Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

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Looking for a *beeping* date
by Mad Dog

 

France has given us brie, fine wine, and Jacques Cousteau while we sent them McDonald’s, le fruit roll-up, and Jerry Lewis. This goes a long way towards explaining why the French dislike Americans.

     Sharing is a good thing. It must be if our parents spent the best breaths of their lives trying to drum the concept through our heads. Of course they also tried to convince us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, that if we run with a stick we’ll poke our eye out, and that we’d grow hair on our palms and go blind while looking at Playboy, yet for some reason Dad wouldn’t.

     When sharing occurs between countries it’s known as importing and exporting. The concept is simple: They send us what they make best, cheapest, or most uniquely and we’ll send them ours. Sometimes this works well. For example, we sent democracy to Germany and in return they gave us Claudia Schiffer. Not a bad swap since it made the women of America feel safer from David Copperfield.

     Other times, though, it’s rather uneven. For example, over the years France has given us brie, fine wine, and Jacques Cousteau while we sent them McDonald’s, le fruit roll-up, and Jerry Lewis. This goes a long way towards explaining why the French dislike Americans.

     Lately we’ve been bad trade partners. While other countries ship us the usual goodies all we’ve been sending back is our dirty laundry. They send us the latest fashions, we give them a story about Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress. They ship us Monets to look at, we send them pictures of Linda Tripp. Is it any wonder the rest of the world doesn’t want to play with us anymore?



Jellyfish are easier to care for than dogs—after all, you don’t have to walk a jellyfish, clean up after it on the street, wipe its slobber off your pants, or explain to your friends that it only humps the legs of those it truly likes.
     Japan, however, hangs in as one of our biggest trading partners. We started the ball rolling after World War II when we sent them as much as $1 million a day tucked inside a Hallmark Card which read, "Sorry to hear about your loss of two cities", then followed it up by giving them the transistor radio, the VCR, and the CD Player. Being good trade partners, they turned around and sold improved, miniaturized, and less expensive versions back to us.

    Still keeping that sharing spirit, we shipped them Levis, Melrose Place, and a bad remake of Godzilla. Being good friends, they sent back sushi, karoake, Cheap Trick Live at Buddokan, and Tamagocchi. Where will it end?

    Hopefully at Japan’s latest exports to us— Pokemon and Lovegety. Pokemon is a video game made by Nintendo whose title translates as "little monsters". It’s unclear whether that refers to the characters in the video game or the kids who are playing it. In Japan it was a huge success. In this country its claim to fame so far has been last year’s news reports when the popular cartoon show based on the video game caused 700 youngsters in Japan to suffer seizures. Now that’s some enticing advance publicity for you.

    How popular Pokemon will be here is hard to predict. After all, Japanese tastes run very different from ours. Recently, they’ve taken to keeping jellyfish tanks at home. While easier to care for than dogs—after all, you don’t have to walk a jellyfish, clean up after it on the street, wipe its slobber off your pants, or explain to your friends that it only humps the legs of those it truly likes—jellyfish have the added bonus of being able to be turned into dinner. In Tokyo alone last year over 359 tons of jellyfish were consumed, yet another way Japanese tastes are different than ours.



You get to choose from three mood settings: Talk, which means you’re open for a chat, Karaoke which means you want to sing "You Light Up My Life" badly, and Get2 which means you’re ready for action.
     But now comes the latest Japanese import, the Lovegety. This is a small pager-like device which supposedly helps you find an appropriate mate. That’s right, it beeps when it detects someone as desperate as you are.

    Just kidding. Kind of. The Lovegety comes in two versions, one for men and one for women. You can tell the difference because the women’s is pink and has a higher pitched beep while the men’s is blue and shocks you if you even consider asking for directions.

    When you go out, you set your Lovegety according to your mood and when it gets within 15 feet of someone of the opposite sex carrying a unit that’s set to the same mood it dispenses a condom. Kidding again. That version won’t be out for at least another 6 months.

    You get to choose from three mood settings: Talk, which means you’re open for a chat, Karaoke which means you want to sing "You Light Up My Life" badly, and Get2 which means you’re ready for action. Actually, Karaoke is what they call the second level but it actually means you’re looking for a date. This obviously lost something in the translation. At least until you realize that anyone who sings karaoke really, truly, and desperately needs to find a date.

    It’s hard to tell how well the Lovegety will go over here in the United States. After all, we already have our own ways of giving signals to the opposite sex, even if they are more subtle. A smile means you’re open for conversation. Pulling your wedding ring off and slipping it in your pocket means you’re looking for a date. And if we follow the lead of President Clinton, dropping your pants means you’re ready for action. Export that, buddy.   

1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while you're waiting for your Lovegety to go off.

 

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