‘Tis better to give, especially if you’re giving these

by Mad Dog

    Since you have your hands full with parties, your mouth full of microwaved cheese puffs, and your head full of cotton from the egg nog the neighbors gave you that was spiked with No. 2 jet fuel, I’ll try to make your life a little easier. Don’t buy me anything. Send money. But since not everyone on your Christmas list will be that easy to shop for, I’ve put together a few gift suggestions, each one perfect for the person who wishes they had everything.

    - A SENATE SEAT. Yes, for a measly $60 million you can buy your loved one a vacant seat in Congress just like New Jersey Democrat Jon Corzine did. And at only $37.15 per vote he got quite a bargain. Sure you could buy 46 million Pez dispensers, 2 million One-Touch Car Finish Kits (as seen on TV!), or 60 winners from “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” with that money, but none of those let you say phrases like “the esteemed gentleman from North Carolina”, “I had a foreign affair when I went to Europe during my senior year in high school”, and “Can I borrow your minority whip for the Jewish Defense League’s S&M ball tonight?” with a straight face. Remember: the smaller the state the fewer the voters, hence the cheaper the seat, so hurry before all the good deals are taken! (This offer void in Wyoming because it’s just not right to be able to buy a seat in Congress for $520.10.)

    - A FULL-SIZE REPRODUCTION OF THE TITANIC. If you don’t have room for this in your backyard—and you should be damned embarrassed if you don’t—you may still be able to surprise a loved one with this thoughtful gift. At least you will if the group which has proposed building an exact reproduction of the Titanic as a floating 568-room hotel on San Francisco’s waterfront gets their way. And why not? Who wouldn’t sleep well knowing they’re on a duplicate of a ship which sunk, taking over 1,500 people with it and—wouldn’t you know it?— Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet weren’t among them? If this is successful it will be joined by a Hindenburg balloon ride, a Chernobyl glow-in-the-dark funhouse, and the Hurricane Hugo Tilt-a-Whirl. So if the Titanic itself is too rich for your blood, just wait. DisasterLand USA will be open soon!

    - THE HANDY TRUSTER. This is a newly-released, and strangely named, hand-held lie detector from South Korea which its developers claim is 82 percent reliable. Since it indicated they were telling the truth when they said that, it means there’s an 82 percent chance that it’s 82 percent reliable. In other words, it could only be 67.24 percent reliable. Buy it now before they dig themselves into a deeper hole, like swearing they’re sincere about normalizing relations with North Korea.

    - THE MIR SPACE SHUTTLE. After 14 years and 1,400 near fatal accidents (motto: “Still safer than the English railway system”), they’re going to let the Mir crash into the Pacific Ocean. If you want it you’re going to have to act quick since the end is scheduled for February. Unlike a couple of years ago when Russian cosmonauts appeared on QVC to auction off three space suits just like the ones they wore when they almost died aboard the shuttle, this time they’re tossing the Mir away like a used politician after the Russian mafia is done with him. It would make a great playhouse for the kids, a wonderful camper which will be the envy of the 3 million other people camping at Yosemite with you, or a great bargaining point during your next divorce negotiation (“I’ll take the house and car, you get the Mir.”). There’s only one, so hurry!

    - A TRIP TO CHINA so you can have coffee at the Starbucks in Beijing’s historic Forbidden City, which was once the exclusive home of China’s emperors. Imagine sitting back and relaxing with a Lao-tzu Latte™, an icy cold Forbidden Frappaccino™, or a sandwich with plenty of Mao. And while you’re in China you’ll be able to take in a showing of “Life and Death Choice”, the movie that was a centerpiece of the Communist Party’s anti-corruption drive but somehow ended up being pirated all over the country. You can buy illegal copies in most state-run movie theaters. Nothing, it turns out, is forbidden in China these days except human rights.

    - A CAB DRIVER’S BRAIN. While not usually at the top of most people’s wish list, this would still put a smile on anyone’s face Christmas morning, especially if they have a bad sense of direction and had trouble finding the living room. A study at University College of London University (motto: “Did we mention we’re a university?”) found that London cabbies have a larger rear portion of the hippocampus than the average person. (This, incidentally, makes for a great taunt when you’re in London: “Your father has a big rear hippocampus!” But do be careful, many cab drivers are also football hooligans and Guinness fans, two things that oddly go hand in hand.) It turns out the rear of the hippocampus, the part of the brain associated with spatial relations, gets bigger when you use your navigation skills. Unfortunately this happens at the expense of the front, but that’s okay since scientists have no clue what it’s for. Your happy gift recipient won’t know either, but that’s fine since they’ll be so busy singing along with the 1,456,976th bad rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” that they won’t even notice.
    

©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting for the Mir to arrive.