standing in the checkout line, commuting to work, deciding what clothes to wear, and sleeping. But is it really all wasted?

A Humbling Day At The Races
There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to bet on the ponies, and that day was Sunday. It turns out there weren’t really any ponies there, just horses. And I didn’t get to place a bet. See, I can follow instructions, figure out how to use a complex computer program intuitively, and even read a manual if it comes to that, but I couldn’t figure out the automated betting machine. It gives new meaning to being a loser at the track.

A Few Words Before School Starts
It’s back to school time, so get ready to sit down and have a talk with the kids about the importance of an education, be they your kids, your sibling’s, or the ones that live next door who spent most of the summer tied up and gagged in your tool shed so you could have some peace and quiet. In case you don’t feel comfortable having this discussion, you can relax. I'm here to do it for you.

The Need For New-Monics
The British government has recommended that teachers stop passing along the “i before e, except after c” mnemonic. It's too bad because it works—well, most of the time, anyway—and it's still embedded in my brain along with "dessert has two esses because you always want seconds” and a bunch of others. But if they're going to do away with the old mnemonics, we definitely need some "new-monics" to replace them.

Pro Fewer Choices
Imagine sitting back and enjoying a lovely Green Tea Coca Cola. If you go to Japan you can get one. You can also get a basil flavored Pepsi. Geez! How many choices do we need? As it is you can get 17 types of Oreos. And mayonnaise comes in regular, light, fat-free, olive oil, canola, with lime juice, and with mustard. Three kinds of mustard. Honestly, do we really need more options? No, but there is one place where we could use more choices. Yes, just one.

Talk To Me, But Only In 25 Words Or Less
We live in a world of brevity and bullet points. It started when letters went out and emails came in, making communication shorter. Next came text messages, which are limited to 160 characters and, since that’s just too verbose for emoticons, Twitter, which maxes out at 140 characters per tweet. But if we’re really going to shorten communication we need to take it down to its essence, to the one character that gives you the feel without any of that icky, extraneous, boring content.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Aw, Forget It
Tenacity is an good virtue to have these days. It’s what we need if we’re going to get through the current global financial crisis with our homes, bank accounts, and retirement years intact. But we also need to be innovative and creative, like the village in England that's not going to repair potholes so they can save money and lives. Or Ohio, where prisoners will take the place of 17 janitors and groundskeepers that were laid off. What next, let prisoners sleep in museums? Hey, it's worth a try.

With Friends Like You, Who Needs Facebook?
They say you can never have too many friends, but obviously They aren’t on Facebook, where the  unofficial motto is: “He who dies with the most friends, wins.” But how many friends do you really need? Exactly 148 if you can believe anthropologist Robin Dunbar. But even then it turns out we ignore most of them. This is all the ammunition I need to not add another person as a friend, not even my mother. Okay, especially not my mother.

Can You Hear Me Now?
The latest burial trend is to take it with you. Your cell phone, that is. Not only are people being buried with their cell phone, but also with their Blackberrys, Game Boys, and iPods. It’s hard to figure out what this means, but imagine thousands of years from now when archeologists discover a pile of bones with a small, primitive electronic gadget in the casket. It's not “He who dies with the most toys wins” anymore, it's “He who is buried with the most toys wins.”

The Million Word March (Or Maybe April)
According to the Global Language Monitor, by the end of April the English language will be one million words strong. That's a lot of words, way more than any dictionary includes. In fact, it's one word for every 1,350 people in the world who speak English. But considering that the average American knows about 20,000 words, what in the world are we going to do with 980,000 more of them? Hella good question, isn't it?

For Sale, One Slightly Used Senate Seat
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested and charged with trying to sell a slightly used Senate seat once occupied by soon-to-be-head-bailouter Barack Obama He called people and flat out told them what he wanted, using the F-word more often than the movie Casino, if you can believe that. If he'd only posted it on the Craigslist jobs board, put it on eBay under “Furniture> Government>Seats,” or started a Facebook Group, “Whadayagot for Rod?” he might still be able to keep his job.

The Secret Life of Thanksgiving
It’s almost Thanksgiving, the holiday that begins with watching giant over-inflated balloons and winds up with us sitting on the couch feeling like one. It’s the day when we spend five hours cooking a turkey that will be a burp in twenty minutes, and the day we pull out the Art of War so we can plot a strategy to outflank, outsmart, and outbuy everyone when we hit the stores at 5:00 a.m. on Black Friday. But mostly, it’s a day of giving thanks.

The Truth in (Anything But Political) Advertising Law
Politicians are like weather forecasters—they can say anything they like without worrying if it’s right, wrong, or is grounded in Bizarro World. It shouldn’t be this way. Politicians should have to back up anything they say. Lie detectors could work. So could hooking them up Abu Ghraib style so if they answer a question falsely they get shocked. At the least they should be required to put warning labels on their ads: "Contents may include stretches of the imagination, fanciful tales, and outright lies."

Election Reform, American Idol Style
The presidential campaign is finally kicking into gear, not to say that the past 12 years of it weren't rolling. We’re tired, worn out, numb from the brain down, and at this point couldn’t care less how it turns out so long as it’s over. But it doesn't have to be this way. We could take a tip from the British and make the process shorter. Or learn from American Idol and make it more fun and glam. Personally, I think we should follow in the footsteps of how they choose the Slug Queen in Eugene, Oregon.

