Doing it Holiday Style

Happy Holidaze!

'Tis the season to be jolly, right?  Well, what better way to celebrate than with some Doggy Style holiday columns, the perfect gift when you care enough to offend the very best....

Christmas     Thanksgiving    The New Year    Valentine's Day

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A Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide
Itís time once again to settle in front of a roaring fire, munch on roasted chestnuts, and dump the eggnog down the drain so you can chug the rum straight. Thatís right, itís time to make out your holiday gift list. And since you don't want to worry about it, I will. Here are this year's late-breaking holiday gift suggestions. Go ahead, put the "X" back in Xmas.

Holiday Gift Guide 2006
You really wanted to give your loved ones peace on earth and goodwill towards men this year but, wouldnít you know it, Neiman Marcus went and featured a trip into space for six ó at a cost of only $1.7 million ó in their Christmas catalog instead. Not to worry. I'm here to help you keep from giving everyone yet another Old Spice Gift set. Just sit back, chug some eggnog, and after you're finished getting sick, lets get started. 

Christmas Gift Guide 2004
If youíre anything like me, and for your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial, you havenít made out your Christmas list yet. Okay, you havenít even thought about it. But thereís no need to panic, Iím here to make your life easy. Whether you want a fish stick with an image of Jesus on it, an exploding cell phone (a real laff riot!), or synthetic urine, you've come to the right place.

Mad Dog's Budget Holiday Gift Guide
In spite of what Someone keeps telling us, the economy is tight this year. This means we need to buy gifts on a budget. But don't despair, you can still afford a glowing fish, a well-endowed fossil, a highly sexed worm, or a 10-cent metal sculpture of a president.

Thank God Christmas Only Comes Once a Year
The past year has been amazingly busy here in the Dog household. The body cast will be coming off soon, Brian apologized for misspelling "Mom" on my new tattoo, and the I.R.S. dropped the tax evasion charges when they came to the house and agreed that I couldn't possibly have made any money last year. But look on the bright side, at least I can still send out this Christmas newsletter!

It's Not The Gift That Counts, It's...Okay, It's The Gift
Just in case Santa's elves are too busy auditioning for Under The Rainbow-2 to help with your Christmas shopping, here are a few gift suggestions. Well, providing you have people on your list who would like a bondage Barbie, a crying baby translator, an ad on a police car, or a roll of wart-removing duct tape. And after all, who doesn't?

I'm Beginning to Shop a Lot Like Christmas
Christmas is going to be different this year. Not just because the outside of every house will be decorated in red, white, and blue bulbs. Or that you'll  have to explain to the kids that Santaís beard is white because heís old, not because itís covered in anthrax. No, this year will be different because when you splurge on gifts you wonít have to feel guilty. In fact youíll feel downright good knowing that youíre not only bringing a smile to peopleís faces, but íll also helping the economy and doing your part to win the war on terrorism. Now if you only knew what to buy....

'Tis Better to Give, Especially If You're Giving These
There comes a time during the holiday season when we have to look past the glittery tinsel, the sparkling lights, and the 1,456,975th bad rendition of ďThe Little Drummer BoyĒ and remind ourselves what Christmas is all about: gifts. That's why Iíve put together a few gift suggestions, each one perfect for the person who wishes they had everything.

I'm Dreaming of a White Rice Christmas
Christmas 2000 in Bali

Itís a couple of days before Christmas and thereís little question itís going to be a non-event. What do you expect on a Hindu island in a Muslim country? Of course we can always hope that Santa will drop off some hot Balinese woman who doesnít want an instant family or a green card, but the truth is Iíd have a better chance of running into Richard Simmons, Jr. sarong shopping on Jalan Raya.

Holiday Gift Suggestions for the New Millennium™  
If you’re like me and haven’t even thought about making a list, better yet gotten around to checking it twice, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure that you and your family don’t end up on the Fox Network’s Christmas special, "America’s Best Holiday Massacres Caught on Tape."

All I Want for Christmas
Everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s about time, don’t you think? After all, the displays have been in the stores since Labor Day, you woke up this morning with the realization that Christmas also spells "trims cash", and everyone including that guy behind the counter at the 7-11 is wishing you a happy holiday. Right. Like you’re actually going to leave him a tip for ringing up that Breakfast Big Bite and the large Peanut Butter and Jelly Slurpee. I mean, it’s not as if he sold you a Furby or anything.

