Not The Gift That Counts, It's...Okay, It's The Gift
by Mad Dog
Do you have
someone on your list who’s been begging for a Baby Crying-English
dictionary but you just haven’t been able to find one no matter how
much time you waste in a sex chat room trying to tear yourself away to
look on Amazon.com?
||Once again the holiday
season is upon us, the time of year when our thoughts turn to peace,
joy, goodwill towards everyone, and trying to remember where we stashed
that mistletoe belt buckle which worked so well last year. It also means
buying presents, since it turns out the unshaven red-suited poster boy
for the Fast Food Nation doesn’t really exist, so it’s up to either
you or the Keebler Elves to make sure there’s something under the tree
on Christmas morning. Just in case those elves are too busy auditioning
for Under The Rainbow-2 to help out, here are a few gift
suggestions for those difficult-to-shop-for people on your list.
Dungeon Doll Barbie
– Like a real-life angel Clarence saving George Bailey’s butt just
in the nick of time, a U.S. District Court judge has paved the way for
excited Christmas morning faces by ruling that Mattel Inc. can’t stop
an English woman from selling a Barbie dressed up in a
“Lederhosen-style Bavarian bondage dress and helmet in rubber with PVC
mask and waspie.” Of course you may have to go on eBay to find one
since she quit selling the dolls and closed her web site a year ago when
the suit was first filed. You also may need to go to a dictionary to
discover that a waspie is a type of corset. (If you don’t, you might
consider keeping that information to yourself.) Originally priced at
$186, this Barbie is a step up from last year’s gift suggestion, the
“I Left My Heart in San Francisco” Barbie which came demurely
dressed in a fur-trimmed gold satin jacket, black
skirt, gloves, hose, and a handbag, an outfit seen on the streets of San
Francisco approximately 1/100th as often as Dungeon Barbie’s. If this
is a success, look for Kinky Ken, S&M Skipper, and Mistress Midge to
arrive in stores next year.
Who on your list
wouldn’t enjoy seeing a personalized ad for them plastered on a police
car? Okay, other than Uncle Vito who doesn’t want to waste all that
money he shelled out for cosmetic surgery.
– Do you have someone on your list who’s been begging for a Baby
Crying-English dictionary but you just haven’t been able to find one
no matter how much time you waste in a sex chat room trying to tear
yourself away to look on Amazon.com? Now you can surprise them with
something even better. Well, as long as you’re in Spain. It’s Why
Cry, a calculator-size device that translates a baby’s crying into
four languages. Just kidding. Actually it translates it into an image of
a facial expression so you’ll know whether the baby is hungry, tired,
stressed, needs a diaper change, or just enjoys waking you up at 4:00 AM
because you’re the one who wouldn’t let her stay in that nice comfy
amniotic suspension chamber for another month or two. Why Cry performs
this modern miracle by measuring the volume, pattern, and interval of
the cries, very much like the recently released Bowlingual does for dog
barks, except those are translated into Japanese phrases rather than
Spanish facial expressions. If you need to buy a gift for someone with a
baby and a dog, you’re really in luck. Buy one of each so they can
talk to each other, leaving Mom and Dad more time to dress up like
life-sized Dungeon Barbie and Kinky Ken.
Duct Tape –
While it’s true nothing says divorce like giving your loved one a set
of kitchen measuring cups, metric socket wrenches, or a dryer lint
screen scraper for Christmas, this is duct tape we’re talking about,
the gift that’s endorsed by Bob Vila, Click and Clack, and now the Archives
of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine (motto: “It’s a phase;
they’ll outgrow it”). According to a report in the magazine’s
October issue, duct tape is not only good for fixing anything around the
house, but also for removing warts. It’s true. A doctor had patients
put duct tape on their warts for up to two months, after which time
they’d all been ostracized by all their friends for looking so geeky.
But they didn’t care because their warts were gone. Well, 85 percent
of the time anyway. The other 15 percent of the people had to resort to
Superglue or red hot iron rivets to get rid of theirs. This new use for
duct tape should come as no surprise since it’s been used to repair
carbon dioxide filters on Apollo 13, tape a defendant’s mouth shut in
court and, in states other than California, hold heating ducts together.
In California, you see, it’s illegal to use cloth duct tape for its
named purpose. The state is also considering outlawing the use of shoe
laces on shoes, pipe cleaners on pipes, and turkey basters for anything
other than helping create Michael Jackson’s offspring, so hurry and
stock up while you can.
Hopefully these suggestions will make your Christmas
shopping just a little easier since there’s something here for just
||Your Ad On A Police Car
–Who on your list wouldn’t enjoy
seeing a personalized ad for them plastered on a police car? Okay, other
than Uncle Vito who doesn’t want to waste all that money he shelled
out for cosmetic surgery. Now you can give this gift thanks to a company
in Charlotte, NC which realized that not every square inch of possible
advertising space had already been used, in spite of ads showing up on
the side of a Russian Proton rocket, imprinted in the sand at the beach,
and in the name of the Oregon town that became Half.com in return for a
few computers. The company, Government Acquisitions, is offering to give
police departments free cars if they can put ads on the hood, side, and
rear. The common police department motto, “To serve and protect,”
will take on entirely new meaning when there are ads for McDonald’s
and Trojan condoms staring you in the face as you’re being handed your
speeding ticket. So far 20 police departments have agreed to this, so
just think how much nicer it will be to have your loved one’s face on
a police car rather than a wanted poster in the post office.
Hopefully these suggestions will make
your Christmas shopping just a little easier since there’s something
here for just about everyone. And everything for one person if you
happen to know someone who wants to advertise their new service: duct
taping crying Bondage Barbies’ mouths closed. Happy Shopping!
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while while waiting to pay for your Duct Tape Barbie.