Easy as Pi
If there’s one thing everyone wants, it’s something for nothing. That's why the drug scientists have found that burns calories without exercise is great news. Well, for mice anyway. Meanwhile a professor in England says it should be okay for students to spell words any way they want as long as it’s phonetically correct. I say we should extend the concept to math, then life would be as easy as wun, too, thre. And add up to whatever we want it to.

The Dog Days Of Summer Are Sirius Stuff
The Dog Days of summer are upon us. This is the time of year when the thermometer hits triple digits, there’s so much humidity in the air you get in the shower to dry off, and the power company sends thank-you notes because your air conditioning is making the electric meter spin faster than a Tilt-a-Whirl at a meth convention. So how do we get through them with our sanity and antiperspirant intact? Watermelon. It’s cooling, tasty, cheap, and nature's Viagra.

The Answer Used To Be Blowing In The Wind
Scientists in New Zealand are working on a vaccine that will stop cows and sheep from emitting so much methane. That’s farting and belching to you. If it works, maybe they can adapt it for humans. It could help slow global warming, reduce your carbon footprint, save a polar bear or two, and translate into one less time you’d have to watch An Inconvenient Truth on your solar powered DVD player while driving your Prius. Not to mention save more than a few marriages.

i’ll rite btr l8r
The president of France is worried about what text messaging is doing to his language. He's not the only one. A study found that 64% of American teens have used chat shortcuts or emoticons in their school assignments. Can you imagine that? :) what's next, sentences not having to start with a capital letter, using numbers 4 words, and having Hooked on Phonics replace Strunk and White?

Shiny Happy Countries
It turns out Disneyland isn't the Happiest Place on Earth after all. Denmark is. At least it is according to the World Database of Happiness. The U.S. comes in at number 17, which is a far cry from Moldavia, which brings up the bottom, but then what do you expect when you have mold in your country's name? So how can we increase our happiness, other than move to Denmark? Good question.

Age Before Happiness
A new study shows that the best years of your life weren’t really the best years of your life. Your Golden Years will be. And why shouldn't they be? Movies are cheaper, seats are reserved for you on the bus, and you don’t have to worry about acne. But according to experts it's more because we learn to lower our expectations. I mean, who needs a Nobel Prize in literature when you can write “I hate my job” over and over in a PowerPoint and send it to all your friends?

Misty Watered Down Memories (The Way We Weren’t)
Most of us have no memory of our early childhood, unless of course you count what we think we remember because we've seen the photographs or heard the apocryphal stories and anecdotal evidence handed down by our  parents. But that won't be a problem for anyone born after Hannah Montana. They'll be able to Google their personal memories and save themselves the trouble of having to remember any of it.

Give a Hoot, Thou Shalt Not Pollute
The Catholic Church has added some new sins to the list of life’s don’ts. Things like pollution, mind-damaging drugs, genetic experiments, and accumulating excess wealth. It's not as if we don't already have plenty to choose from, so it must be an attempt to stay hip and up-to-date.If these new green sins turn out to be popular don't be surprised to see Catholic Church 2.0 unveiled, complete with web sites like MyPew and FaithBook.

Learning The Value of a (Billion) Dollar(s)
When I was young, my parents spent a lot of time trying to teach me the value of a dollar, but how are we supposed to teach our children this when the Federal government and big business are setting such bad examples? GM lost $38.7 billion last year and the national debt is increasing by $1 million a minute. Maybe it's time to figure out how to actually grow money on trees. We could use it to repay the national debt and, if there’s any left over, convert it to ethanol so corn doesn’t wind up selling for $1.00 an ear.

Women Love Valentine’s Day, Men are From Mars
Men and women see Valentine’s Day very differently. Right, like they don’t see just about everything differently. Only the stakes are much higher on Valentine’s Day. It’s like the final exam for a relationship except there’s no book you can study, no CliffsNotes to memorize, not even a Classics Illustrated to read in five minutes. There are movies which would give a guy a good idea of what the day is all about but there’s just no way he’s going to sit through it since The Rock isn’t in it. Thus, we’re on our own.

Thanks For No Memory
We’re not getting dumber, we’re getting fuller. And I don’t mean our stomachs, I mean our brains. The Information Age begat the Overload Years and now it’s hard to know what to hold onto and what to send to the Recycle Bin. Face it, there’s only a finite amount of information a brain can contain, which is why I get afraid that if I put one more piece of information in my head something important like my social security number will fall out my ear. Whoops! Oh well, I don't use it  very often anyway.

One Person, One Vote, One Dollar
Finally, after a primary campaign that’s been going on since the day after the last presidential inauguration, it's time to head to the caucuses and polls. That brings up the question, How much is my vote worth anyway? Depending on how you figure it, anywhere from a penny to $49,190. I have an idea. Instead of spending their  money on silly stuff like buttons, bumper stickers, balloons, fake straw hats, TV commercials, and ridiculously priced haircuts, why don't the candidates cut out the middleman and pay voters directly?

Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving
Somehow, Thanksgiving has remained relatively intact, still being celebrated by eating until a plunger won’t get more food down, snoring in front of the TV while telling yourself that breathing is aerobic exercise, doing our best to pretend we like everyone in the family for at least the first half hour, and trying not to think about what mincemeat is while we shovel it down because, well, it’s Thanksgiving and you’re required by law to eat everything that’s set out on the table, including the pine cone turkey centerpiece.

