There's more Doing It Holiday Style here!
||Holiday Gift Suggestions for the New Millennium
by Mad Dog
If youre like me and havent
even thought about making a list, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure
that you dont end up on "Americas Best Holiday Massacres Caught on
|| If youre like me, and I sincerely offer my sympathies if you are, you
once again vowed not to wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping. But of
course, you will.
The key phrase here is "last minute
shopping", which has different meanings to different people. To some, it means
jumping in the car an hour before the stores close on Christmas Eve so you can snap up the
last remaining Al Gore action figure, bottle of Mr. Ed cologne, and Austin Powers Chest
Hair Chia Pet, somehow convincing yourself that theyre the perfect gifts for Mom,
Dad, and your younger brother. To others, last minute shopping means getting started in
September when you swore youd be finished by the Fourth of July.
If that describes you I say, "Get a life." But if
youre like me and havent even thought about making a list, better yet gotten
around to checking it twice, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure that
you and your family dont end up on the Fox Networks Christmas special,
"Americas Best Holiday Massacres Caught on Tape."
Suppose theres someone on your list
who really wants to space out but doesnt do drugs. It's easybuy them a
suborbital space flight.
||Pot luck This doesnt
mean going into Wal-Mart, closing your eyes, and grabbing things at random, though
its true closing your eyes is a good thing to do in Wal-Mart, especially when you
have to dodge the gantlet of greeters when entering the store. No, this years first
Holiday Gift Suggestion for the New Millennium is marijuana. And why not? Its
on sale and, face it, we all like to think of ourselves as smart shoppers. You cant
pick it up at Wal-Mart, but according to an ad in the San Francisco Bay Guardian you can
get it at The Patients & Caregivers Health Center of San Francisco, CA. Theyre
having their Holiday Harvest Sale!the exclamation point is theirswhich means
you can buy a "Humbolt Ounce Special [of] Quality Cannabis For The Connoisseur."
Low on cash? Not to worry, they accept all Cannabis Club Cards ("At Patients &
Caregivers Health Center they dont accept VISA or American Express, but they do
accept Cannabis Club"). The ad says theyre only open from 4:00-7:00pm Monday
through Friday, so schedule your shopping trip early and remember its BYOM (Bring
Your Own Munchies).
Spacing Out Suppose theres someone on your list
who really wants to space out but doesnt do drugs. Whats a harried shopper to
do? Its easybuy them a suborbital space flight. There are several companies
actively signing people up do this. Imagine your loved one spending a fun-filled week
being subjected to face-stretching G-forces, learning to go to the bathroom in zero
gravity simulators, and practicing saying "A-OK, Houston. Roger Wilco. Thats a
big 10-4 good buddy." Then theyll get strapped into a rocket, blasted up to 62
miles, be weightless for a whopping 2˝ minutes, and fall back to Earth. All for a measly
$98,000 from Zegrahm Expeditions of Seattle. If that seems a little pricey, consider the
$90,000 version from Space Adventures of Alexandria, Virginia (barf bag and a photo of you
using it extra). The first flights are expected to take off in 2002, so hurry up and order
What do you get for someone who has everything except, hopefully, a flyswatter? You might
consider a flying robot thats the size and shape of a housefly.
||The Beetles No, this
isnt a reunion of Paul, George, and Ringo with John channeled through Posh Spice.
These are real, live beetles were talking about here. You know, the ones people in
Japan keep as pets because Tokyo rents are high, living space is at a premium, and their
brains are addled from having too many fantasies about Sailor Moon. But beetles really do
make nice, low-maintenance pets. After all, you dont have to walk them, they
dont need a smelly litter box, and they dont hump your boss leg while at
the dinner table. For most people on your list, a standard beetle will do fine. They cost
about $4.50 in Japan and can be bought in pet shops, department stores, and even vending
machines. (Note to self: When in Tokyo triple check every snack machine before making my
selection.) But what if you have someone on your list who deserves more than a cheap bug
for Christmas? Get them a pricier one! You know, something like the 3-inch stag beetle a
Japanese businessman recently bought for $90,000. Personally, for that kind of money
Id just as soon puke my guts out in space.
Robofly What do you get
for someone who has everything except, hopefully, a flyswatter? You might consider a
flying robot thats the size and shape of a housefly. These are actually being
created by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, a school which is
dangerously close to San Francisco andyou guessed itthe Patients &
Caregivers Health Center Cannabis Sale. Thanks to a $2.5 million government grant, these
scientists are trying to create a 43-milligram sun-powered robot because, well,
theyre not real sure, but they figure if they actually manage to get it to work
theyll figure something out. Not to be outdone, the Navys bankrolling the
development of robolobster at Northeastern University and robopike at MIT. This
just shows how misguided the military is. If they had any brains at all theyd
abandon these dumb ideas and concentrate on making robobeetle. It would be a hit in Japan
and would help the imbalance of trade caused by Honda, Sony, and Pokémon.
Hopefully these suggestions will help make your Christmas
shopping a little easier this year, giving you more time to relax, enjoy the season, and
be prepared when "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" asks the contestant to name all
of Santas reindeer. (Hints to people like George W. Bush: Think Michael Johnson,
Mikhail Baryshnikov, Richard Simmons, Jennifer Lopez, a household cleaner, Eros,
cannibalistic pioneers, and a football defense.)
Dont say I never gave you anything.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while putting off your Christmas shopping.