Christmas in the '90s
What we really need is a good updating of the classics. Something traditional, yet something we can relate to in this digital age. That's why, in the spirit of Christmas giving, I hereby give and bequeath these 90's movie concepts to Hollywood, the world, and especially to you, the loyal reader sitting in your La-Z-Boy recliner with remote in hand and popcorn ball in your mouth.

Holiday Gift Ideas
While you were busy decking the halls, nogging your egg, and trimming the tree (then cleaning up the branches you trimmed off), I was scouring the four corners of the earth looking for gift ideas, not an easy task when you realize that the world is round and, if I remember my geometry half as well as I wish I did, that means it can only have one corner. The left one. What I’m getting at is that even though I missed three corners of the earth I’ve managed to uncover gifts that, should you choose to give them, will make you the belle of the Christmas ball.


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The End of New Year's Resolutions
Every year about this time at least a dozen people feel the urge to ask me if I've made any New Year's resolutions. And every year I feel compelled to tell them that although Albert Einstein calculated the density of the Milky Way in 1931 he never fully understood the Snickers bar. Heck, it's easier than telling them the truth: that I've never made a New Year's resolution in my life.

Being Thankful For a New Year
As the year winds down itís time for reflection and giving thanks. Iím thankful I made it through another year reasonably intact. Iím thankful the presidential election is over. Iím thankful that Ocean's 12ís only predecessor was Oceanís 11 and that the series didnít start with Ocean. And Iím thankful I haven't had a nail in my head for four years. That's only the beginning.

Life Will Be Fine in '99
I spotted the new year coming from a mile away. The first tip off was the note on my Martha Stewart desk calendar to "chop down a tree to make paper for next year’s calendar." Then there was the arrival of Christmas—a pretty strong clue in itself. Next came People magazine's "100 People Whose Movie Studios and Record Companies Bought The Most Advertising So We’d Put Them On Our Cover" issue, which sold briskly in spite of the fact that we all guessed that Leonardo DiCaprio would be number one. But the real clincher was when I blindly stumbled across my first "Year in Review" article.

A Layman’s Guide to Millennium Fever
The first thing you want to know about the millennium is WHO—as in, who cares? Actually, a lot of people care. And by some coincidence they all stand to make money from it. Miller Beer got a trademark to call themselves the "Official Beer of the Millennium" because, well, they thought of it before you did.

 

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The Secret Life of Thanksgiving
NEW FOR 2008!
Itís almost Thanksgiving, the holiday that begins with watching giant over-inflated balloons and winds up with us sitting on the couch feeling like one. Itís the day when we spend five hours cooking a turkey that will be a burp in twenty minutes, and the day we pull out the Art of War so we can plot a strategy to outflank, outsmart, and outbuy everyone when we hit the stores at 5:00 a.m. on Black Friday. But mostly, itís a day of giving thanks.

Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is relatively intact, still being celebrated by eating until a plunger wonít get more food down, snoring in front of the TV while telling yourself that breathing is aerobic exercise, doing our best to pretend we like everyone in the family for at least the first half hour, and trying not to think about what mincemeat is while we shovel it down because, well, itís Thanksgiving and youíre required by law to eat everything thatís set out on the table, including the pine cone turkey centerpiece.

Give us this day, our daily rice
Thanksgiving 2000 in Bali
It's Thanksgiving and there are no turkeys to be found. If I wanted to be like the Balinese I'd eat nasi campur three times a day with my hands. But I think I'll stick with Chee-tos Chicken Grill flavor. After all, the package says: ďChester Cheetah makin kerin aja! Chee-tos Snack yangÖ.KREESSH!Ē and that's good enough for me.

'Tis the Season to be Shopping
For years the great philosophers of the world have told us that people can be divided into two basic groups: shoppers and rational human beings. As opposed to other classifications of the human race — such as "those who think Borat is funny" and  "those without a sense of humor" — it’s easy to tell shoppers and non-shoppers apart.