Taking The Fun Out Of Eating Out
Dining out used to be fun. Now, even if you can decide which hyphenated food style you want, you have to leave yourself an extra hour to read the menu descriptions and hear the server drone on longer than a politician on a quiet day. Remember, if it takes the waiter longer to describe the dish than it does to eat it, something’s radically wrong, and it’s not the number of times you chew your food before swallowing that’s the problem. And that's just for starters.

Obliviousness is Bliss
Some people are completely oblivious. They go to the dentist complaining of a toothache and find out they have a four-inch nail embedded in their skull. Or they have headaches and foam at the mouth for 64 years only to learn they've had a bullet in their head all this time. But most people are everyday oblivious, like those who use cell phones and the ones who allow themselves to be ridiculed on the “Jaywalking” segment of The Tonight Show. Hopefully they're in bliss.

Don't Read, Don't Smoke, What Do You Do?
A recent poll found that the average adult read only four books last year, while one in four didn’t get around to reading a single one. Oh, we read magazines, Crate and Barrel catalogs, and web sites we stumble on that aren’t filled with photographs. What we don’t read are warning labels, instruction manuals, ingredient labels on non-dairy creamer, nutritional labels on anything that tastes really good, and books. Maybe what we need are more books about what people really care about.

Wearing The Scarlet Hello Kitty
As the saying goes, if you do the crime you should serve the time, though jail time and fines aren’t the only ways to be punished. Shame works well too. If you shoplift in Alabama you might have to walk around wearing a sign that says, “I am a thief; I stole from Wal-Mart.” If you're a bad cop in Thailand you'll have to wear a Hello Kitty armband. And if you steal someone's identity they should be able to use yours. Hey, no one ever said a punishment can't be unusual as long as it's not cruel.

It's Not The Heat, It's...Okay, It's The Heat
The dog days of summer are upon us, which means the big topic of conversation is the weather. More specifically, how hot it is. Newscasters interrupt your favorite commercials to comment on it. Radio announcers dedicate songs like Heat Wave to it. And the newspaper splashes it across the front page as if it’s never happened before. Don’t they know that summer is defined as “the season between spring and autumn which causes otherwise sane people to forget that it gets hot every year”?

Thou Shalt Not Cut Me Off, Dammit!
The Vatican has issued the Ten Commandments for Drivers. It discusses road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping within the speed limit, avoiding rude gestures while driving, and how a car shouldn't be "an occasion of sin." Whoops! Too late. These guidelines come none too soon. A survey finds that bad driving manners and, as a result, road rage are getting worse. Luckily the new Ten Commandments say praying while driving is okay.

Trendiness Is In The Eye Of The Early Adopter
People like being trendy. That's why we  wear unflattering clothes, eat food we don’t like, and watch TV shows we  can’t stay awake through. The problem is, by the time an idea gets to most of us it’s on the way out and should be avoided like this year’s recycled leg warmers. In other words, it's gone past the tipping point. This is the moment when something unusual becomes common. In other words, when something fun becomes boring. Here's how you can stay ahead of that curve.

Summer Vacations And Summer Not
It’s time to get those summer vacation plans figured out. You could rent a house at the beach or go back to see how much the world’s largest ball of ear wax has grown in the past year, but why? There's the new Creation Museum, with a vegetarian T-rex riding on Noah’s Ark. And Dickensworld, a theme park based on the life and works of *yawn* Charles Dickens. While it's true the indoor roller coaster that takes you on a simulated alien abduction isn't open yet, remember, good things come to those who wait.

When Bad Food Goes Good
It’s not easy being good these days, especially when it comes to eating healthy. The latest word is that the staffs of life — coffee, chocolate, and wine —  are good for you. Even better, new research shows that say pina coladas, daiquiris, mai tais and other fruity drinks are high in antioxidants that fight free radicals. In other words, they're good for you. I'll drink to that! 

All This For An Office That Isn’t Even Round?
Growing up we were taught that good things come to those who wait, but not anymore. It’s 18 months before the presidential election and we’re already in Massive Candidate Overkill Mode. Everyone you’ve ever heard of in politics has thrown his or her hat into the ring, plus a few you haven't heard of. They've already raised $132 million and could end up hauling in $924 million by election day. Who ever knew that being a candidate could be such a lucrative full time job?

57,000 Channels and Nothin’ On
The number of TV channels we get has been steadily rising over the years, with a recent prediction saying we'll soon get 5,000 of them. Of course they’ll be available on the computer, not on your TV. In case you didn’t get the memo, computers are the new TV. That's right, the future of home computers is to be glorified TV tuners. Same junk, new delivery system. It’s the computer as 21st century rabbit ears. Makes you want to go to the library, doesn't it?

Twelve Steps To Never Having To Say You're Sorry
The Virginia General Assembly voted to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. Hey, what’s 400 years amongst friends? They join a long stream of recent apologizers, including Michael Richards, Newt Gingrich, JetBlue, and even the Associated Press. But nothing says “I’m sorry” like going into rehab. I’d believe the Virginia General Assembly’s apology more if they went into rehab. Or at least shaved their heads in atonement like Britney.

