Is That Prozac In
The Water Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
by Mad Dog
daily doses of naturally ingested Prozac could reduce crime, put an end
to fighting and war, cause employees at the Division of Motor Vehicles
to smile and be helpful, and most of all, keep Elton John from going all
PMS at reporters and slagging Madonna.
||Not long ago, Britain’s
Drinking Water Inspectorate (motto: “Our mission is clear.”)
announced that they’d found traces of Prozac in the country’s
drinking water. Needless to say, the citizenry took it very calmly.
Apparently the drug is ending up in their drinking glasses by way of the
treated sewage system. Yes, Liz’s royal subjects have been sipping
slightly used Prozac. Yum! There’s nothing quite as tasty as ABC
Prozac — Already Been Calming. If word gets out it won’t be long
before we start seeing ads on eBay offering: “Previously owned Prozac.
Only used for a few hours on weekend nights by a slightly depressed
teenager whose parents insisted he take it because he couldn’t get a
date and they were afraid to give him Accutane.”
As you’d expect, British
environmentalists are in an uproar because they haven’t been drinking
enough water to get an effective Prozac level in their bloodstream. Just
kidding. Actually they’re upset because they don’t think people
should be medicated unwittingly. Or without a doctor writing — and
charging — for a prescription. What they’re missing is that it
really isn’t such a bad idea. Think about it, small daily doses of
naturally ingested Prozac could reduce crime, put an end to fighting and
war, cause employees at the Division of Motor Vehicles to smile and be
helpful, and most of all, keep Elton John from going all PMS at
reporters and slagging Madonna. Okay, maybe we don’t want him to stop
the latter, but we have to be prepared to take the bad with the good.
Had there been Prozac in the drinking water during the presidential
primaries, Howard Dean might be moving into the White House come January
rather than enrolling in yet another Excitement Management class.
Having Prozac in the drinking water would definitely make life
more pleasant. Imagine being perfectly happy watching Celebrity
Jeopardy with Jessica Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith, and Homer Simpson,
even with the sound turned up. Think about a world where the Counting
Crows would put out a CD that doesn’t cause everyone who listens to it
to contemplate suicide. And yes, it would even mean a few of us might
actually laugh at Carrot Top, though of course not at his commercials.
Hey, you can’t expect miracles. It could help Britney stay married,
stop Dick Cheney from being so damned mean, and make taking public
transportation almost an enjoyable event.
Had there been Prozac in the drinking
water during the presidential primaries, Howard Dean might be moving
into the White House come January rather than enrolling in yet another
Excitement Management class. If there was Prozac in the drinking water
in Spain, people wouldn’t be signing up for an online service that
promises to send a steady stream of emails after they die to their loved
ones. I don’t know about you, but were I to start getting post mortem
emails from a dead friend or family member saying, “Having a gr8 time.
Am w8ing 4 u 2 get here” I think I’d set up a spam filter as quickly
as I could.
It would also mean no one would shell
out their hard earned bucks for the new PetsCell, a cell phone for dogs
that’s being marketed by an Arizona company that has more money than
good ideas or sense. Shaped like a bone, it’s strapped around the
dog’s neck and has a speakerphone that automatically answers when the
phone rings. Do you still doubt the wisdom of bagging fluoride and
instead adding Prozac to our drinking water?
Unfortunately Prozac-infused water won’t cure everything. It won’t
stop Ukrainian companies from selling ice cream with names like (True
Fact Alert!) “Your Hemp Dose” and “Poppy Fun.” Nor will it stop
Ukrainian judges from banning it.
With luck it would put a stop to cell phone mania in general, or
at the least stop people from yelling into them. Remember, the concept
of a cell phone is that it transmits and amplifies sound, you don’t
need to amplify it yourself. Prozac-fortified water would also stop
people from being crazed enough to buy a MyMo, which is a simple,
easy-to-use cell phone being sold in Britain that’s aimed at
four-to-eight-year-old children. After all, you can never be too young
to learn bad manners. Or how to yell into a cell phone. With luck the
Prozac level in the Thames is high enough to end this foolishness before
it can catch on.
It would also mean single Japanese
women could stop buying the new “Boyfriend’s Arm Pillow.” This is
a headless stuffed torso with an arm that curls around the sleeper
that’s supposed to take the place of a boyfriend. And yes, women are
actually buying them, and not as a gag gift. Well, not unless you count
that it makes you gag to think of women actually enjoying a stuffed
surrogate. True it doesn’t talk back, doesn’t mind if you don’t
shave your legs all week, and doesn’t sit around watching sports and
leaving indelible orange Cheez Doodle stains on the arms of the chairs,
but neither does a flower pot and you wouldn’t think about sleeping
with that, would you? Repeat after me: It’s a stuffed pillow.
Unfortunately Prozac-infused water
won’t cure everything. It won’t stop Ukrainian companies from
selling ice cream with names like (True Fact Alert!) “Your Hemp
Dose” and “Poppy Fun.” Nor will it stop Ukrainian judges from
banning it, as they have. And it probably won’t stop people from
attending the Gun Club meeting at Whisper Walk, a retirement community
in Florida where shaky hands are as common as gray hair. But hey, it’s
a start. And even if it means our teeth aren’t as strong because
there’s no fluoride, it’s a safe bet we won’t care. I’ll drink
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while on Prozac. They're better that way. Trust me.