Thank God Christmas Only Comes Once a Year
by Mad Dog

The past year has been amazingly busy here in the Dog household. Is it possible that twelve months have really gone by since my last newsletter? I'd apologize for not writing more often, but since March I had three letters returned by the Post Office marked "Refused," one labeled "Moved—Left No Forwarding Address," and four which were corrected in red ink and graded. Not the best grades I've gotten either. By the way, if anyone knows my parents' new address, please get it to me. I promise I won't tell them who passed it on.

Speaking of grades, the new back porch is almost finished after that backhoe rammed into it while they were grading the yard for an Olympic-size in-ground swimming pool. Were their faces red when they found out they were in the wrong yard? Of course not, they were just sunburned from working outside all the time. (Ha! Ha!) The new porch should be really nice once the shipment of Plastic Wood gets here, but the best part is they left the big hole in the yard so I'll finally get to start that Manta Ray farm I've always dreamed about.

Work has been going well, though I'm still mad at Dave for using my idea for the Top Ten lists without asking me. At least no one's stolen my idea for a TV series about a single father raising a bunch of precocious children by himself. Unfortunately the fried marble revival I expected never happened, which was just as well after the rear doors of the truck I rented opened up and spilled my inventory all over the Interstate. Whoops!

Well, I should be thankful—this has definitely been a lucky year for me. I found a nice girl who I like a whole lot and would like to settle down with, but after a couple of days she cut through the ropes and found her way home. The restraining order is up soon, so I hope to start seeing her again.

The value of my car went up once I started filling it with premium gas, so soon I'll be able to sell it for a fortune and buy a hot new Lamaborg...Lambourgh...a used Yugo.  And maybe you hadn't heard, but I bought three winning lottery tickets this year! Twice I made enough to buy new tickets which lost (Boo!) and the third time I got to buy a Snickers bar (Yea!). Wait, shouldn't I have gotten change for that? (Ha Ha. Just kidding.)

My health is good, I'm not married yet, and luckily the dog still hasn't found his way home.

I've almost finished repainting the kitchen after the grease fire that started when I used the new fondue pot my brother gave me for my birthday. The firemen had a big laugh when they discovered I was using one that hadn't been manufactured in fifteen years and had been recalled twice. Speaking of my birthday, this one was a big one for me! Everyone said they had a blast at the huge party in the hotel grand ballroom. I can't believe they rented out the whole thing! I would have loved to have been there but you know how bad mail delivery can be these days. Next time send my invitation out earlier, guys!

Well, I finally got to go on that long overdue vacation. I can't wait to have grandchildren so I can tell them I was at Disneyworld the first time it was shut down by a blizzard. It may have been a short trip, but at least it was educational—Mickey Mouse is a lot bigger than he looks on TV! And talk about expanding horizons, I learned something when I went to the beach, too. Did you know the higher the SPF number the longer you can stay out in the sun?!? Ouch....now I know too!

Well, that's all I have room for right now. My New Year's resolutions are to remember to dust every third time I vacuum, eat more baby seal, and stop using those high cholesterol animal fats to wax my moustache.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Mad Dog

©2003 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while stringing pitted olives for the Christmas tree.