Peace Prize Out, Dude!
Nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize are closed, which means only one thing — it’s time to face up to the truth and cancel my October reservation at the Stockholm Motel 6. Again. But really, who cares about the Nobel Prize? Okay, I do. That's why, even though the nomination deadline for all of this year’s prizes has passed, I’m submitting some of my research for consideration next year. Like the 2008 presidential campaign, you can never get started too soon.

It's Nice Work If You Don't Have To Do It
Robert Nardelli, the chairman and chief executive of Home Depot, resigned last week. But don't feel bad for him. After all, he walked away with about $210 million in severance pay. That's $575,342.46 for each day he won’t work during the coming year. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t work seven days a week. The question isn’t whether it’s worth that much not to have him come to work, but rather how the heck do I get a job like that?

The End of New Year's Resolutions
Every year about this time at least a dozen people feel the urge to ask me if I've made any New Year's resolutions. And every year I feel compelled to tell them that although Albert Einstein calculated the density of the Milky Way in 1931 he never fully understood the Snickers bar. Heck, it's easier than telling them the truth: that I've never made a New Year's resolution in my life.

'Tis The Season To Be Shopping
For years the great philosophers of the world have told us that people can be divided into two basic groups: shoppers and rational human beings. As opposed to other classifications of the human race — such as “those who think Borat is funny” and those without a sense of humor” — it’s easy to tell shoppers and non-shoppers apart. Just pretend you're reading Cosmopolitan and take this little quiz.

Vote Early And Vote For A Long Time
I just took half of Al Capone’s advice — I voted early. I’d consider taking the second half and vote often but, to be honest, it’s just too much work. My absentee ballot had 11 sides to fill out. I cast my vote 56 times, including for governor, senator, representative, city assessor, whether to keep or dump 12 judges, and 24 (count ‘em, twenty four!) state, county, and city propositions. There's got to be a better way.

But Mom, I Want To Steal This Phone!
We spend an awful lot of time, money, and effort trying to keep people from stealing things. We have alarms in our cars, CDs are displayed encased in big plastic frames, and half the items at the drug store are locked up. Even your cell phone can have a howling alarm that goes off if it's stolen. Enough with the piercing alarms destroying our peace and quiet, what we really need are alarms that sound like a mother’s chiding voice.

A New You Is Just A Click Away
Recently a photo was printed of Katie Couric in which she was digitally slimmed down. Now HP has made it easy for you to do it to yourself. They've built a function into some of their new cameras that automatically makes you look slimmer. You simply take a photo and select the “Slimming” option. Instantly you’ve lost the ten pounds the camera adds. It's a start, but what they need to do is add some really useful effects.

What, Mea Culpa?
People say the darndest things. First Mel Gibson showed his true colors, then Senator George Allen put “Macaca” in the dictionary. Even Gov. "Hot blood" Schwarzenegger has weighed in. Not surprisingly, members of Hypersensitives Anonymous are in an uproar because, well, face it, there’s nothing you can say nowadays that won’t offend someone. We need to lighten up and be more like Dick Cheney. Seriously.

The Real Artificial Reality
We live in a world of artificial sweeteners, artificial flavors,artificial grass, even artificial insemination. Is nothing real? Hair too curly? Straighten it. Don’t like how you smell? Wear dirt, paint,sawdust, earthworms, or funeral home cologne. The most unreal place is Dubai. They have the world’s largest indoor ski park, a water park with fake thunderstorms, and Michael Jackson. See, nothing in Dubai is real.

A Nickel For Your Thoughts About The Penny
We all spend money without having the foggiest notion what we spent it on. Hey, it happens to the best of us. We could keep a strict budget or write down every expenditure, but a better answer is to make more money. That's what the government does. The problem is, it now costs 1.4 cents to make a penny, so the government stands to lose about $38.4 million dollars making them this year. What would life be like without the penny?

I Cannot Tell A Truth
Whether we like to admit it or not, we all lie.In fact, a recent poll found that 16.66% of the  respondents lied when they said lying is never justified. Honestly. The problem may be that there are so many types lies. There are lies, white lies, fibs, spin, and advertising. It's important to be able to tell them apart. Hey, would I lie to you?

You Can Never Be Too Thin or Have Too Many Excuses Why You Aren’t
The International Journal of Obesity published the Top Ten Reasons Why People Are Obese. The reasons include getting too little sleep, living in air conditioning, and smoking less. We could sleep more, shut off the A/C, and take up smoking so we can shed a few pounds, but there are better ways. Like Twinkie Burritos.

Read This Now, Dammit!
We’re an impatient bunch. We hate standing in line, fume when we’re on hold, and think “instant gratification” is just a high falutin’ way of saying “life.” It takes just 17 minutes of standing in line before we lose our patience. That's it. In some people it turns into rage. Be nice to them, they may be suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder. HEY, WILL YOU CLICK THE LINK AND GO READ IT ALREADY!

Baby's First Cable Channel
It’s amazing it’s taken this long, but finally we have a cable channel programmed for babies. The founders of BabyFirstTV say their programs are educational and aid interaction between infants and parents because they’ll fall sleep — I mean, watch TV — together. But why wait until the baby’s born? Why not start showing them TV while they’re still in the womb?

