There's more Doing It Holiday
by Mad Dog
you have someone on your gift list that youd like to give food to but theyre
on a low-fat diet and the doctor has made them swear off butter sculptures? Then get them
a bag of Vegetable McNuggets with McMasala sauce.
December, the time of year when a persons thoughts turn to "Oh my God
its almost Christmas and I havent bought the first present yet!"
Relax, Ive got everything under control.
While you were busy decking the halls, nogging your egg, and trimming the tree (then
cleaning up the branches you trimmed off), I was scouring the four corners of the earth
looking for gift ideas, not an easy task when you realize that the world is round and, if
I remember my geometry half as well as I wish I did, that means it can only have one
corner. The left one. What Im getting at is that even though I missed three corners
of the earth Ive managed to uncover gifts that, should you choose to give them, will
make you the belle of the Christmas ball.
Food is a good all-purpose gift, which is
why Hickory Farms is so popular this time of year. That and the fact that they stand in
the mall giving out free microscopic slivers of petrified Beef Sticks, which are really
nothing more than Paleolithic Slim Jims. But face it, everyone gives Hickory Farms gift
boxes and you want something a little different.
How about giving a loved one a butter
sculpture reproduction of Grant Woods painting of the happy-go-lucky
farmer and his wife, "American Gothic"? Norma "Duffy" Lyon, whos
known as the Butter Lady, made this very sculpture for the Iowa State Fair a few years
back and while I dont think Dean and DeLuca carries it, Im sure if it
hasnt melted or been spread on the worlds biggest English Muffin shell
be glad to sell it to you.
Do you have someone on your gift list that
youd like to give food to but theyre on a low-fat diet and the doctor has made
them swear off butter sculptures? Then get them a bag of Vegetable McNuggets with
McMasala sauce. Sure youll have to go to a McDonalds in New Delhi, India,
to buy them, but it will be worth it when you see the look in Aunt Gerties eyes!
You might want to look into getting them a Taiwanese Exploding Taxi. In order to save
money on gasoline, enterprising Taiwanese cab drivers have taken to converting their cabs
to run on liquefied natural gas.
|| Wine. Now theres
a gift thats perfect when you dont have a clue what to get someone. But if
youre going to buy wine let me give you a tip: Buy something old. Unless, of course,
it comes in a plastic bag with a pour spout, in which case Id recommend buying the
bag with the most recent open dating.
Its a known fact that, with the exception of Beaujolais Nouveaux,
which is best drunk before its even made, the older the wine is the better. So if you
really want to impress someone, Id suggest taking a trip to the University of
Pennsylvania Museum in Philadelphia and stealingI mean, buyingthe clay jar
they found in the mountains of Iran which contains the oldest traces of wineover
7,000 years old. This is sure to impress anyone, especially if you can nab the first screw
top cap which was discovered nearby.
Now lets say you have a very special
someone to shop for, the type of person who isnt impressed by things like 7,000 year
old chardonnay. Someone who would be a lot happier if you got them something bigger. Like
say, a car. Obviously youre not going to buy them the car because, well, youre
cheap. Besides, cars arent much fun. You climb in, you drive somewhere, you get out.
Gee, wheres the excitement there?
Thats why you might want to look into
getting them a Taiwanese Exploding Taxi. In order to save money on gasoline,
enterprising Taiwanese cab drivers have taken to converting their cabs to run on liquefied
natural gas. Imagine their surprise when they discovered that not only do the taxis cost
about half as much to run as ordinary cabs, but they often explode when least expected.
Like before getting their tip. While finding these cabs is easy, especially after the
fact, importing them may be tricky.
And last but not least, theres one item that Im sure will be finding its way
into Christmas stockings everywhere: the Travel Washlet portable bidet.
|| Maybe the Taiwanese
cabbies should forget their dangerous gas conversion and head to India where Ramar Pillai
claims he figured out a way to run a car on 23 cents a gallon fuel he cooks up at
home out of water, leaves, lemon juice, salt, a few drops of gasoline, and a couple of
secret chemicals. While not as cheap as getting gas from Vegetable McNuggets with McMasala
Sauce, a couple gallons of this would make a great little present for the teenager of the
And speaking of houses,
why not give your spouse and/or loved one a straw house for Christmas? I know what
youre thinking: In the Three Little Pigs the straw house was the first one to go,
having been huffed and puffed and blown down by that Big Bad Wolf guy. Well, this is the
20th century. For a little while longer anyway. Now theyre making houses out of
stacked bales of straw covered with something called a slurry mixwhich is chemically
related to Slurpy mix, but without all the added sugarand then covering it up with
stucco and plaster. These houses are energy efficient, safe for the environment, and are
guaranteed to make you the laughing stock of the neighborhood.
And last but not least, theres one
item that Im sure will be finding its way into Christmas stockings everywhere: the Travel
Washlet portable bidet. Manufactured by Toto Ltd in Japan [insert your favorite
Wizard of Oz joke here], the company says the paperback novel-sized bidet helps guard
against stray bacteria in public bathrooms. Lest you think this is a joke, I dare you to
find the punch line. The battery-powered bidets sell for about $180 a crack. I mean,
So there you have it. Now youve got
absolutely no excuse why this cant be the best Christmas ever. Providing, of course,
your taxi doesnt explode near your brand new straw house while youre using
your portable bidet, melting your butter sculpture of American Gothic which you can then
use as a dipping sauce for your Vegetable McNuggets.
Quit crying, at least you still have the
Hickory Farms Beef Stick your cousin Archie gave you.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them instead of wrapping the portable bidet you got Aunt Mildred.