Sexual signposts up ahead
by Mad Dog
Basically a man works under
the assumption that as long as a woman isn’t snoring she wants to
have sex with him. This just isn’t true. I’ve had any number of
women snore during sex.
question that people give off signals about sex. If you pay close
attention you can tell if another person is open to the possibility
of sex, dying to have sex, not interested in sex, or a nun. Granted
the last of these is generally easier to pick up on than the others,
but don’t be so sure. Many nuns don’t wear habits anymore which
makes it difficult to tell if the support hose, sensible shoes, and
ruler in her hand are for religious, medical, or S&M reasons.
Come to think of it, no matter how you look at it they’re not good
The key phrase here
is “if you pay close attention.” Most people, unfortunately,
don’t have a clue about these signs, especially men. We show the
same insight and understanding we did during high school when
quizzed about Dickens. In fact, to this day we still think of the
Playboy Advisor as “Great Expectations.” And yes, we consider
movies like “Saving Ryan’s Privates” to be a sex education
film, but what’s wrong with that? Are you saying when a woman
answers the door and says “Thanks for the pizza” she doesn’t
really mean “Do me now, big boy”?
Basically a man works
under the assumption that as long as a woman isn’t snoring she
wants to have sex with him. This just isn’t true. I’ve had any
number of women snore during sex. Women, on the other hand, have
their own misconceptions about sex. For one, they think that any guy
who buys them a drink, talks to their chest, and casually asks
whether they prefer ribbed or unribbed condoms is only after sex.
This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Men are just naturally
inquisitive. Why do you think we ask questions like “What’s your
sign?”, “Are you wearing thongs or briefs?”, and “Names
shmames, do you want to go to my place or yours?” And women say we
don’t show any interest in them.
what most guys think, hands clasped demurely on the lap, arms folded
over the chest, and a hand raised in the air signaling the waiter
that they want the check aren’t all signs that it’s time to pull
out your cell phone, call your mother, and say, “Guess what? It
looks like I’m not going to be a virgin much longer!”
This really shouldn’t be so difficult. After all, Animals don’t
have this problem. All you have to do is watch the Discovery Channel
for a few minutes and you’ll see mating rituals galore. Birds puff
up their chests, lizards do funny dances, and that Crocodile Hunter
guy shows off his latest catch, all in the hopes that females will
think they’re macho studs. My only fear is that these might be
staged for TV, which would make them nothing more than porn movies
for the animal world, warping our sensibilities and giving us false
hope. It would sure be a drag to find out I’ve been killing myself
using that Pec-master™, dancing like a fool, and showing women
that spider I caught and it was all for naught.
The truth is, in most
animals the signs of wanting sex is unmistakable. Take the Indian
Elephant. When the male is in musth, which is a Hindi word
that roughly translates as “typical for a male”, they excrete a
thick fluid from glands on the sides of their heads, dribble urine,
and have only one thing on their mind: mating. This period lasts for
one to three months, after which they cancel their subscription to
Hustler, the Spice Channel, and BigTusks.com. Now compare this to
human males who excrete thick dense words from their brain, dribble
saliva from their mouth, and have only one thing on their mind: sex
without mating. See how similar we are to the animals? Okay, except
we’re like this all the time.
Obviously it’s easy
for women to know what men are thinking since it’s a constant, but
how are we men supposed to know if a woman is interested in us or
not? That’s where body language comes in handy. This is the art of
watching someone closely and interpreting their feelings based on
how they look, sit, and whether they come back from the bathroom.
For example, contrary to what most guys think, hands clasped
demurely on the lap, arms folded over the chest, and a hand raised
in the air signaling the waiter that they want the check aren’t
all signs that it’s time to pull out your cell phone, call your
mother, and say, “Guess what? It looks like I’m not going to be
a virgin much longer!” even if it is the truth.
Most lesbians have an index finger that’s shorter than
their ring finger. By and large they reacted to this news by showing
researchers the length of their middle finger, which interestingly
is the same length whether you’re gay or not.
That’s why people are trying to harness technology to help.
A few years ago the Lovegety swept through Japan. This was a small
pager-like device which would beep when someone of the opposite sex
who was as desperate as you—I mean, who also had a Lovegety—got
within fifteen feet. Now a company in Toronto has released the
Gaydar, which is pretty much the same thing except they’re
marketing it to gay men and women to help them locate each other.
This will prove handy for people who are new to the scene, who
don’t know the best places to go to find like people, or for those
times when Jerry Falwell isn’t around to point them out. Or out
at the University of California at Berkeley think they’ve found a
more natural detection method than Gaydar. They discovered that most
lesbians have an index finger that’s shorter than their ring
finger. While you’d think this would be welcomed by lesbians since
it’s cheaper than buying Gaydar, by and large they reacted by
showing researchers the length of their middle finger, which
interestingly is the same length whether you’re gay or not.
In spite of these
advances in science and technology we still need some reliable and
easy-to-interpret sexual signals. Try to remember these: A smile
generally means someone’s open for conversation. A white band
around the left ring finger where a wedding ring usually resides
means they’re open for a date. And if they’re wearing support
hose, sensible shoes, or a ruler, run. Especially if they’re an
Indian Elephant in musth.
Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting for your date to come back from the bathroom.