Put Down That Cap And Gown And Back Away Slowly
Finally, the big day is here, the culmination of 16 years of school — actual mileage may vary — and the reason Mom and Dad have been eating ramen noodles every night for dinner and wearing the same clothes every day. But before you take those final steps down the aisle and onto the muddy road called reality, there are a few things you should know that they probably didn’t tell you.

Driving + Anything Else = Boom!
A study released by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that multitasking drivers are three times as likely to be involved in an accident as those who are paying attention. Who would have thought it? So put down that cell phone, quit reading the newspaper, and stop searching for that half-eaten burrito, this is important stuff.

Beauty Is In The Mirror Of The Beholder
We all like to look good. At least we like to think we look good. Yet for every person who thinks they're dressed hot there’s someone else who thinks they look like a slob. Whether it's baggy pants that hang to your knees, Birkenstocks with white socks, or white powdered horsehair wigs, what we see in the mirror and others see when they look at us can be two very different things.

Pro (Too Many) Choices
We have too many choices. The Rolls Royce Phantom comes in 45,000 colors. Nabisco makes at least 17 different types of Oreos. And face it, a restaurant menu shouldn’t be as long as a Stephen King book. So how come the one place where we desperately need more choices we don't get it? Yes, you guessed it - elections.

Caution: Falling IQs Ahead
A recent survey found that while 22 percent of Americans could name all five members of the Simpson family, only one in 1,000 could name all five First Amendment freedoms. And no, the freedom to be stupid isn't one of them. So it shouldn't be surprising that a high school girl in New Mexico had a baby without knowing she was pregnant, or that a manufacturer of kitchen knives includes a warning sticker reminding you to “Never try to catch a falling knife.”

No, I'm Not LOL
Email is a wonderful thing, but like any form of communication it has its problems. We can use silly emoticons and abbreviations like LOL all we like but it’s still hard to make sure you get your point across. According to a recent study, people correctly interpret the tone and mood of an email only half the time. Since there's no “Retrieve” button on your keyboard, and you can't attach a coin for them to flip, you need to be careful about what you write.

Every Family Has a Loser, Who Invited You?
You and I can ignore our loser relatives, but politicians aren’t so lucky. Lyndon Johnson stashed his brother in the White House where the Secret Service could keep an eye on him. Richard Nixon had his brother's phone tapped. Consider Billy Beer, Roger Clinton's country music CD, and the Bush twins' fake IDs. Somewhere, Franklin D. Roosevelt is thanking his lucky stars he was an only child.

All Beings Being Unequal
The Declaration of Independence says all men are created equal. Don't you believe it. If they were, would a 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student be able to unscramble a Rubik’s Cube in 11.13 seconds while other people are lining up to take a course so they can learn how to use their iPod? You know, the same portable music player their 6-year-old had wired and hacked six ways from Sunday before it was completely unwrapped.

Unfortunately They Didn’t Say “Phatest”
According to Men’s Fitness magazine, Chicago is officially the Fattest City in the United States. Hey, we all need a claim to fame. At least it's not Cleveland, which is known as the Mistake on the Lake, Winnemucca, NV, which is the City of Paved Streets, or Jamaica, which the BBC just named  the “Murder Capital of the World.” Catchy, but not exactly something you can base a tourism campaign on.

The Party That Called You Has Changed Its Mind
Cell phone companies want our phones to be everything - PDAs, MP3 players, game consoles, and movie theaters. *yawn* Now StealthText, the British service that lets you send a text message that deletes itself from the recipient’s cell phone as soon as it’s been read, that's a good feature. Even better would be a “Retract” button. I'd pay extra for that one.

A Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide
It’s time once again to settle in front of a roaring fire, munch on roasted chestnuts, and dump the eggnog down the drain so you can chug the rum straight. That’s right, it’s time to make out your holiday gift list. And since you don't want to worry about it, I will. Here are this year's late-breaking holiday gift suggestions. Go ahead, put the "X" back in Xmas.

Not So Great Expectations
It should come as no great shock that a recent study found men and women to have different tastes in humor. What might be surprising is that they say women actually enjoy a good joke more than men. This is because they don't always expect a joke to be funny, are more analytical, and have lower expectations than men. Maybe it's time to set our sights a little lower.

Beware The Potty Patrol
Ford Motor Co. is keeping an eye on how long workers spend in the bathroom because they say it's slowing down production and the company's losing more money than a blind poker player. And why shouldn't they? Lord knows it's easier to make workers stand around fidgeting with their legs clamped tightly together than it is to design small, reliable, reasonably priced cars that get great gas mileage.

Hey Jerk, Who Are You Calling Rude?
In a recent AP poll, nearly 70 percent of the people said Americans are ruder now than they were 20 or 30 years ago. I know, big shock. The funny thing is, no one thinks they’re rude, it’s always the other person. Since 93 percent blame parents for failing to teach their children better manners, it's time to take some responsibility. So put down your freakin' cell phone and teach your kids some manners, dammit!

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Names Are Forever
Nicolas Cage just named his new son Kal-el, as in Superman's name on Krypton. Of course considering other celebrity children are named Speck Wildhorse, Apple, and Audio Science, that isn't so bad. Celebrities need to realize that the name they give their child has a big effect on his or her life. Are you listening Tom and Katie? 

Hitting the Big Five-Oh-Oh
This is my 500th column. That’s a lot of words, about 450,000 of them to be exact.Okay, that's not exact, it's just a close approximation, but it will have to do. While it's true that a Stephen King book, any speech by Bill Clinton, and the Bible are all longer, I still feel good since I chose the 450,000 words and put them in what was hopefully a new order. And that is, after all, what writing is about.