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Women Love Valentine’s Day, Men are From Mars - Men and women see Valentineís Day very differently. Right, like they donít see just about everything differently. Only the stakes are much higher on Valentineís Day. Itís like the final exam for a relationship except thereís no book you can study, no CliffsNotes to memorize, not even a Classics Illustrated to read in five minutes. There are movies which would give a guy a good idea of what the day is all about but thereís just no way heís going to sit through it since The Rock isnít in it. Thus, weíre on our own.

Those Darn Sexual Myths
The truth is, no one understands sex. This is amazing since we think about it constantly, we lust after it whenever we can, and believe it or not, people actually study it in school. Some as an official major. But for something we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to achieve, you’d think by now we’d have a better grip on it, so to speak. Or at least a better understanding of our opponent.

Caution: Sexual signposts up ahead
A man works under the assumption that as long as a woman isnít snoring she wants to have sex with him. Women, on the other hand, think that any guy who buys them a drink, talks to their chest, and casually asks whether they prefer ribbed or unribbed condoms is only after sex. This couldnít be farther from the truth. Men are just naturally inquisitive. So how can we interpret the sexual signals people give off so we can keep our egos and body parts intact? 

Women Are Spider Mites, Men Are Sea Hares
Crossed mating signals are a major cause of hurt feelings, self-esteem problems, and late night masturbation in adults. The trouble arises because women are much more subtle about these signals than men. Women flirt seductively, cook romantic candlelight dinners, and dress sexy. Men, on the other hand, send out signals which are about as subtle as a Jerry Springer audience. Why can't women be more like spider mites and men like sea hares? Life would be so much easier.

Sexual Preferences
If you’re like most of us, you look for a mate who’s compatible, who you want to spend your life with, and who will put up with your counting peoples’ toes to make sure they have five on each foot.  If you’re President Clinton, you look for someone who will stand by you even when you repeatedly show incredibly bad taste in your choice of liaisons.  And if you’re Elizabeth Taylor or Mickey Rooney, you pretty much just look for anyone you haven’t married yet.

Playing by The Rules - We all must have done something terribly, horribly, unspeakably evil in our prior lives. As if the Macarena wasn’t punishment enough for living in the 90’s, now we have to put up with hearing all about a best selling book which purports to tell women everything they need to know in order to catch a man. Right. Like catching a man is a big deal. Look, if you want to catch something you can really brag about, try landing a 900 lb. marlin. Or the Loch Ness monster. Then I’ll be impressed. But a man? Pshaw! We’re easy.

Read This Before You Get Married
If you ever find yourself lying in bed in the morning and you stop coughing long enough to say to yourself, "You know, maybe I was wrong. There really isn't much of a difference between men and women," give me a call. Not only is there a bigger difference between the two sexes than all the light years between Mars and Venus, but I have the proof.  To find out for yourself, all you have to do is find a couple who is about to be married and get yourself invited to both the bachelor party and the bachelorette party.

Sex and the Single Pig-faced Boy
People in the U.S. say they have sex an average of 132 times a year. This verifies something weíve always suspected: Americans are not only more obsessed with sex, but also the worldís biggest liars. The Japanese, on the other hand, came in dead last. They have sex an average of 37 times a year, which is about once every ten days, or about as often as some South American countries change their president.

Looking for a *beeping* date
Here comes the latest Japanese import, the Lovegety. This is a small pager-like device which supposedly helps you find an appropriate mate. That’s right, it beeps when it detects someone as desperate as you are. Just kidding. Kind of.

Wind-up Romance - Scientists all over the world may retire now, safe in the knowledge that their probing minds and tinkering hands are no longer needed, for the ultimate invention has been created. Yes, after putting up with such bogus technological advances as the light bulb, the telephone and the Flow-Bee haircutting system, we can all sleep better at night knowing that any day now we'll be able to buy a wind-up radio that can help us find a wife.

Gorilla My Dreams
Casey, a 21-year-old gorilla who lives in New Orleansí Audubon Zoo, is being shown a gorilla porn video because, well, what comes naturally just doesn't come naturally to him. You can't blame him completely, how much can you learn when all they'll let you watch is reruns of Every Which Way but Loose?

 


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

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