Holiday Gift Guide
by Mad Dog
You really wanted to give your loved one peace on earth and
goodwill towards men this year but, wouldn’t you know it, Neiman
Marcus went and featured a trip into space for six — at a cost of only
$1.7 million — in their Christmas catalog instead. Go figure.
||The wreath is hung, the
lights are up and blinding the neighbors, and you’re hoarse from
trying to convince your mother that she’s supposed to give you
Hanukkah gelt, not guilt. Wouldn’t it be nice to relax in front
of the fire with the kids and read “Mommy, Where Does Kwanzaa Come
From” to them? Of course it would, but unfortunately you still have
gifts to buy. Lots of them. Okay, all of them. This in spite of last
year’s resolution not to wait until the last minute so you wouldn’t
end up giving everyone yet another Old Spice gift set because that’s
all the drug store has left at 10:45 on Christmas Eve. Not to worry,
I’m here to help. Just pull out a sheet of paper, sharpen your pencil,
and chug some eggnog — okay, take another hit — it’s time to put
together your holiday gift list.
Picture Perfect -
You really wanted to give your loved one peace on earth and goodwill
towards men this year but, wouldn’t you know it, Neiman Marcus went
and featured a trip into space for six — at a cost of only $1.7
million — in their Christmas catalog instead. Go figure. Give them the
next best thing, something everyone other than Kate Moss would love —
a digital camera that makes people look thinner. That’s right. You
simply take a photo with certain HP Photosmart cameras, apply the
"Slimming Artistic Effect," and — voila! — everyone looks
as digitally retouched as Katie Couric. Buy one as a gift and keep one
for yourself. That way you can eat all the carbs you want, toss those
diet pills into the trash, and say goodbye to wearing vertical stripes
all the time.
Check out Demeter Fragrance Company’s line of scents that
includes dirt, earthworm, sawdust, glue, and even funeral home.
Honestly. Now if someone would only come out with Magic Marker cologne
and Sweaty Armpits aftershave Christmas shopping would be a snap. At
least for the 8-year-old boys on your list.
||Eau What a Wonderful
Gift - Do you want to give someone a bottle of nice perfume or
cologne but can’t stomach the idea of them smelling like Beyoncé,
Britney, or Danny DeVito? Forget those cheesy perfumes and try the real
thing — Eau de Stilton, a scent created for Britain's Stilton Cheese
Makers Association. They say it features “a symphony of natural base
notes including Yarrow, Angelica seed, Clary Sage and Valerian."
With whiffs of stale milk, mold, and a top note of Carr's Sesame Water
Crackers, of course. Or bring out someone’s inner child by giving them
a bottle of Eau de Play-Doh, a scent Hasbro put out in honor of the
modeling clay’s 50th anniversary. Still not right? Check out Demeter
Fragrance Company’s line of scents that includes dirt, earthworm,
sawdust, glue, and even funeral home. Honestly. Now if someone would
only come out with Magic Marker cologne and Sweaty Armpits aftershave
Christmas shopping would be a snap. At least for the 8-year-old boys on
Putting the Fan in Fanatic - If you’re
like me — and for your
loved ones’ sakes I can only hope you’re not — you don’t know
what to get the sports fan on your list. After all, they already have
the customized La-Z-Boy recliner with built-in refrigerator, a universal
remote that even dials Domino’s, a satellite dish that gets 72
channels of sports including the Golf Channel, ESPN, and the Bangalore
Cricket Club Channel, and a catheter with a direct line to the sewer.
What to do? Give them something they’ll get years and years of use out
of — an official Major League Baseball casket. Available from Eternal
Image, it comes in team colors, features their insignia, and includes a
message that reads: “Major League Baseball officially recognizes
[person's name] as a lifelong fan of [team]." So far you can only
get caskets and funeral urns for Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers, Phillies,
Cubs, and Dodgers fans, but the company plans on getting to other teams
soon, then moving on to the NFL, the NHL, and NASCAR. Call me when they
sign up the World Chess Federation.
all that. Be practical. Give them something they can really use — a
notebook made from Panda poop.
– And finally, what do you get for the person who has everything?
Don’t bother, by definition they already have it all. But if there
happens to be someone on your list who has almost everything then
you’re in luck. You could give them a clone of their cat, but unless
you ordered it early you’re up that proverbial creek because the
California-based Genetic Savings & Clone closed recently after
duplicating just two kitties. You could hire someone to make the
pilgrimage to Fatima in Portugal and save your recipient the trouble
but, face it, Rent-a-Pilgrim sounds more like a Thanksgiving gift than
one for Christmas or Hanukkah. Or you could consider getting them a
kidney which you can legally buy from people selling theirs on the
street in Iran, but that’s tough because you need to know your
recipient’s blood type. And get to Iran. Forget all that. Be
practical. Give them something they can really use — a notebook made
from Panda poop. That’s right, the Chiang Mai, Thailand, zoo figured
out what to do with the 55 pounds of dung their two pandas crank out
every day. Rather than throw it in the compost pile they’re turning it
into paper that they then transform into notebooks, fans, bookmarks, and
key chains. Yes, paper key chains. Go figure. Remember, Poopy Panda
Paper™, it’s more useful than coal and conveys the same message.
There you have it. And now that you
have something for everyone on your list you can sit back, mull over
having another glass of mulled wine, make bets on how high the cat will
get in the tree before it falls over again, and relax until 10:45 pm on
Christmas Eve when it’s time to go pick up the Old Spice gift sets.
Remember, no one ever has too much aftershave. Happy Holidays!
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them
while waiting for 10:45 pm Christmas Eve to roll around.