Ten Reasons Why Robots Are Better Than Children
In Japan, childless women have snapped up Primopuel, a human-looking monkey doll that talks in a childlike voice and has a repertoire of over 200 phrases. Kind of like Victoria Jackson with an "off" switch. They can also buy Wakamaru, a $14,300 robot that’s shaped like a child and can be both housesitter and security guard without breaking child labor laws. Is there any doubt robots are better than children?

Wake Me Up When The Nap Shop Closes
Taking a nap is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately there's not always a good spot handy, especially if you're out shopping. Well there is if you're at the Mall of America, the 520-store shopping center in Bloomington, MN, where a nap shop has opened. Yes, for 70 cents a minute -- that's $42 an hour -- you can catch forty winks. Sure $1 per wink per hour is a lot, but hey, we're sleep deprived.

A Few Words Before School Starts
It’s back to school time, so get ready to sit down and have a talk with the kids about the importance of an education, be they your kids, your sibling’s, or the ones that live next door who spent most of the summer tied up and gagged in your tool shed so you could have some peace and quiet. In case you don’t feel comfortable having this discussion, you can relax. I'm here to do it for you.

Can You Hear Me Now? Do You Want To?
Researchers have developed the Jerk-O-Meter, a program for your cell phone that lets you know if someone's paying attention to what you’re saying. That's just what we need, one more useless thing — I mean feature — on our phone that we won’t use. If they're going to be electronic Swiss Army Knives how come they don’t have the things we need most, like a screwdriver, corkscrew, and Jude Law detector?

The Manchurian Candidate Diet
The low-carb Atkins diet is going the way of Teddy Ruxpin. So what's a weight watcher to do? Have someone lie to you and convince you that you don't like a food you really like so you won't eat it anymore. It's scientifically proven, addition-free, and is based on the same principle that gets us into messy wars. What's not to like?

Eschewing Obfuscation And Spitting It Out
A teacher’s group in England is suggesting that schools stop using the word “fail” and instead call it “deferred success.” What next, will we start telling children they're being recycled to third grade and console them by saying they’ll get to sit at their previously owned desk? No problem, as long as we leave out the part about it downsizing their earning potential. That they'll definitely understand.

Harry Potter and the Full-Blooded Hype Machine
The new Harry Potter book is out and in the process the country’s security level was raised to orange. With all the uproar you’d think it’s a violation of the Patriot Act to accidentally sell a copy of the book. Repeat after me: It’s only a book. Okay, maybe it's the best selling book this side of the Bible, but it’s still a book. We need to regain our perspective.

Real Men Eat Pain For Lunch
A new study shows that, contrary to what we all think, men actually handle pain better than women. At least real men do. You know, like the guy in South Korea who had a 2-inch nail removed from his skull, one that had been there for four years without his knowing it. Hey, put that in your Lamaze class and smoke it.

Shedding Some Light On Sunlight
Where I once thought getting sun was good for me, I later had it drummed into my head that it was evil and I would turn into a pile of wrinkles and carcinoma if I wasn’t bundled up like a 2-year-old heading out into a blizzard. Now it turns out sunlight may actually prevent cancer. Yes, I said prevent it. I haven’t been this confused since Elton John got married.

For Sale, One Slightly Used Life Story
There's a new way to make crime pay. It’s called selling the book and movie rights to your life. Jennifer Wilbanks, the Runaway Bride, and her fiancé just got $500,000 for the rights to their life stories. Mark "Deep Throat" Felts got an estimated $1 million for his book and movie rights. I may sound jealous but I’m not. See, I have a plan.

Laughter – It’s Heart Healthy and Low in Calories!
According to two recent studies, laughter may indeed  be the best medicine –  it can not only help you lose weight, it’s good for your heart. The question is, How much laughter do we need? Luckily we now have a scientific formula to help. It determines the funniest sitcom and, contrary to what I expected, the answer doesn't always come out to zero.

Having a Large Vocabulary is Hot
Thirteen-year-old Anurag Kashyap won this year's National Scripps Spelling Bee by spelling “appoggiatura.” Don't worry, I don't know what it means either. At least he has a good vocabulary. When David Letterman interviewed Paris Hilton the other night I don't think she said three words other than “hot.” While we don’t need to sound like eggheads, it wouldn’t hurt if we sounded a bit smarter.

Everything I Know I Learned From Donald Trump
As if owning buildings, casinos, and the 9:00 PM Thursday time slot isn’t enough, Donald Trump has launched an institution of higher learning. At  Trump University there are no grades, degrees, or chance to score at a football game or frat party. It’s a virtual university consisting of online courses, books, self- assessment tools, and home study courses. Oh yeah, and hats, T-shirts, golf shirts, and sweatshirts emblazoned with the Trump U. logo.

Usefulness Is Going To The Dogs
A cell phone company in South Korea has started a service that translates your dog's barks. Bowling balls are available in grape, cherry, and amaretto scents. And Fox is starting the Reality Channel to prove that you can never be surprised too many times by the same thing. Yes, boredom has bred a craving for intense uselessness.

A Few Words Before You Graduate
Graduation Day is an event full of pomp, circumstance, and sheepskin diplomas that conveniently come with the messy wool already shorn so you don't have to comb it before you have it framed. But before you pass through the collegiate portals into the brave new world that awaits you — known in many cultures as “waiting for retirement” — there's one more obstacle you have to get through: the graduation speaker.

A Summer Vacation Guide
It’s time to start thinking about your summer vacation. Face it, the world's largest ball of ear wax was fun once, but you need something different to do. So put down that travel brochure and call the family together. Just wait until they hear that you’re going to Museum of Foreign Debt. Or Dickensworld. Don't worry, they'll perk up when they find out you'll stop for a 10.5-lb Beer Barrel Belly Buster burger. Yum!

Mo Better Looking Money
Congress is thinking about putting out new $1 coins featuring the faces of past presidents. But I have a better idea. Put People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” on silver dollars and sell them for 50 cents each. Since they only cost eight cents to make, the government will earn a huge profit. The federal deficit goes bye-bye, taxes are lowered, and I walk home with a Nobel Prize in Economics. What's not to like?

The New Food Pyramid - Shape Up Or Ship Out
The USDA has come up with a new and incomprehensible food pyramid that has no words, no icons, and no meaning. What they should have done is clarify the food groups, change the shape to something a little slimmer, and switch the responsibility for it to a different government agency. Like the IRS.

Voting Is Easy, Showing Up Is Hard
Voting is a privilege. It can also be a big pain in the butt. It's inconvenient, there are too many elections, and it takes too much effort to decide who to vote for. I picture a day when everyone sits at home and hits a button at the same time, watching the polling numbers on a graph on the TV screen, much like the audience lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I have seen the future of voting and the ratings will be huge.

Who Says You Can't Buy Happiness?
A study found that increasing the frequency of sex from once a month to once a week provides as much happiness as a $50,000-a-year raise, while a lasting marriage brings $100,000 worth of happiness a year. Meanwhile a man who paid doctors to give him a second penis had his wife leave him. The question is: Can money really buy happiness?

When Good Pranks Go Respectable
The new edition of Webster’s New World College Dictionary includes the word “wedgie.” You’d think at this point everyone would know what a wedgie is because they've either given or received one. But wedgies aren't always the innocent fun you might think. It turns out they can land you in jail. At least they can in Chicago.

Here She Comes, Miss Trump America
Donald Trump is thinking about buying the Miss America pageant. And why not, he already controls 50 percent of Miss Universe. If he does buy it he'll need to spruce it up a bit. After all, as with anyone or anything that’s been around for 84 years, it could use a make-over. Think: Barbie meets Fear Factor. Is that the sound of soaring ratings I hear?

Everyone Talks About The Weather, But Only The Weatherman Gets Paid To Do It
Being a TV weatherperson has got to be the best job in the world. Sure, being an ice cream taster at Ben & Jerry’s, the head of human resources for the Acme Porn Flick Company, or Leonardo DiCaprio are also good career choices, but they don’t afford you the luxury of screwing up 365 nights in a row while not only keeping your job.

Going Out With a Bang, Not a Whimper
Hunter Thompson asked that his ashes be blasted out of a cannon. Big deal. Some people have had their cremains stuffed into firework shells while others have had theirs mixed with concrete to form artificial reefs. Mark Gruenwald's ashes were mixed with ink to print a  comic book, while “Steady Ed” Headrick had his incorporated into a special edition Frisbee. Me? I want my friends to smoke my remains.

Welcome to Birdbrain Spacelines
The Federal Aviation Administration released guidelines for passengers and crew members of tourist space ships. Among them is the recommendation that crew members "be trained to operate the vehicle." This Duh! Report is another example of a government agency spending our hard earned tax dollars to state the obvious. But don't call them birdbrains, it turns out that would be in insult to birds.

You Can Never Be Too Rich, Too Thin, Or Brush Your Teeth Too Often
No one likes going to the dentist, but good dental hygiene is important. Especially now that it turns out brushing your teeth can help prevent a heart attack. And help keep your weight down. Hey, it doesn’t get any better than this. Well, not unless we were to find out that brushing our teeth also makes Jessica Simpson invisible.

Let Them Eat Twinkies
It's been ten years since a group of students at Rice University (motto: "It's a change from potatoes") took time out from their busy schedule of watching Beavis and Butt-head, putting boxer shorts on their heads when posing for their class photograph and pretending Jerry Garcia hadn't died, to conduct some scientific tests on Twinkies. Not much has changed since then, other than no self-respecting college student would waste his or her time like this. Oh, and Twinkies are about to turn 75 years old.

This Column For Sale. Cheap.
Like most people, I’m always on the lookout for ways to make more money. That's why I came up with a plan. Since the government has been paying syndicated commentators to promote its programs, why not put my column up for bid on eBay? I’ve got a column ready with blanks left in it. All I need to do is drop the name of the government program in the slots and it’s ready to go. Let the bidding begin!

How to Tell If You're Having a Bad Day
A Welsh psychiatrist has declared that January 24th is the “most depressing day of the year.” He arrived at this conclusion by way of a mathematical formula he devised. Who needs that? There are plenty of signs to let you know when you’re having a bad day, and they’re not algebraic. In case you need some help, here are a few of those signs.

A Guide to Getting Tickets to the Inauguration
You don’t need an invitation to attend inaugural events. Well, not all of them. You do, however, need to know a member of Congress if you want to see the swearing-in. Luckily the parade is free. Unless, of course, you want to be able to see it. And the inaugural balls will only set you back between $395 and $1,495. Yes, that's per person. Thank god it's on TV so I can turn it off.

Nothing Says Lovin' Like Twinkies in the Jailhouse Oven
Martha Stewart is complaining about the bad food in prison. Can you imagine? Actually she's more upset that prisoners at the Walla Walla state penitentiary have beat her to the punch by publishing a Convict Cookbook. But that's not the only hot cookbook these days, there's also The Good Food Cookbook for Dogs and the upcoming one chock full of Twinkie

The Buck Stops Anywhere But Here
A survey found that 80% of those polled think people are less courteous when using cell phones today than they were five years ago, yet 97% of them said they are “very courteous” or “somewhat courteous.” This is a phenomenon known as INM (It’s Not Me). It combines denial, delusion, and the Gross National Clueless Index. And it's becoming more common all the time.

Being Thankful For a New Year
As the year winds down it’s time for reflection and giving thanks. I’m thankful I made it through another year reasonably intact. I’m thankful the presidential election is over. I’m thankful that Ocean's 12’s only predecessor was Ocean’s 11 and that the series didn’t start with Ocean. And I’m thankful I haven't had a nail in my head for four years. That's only the beginning.

You Think That's Humiliating?
A woman who was patted down while passing through airport security has filed a complaint saying, “I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.” Hah! That's not humiliating. Being named Phinnaeus as Julia Roberts’ son is, now that's humiliating. Or having your umbilical cord preserved in acrylic resin instead of being gold plated, that’s really humiliating. And that's only the beginning.

Christmas Gift Guide 2004
If you’re anything like me, and for your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial, you haven’t made out your Christmas list yet. Okay, you haven’t even thought about it. But there’s no need to panic, I’m here to make your life easy. Whether you want a fish stick with an image of Jesus on it, an exploding cell phone (a real laff riot!), or synthetic urine, you've come to the right place.

It Ain't Easy Being Holy and Cheesy
A woman is selling half a grilled cheese sandwich on eBay. It's ten years old, has a bite taken out of it, and has an image of the Virgin Mary charred into it. At the current bid of $7,801 it's a bargain. I would gladly have paid that for the cinnamon bun that looks like Mother Theresa which I saw in a coffee shop in Nashville. Hey, no one ever said salvation comes cheap.

Predictions Seen in the Rear View Mirror May Appear More Accurate Than They Are
In July I made an election prediction based on the best and most reliable forecasting I could get my hands on, including how the candidates parted their hair, how the Redskins would play, and what world renown psychic Bob91322 thought. The predictions indicated that John Kerry would win. Boy, were they ever wrong by a landslide. Okay, a mandate. Lets take a look at how so many  predictions could be so wrong.

You've Been Warned
Everything seems to have a warning label these days. In the case of ladders there are so many there's no place to stand. While in some countries the warnings are tough, as in cigarette packs that announce “Smoking can cause a slow painful death,” here in the U.S. we prefer wussy warnings like “Cigarette Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide” and “We Really Wish You Wouldn’t Smoke.” We definitely need better, more direct warnings.

Is That Prozac In The Water Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
They've found traces of Prozac in our drinking water. While it has environmentalists in an uproar, it could actually reduce crime, put an end to fighting and war, cause employees at the Division of Motor Vehicles to smile and be helpful, and mean the Counting Crows would put out a CD that doesn’t cause everyone who listens to it to contemplate suicide. Unfortunately it  won’t cure everything.

When Lottery Winners Are Losers
A recent Gallup poll found that 55 percent of Americans would continue in their jobs if they won $10 million in the lottery. That’s why the emerging field of Lottery Eugenics is becoming increasingly important. Simply put, anyone who is too stupid to enjoy their winnings shouldn’t be allowed to have it. Before they collect they'll take a test. It will consist of one question. How hard could it be?

Please Don't Call Me On The NannyPhone
A German company has created a tiny sensor they'll put in a cell phone that will detect if you’re too drunk to drive, need a breath mint, or someone cut the cheese. I'm sure there will be a line of add-ons to let you know if your zipper is undone, your socks don’t match your shirt, your deodorant is letting you down, or there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe. It could signal the end of cell phones.

Hello! It's the New Grammar
While the dictionary says whatever can be a pronoun, an adjective, or an interjection, it’s more than that. So much more that it deserves to be its own part of speech. It should be the founding member and cornerstone of the dismissive case, right alongside “Don’t go there”, “What’s up with that?”, and “Hello!”, as in “Hello! What did you think I meant?”

Livin'La Vida California
It’s rather ironic that while I sit here waiting for the Big One that all my friends and family knew would strike the instant I moved to California, they’re back east getting slammed by back-to-back hurricanes and massive floods. But that's not the only plus to living here. We also have Arnold, the only Great White shark in captivity, and a shiny new anti-necrophilia law.

Being a Jester is No Laughing Matter
England just hired its first Official Court Jester since 1649, a man named Kester the Jester. You can just tell from his nom du clown that he’s one funny guy. We should consider having an Official Jester here in the United States. Lord knows we could use it since life isn’t very funny these days. And yes, I do think I'd be perfect. Hey, quit laughing!