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There's more Doing It Holiday Style here!
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Holiday Gift Suggestions for the New Millennium™
by Mad Dog
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If you’re like me and haven’t
even thought about making a list, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure
that you don’t end up on "America’s Best Holiday Massacres Caught on
Tape." |
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If you’re like me, and I sincerely offer my sympathies if you are, you
once again vowed not to wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping. But of
course, you will. The key phrase here is "last minute
shopping", which has different meanings to different people. To some, it means
jumping in the car an hour before the stores close on Christmas Eve so you can snap up the
last remaining Al Gore action figure, bottle of Mr. Ed cologne, and Austin Powers Chest
Hair Chia Pet, somehow convincing yourself that they’re the perfect gifts for Mom,
Dad, and your younger brother. To others, last minute shopping means getting started in
September when you swore you’d be finished by the Fourth of July.
If that describes you I say, "Get a life." But if
you’re like me and haven’t even thought about making a list, better yet gotten
around to checking it twice, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure that
you and your family don’t end up on the Fox Network’s Christmas special,
"America’s Best Holiday Massacres Caught on Tape."
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Suppose there’s someone on your list
who really wants to space out but doesn’t do drugs. It's easy—buy them a
suborbital space flight. |
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Pot luck – This doesn’t
mean going into Wal-Mart, closing your eyes, and grabbing things at random, though
it’s true closing your eyes is a good thing to do in Wal-Mart, especially when you
have to dodge the gantlet of greeters when entering the store. No, this year’s first
Holiday Gift Suggestion for the New Millennium™ is marijuana. And why not? It’s
on sale and, face it, we all like to think of ourselves as smart shoppers. You can’t
pick it up at Wal-Mart, but according to an ad in the San Francisco Bay Guardian you can
get it at The Patients & Caregivers Health Center of San Francisco, CA. They’re
having their Holiday Harvest Sale!—the exclamation point is theirs—which means
you can buy a "Humbolt Ounce Special [of] Quality Cannabis For The Connoisseur."
Low on cash? Not to worry, they accept all Cannabis Club Cards ("At Patients &
Caregivers Health Center they don’t accept VISA or American Express, but they do
accept Cannabis Club"). The ad says they’re only open from 4:00-7:00pm Monday
through Friday, so schedule your shopping trip early and remember it’s BYOM (Bring
Your Own Munchies). Spacing Out – Suppose there’s someone on your list
who really wants to space out but doesn’t do drugs. What’s a harried shopper to
do? It’s easy—buy them a suborbital space flight. There are several companies
actively signing people up do this. Imagine your loved one spending a fun-filled week
being subjected to face-stretching G-forces, learning to go to the bathroom in zero
gravity simulators, and practicing saying "A-OK, Houston. Roger Wilco. That’s a
big 10-4 good buddy." Then they’ll get strapped into a rocket, blasted up to 62
miles, be weightless for a whopping 2˝ minutes, and fall back to Earth. All for a measly
$98,000 from Zegrahm Expeditions of Seattle. If that seems a little pricey, consider the
$90,000 version from Space Adventures of Alexandria, Virginia (barf bag and a photo of you
using it extra). The first flights are expected to take off in 2002, so hurry up and order
today!
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What do you get for someone who has everything except, hopefully, a flyswatter? You might
consider a flying robot that’s the size and shape of a housefly. |
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The Beetles – No, this
isn’t a reunion of Paul, George, and Ringo with John channeled through Posh Spice.
These are real, live beetles we’re talking about here. You know, the ones people in
Japan keep as pets because Tokyo rents are high, living space is at a premium, and their
brains are addled from having too many fantasies about Sailor Moon. But beetles really do
make nice, low-maintenance pets. After all, you don’t have to walk them, they
don’t need a smelly litter box, and they don’t hump your boss’ leg while at
the dinner table. For most people on your list, a standard beetle will do fine. They cost
about $4.50 in Japan and can be bought in pet shops, department stores, and even vending
machines. (Note to self: When in Tokyo triple check every snack machine before making my
selection.) But what if you have someone on your list who deserves more than a cheap bug
for Christmas? Get them a pricier one! You know, something like the 3-inch stag beetle a
Japanese businessman recently bought for $90,000. Personally, for that kind of money
I’d just as soon puke my guts out in space. Robofly – What do you get
for someone who has everything except, hopefully, a flyswatter? You might consider a
flying robot that’s the size and shape of a housefly. These are actually being
created by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, a school which is
dangerously close to San Francisco and—you guessed it—the Patients &
Caregivers Health Center Cannabis Sale. Thanks to a $2.5 million government grant, these
scientists are trying to create a 43-milligram sun-powered robot because, well,
they’re not real sure, but they figure if they actually manage to get it to work
they’ll figure something out. Not to be outdone, the Navy’s bankrolling the
development of robolobster at Northeastern University and robopike at MIT. This
just shows how misguided the military is. If they had any brains at all they’d
abandon these dumb ideas and concentrate on making robobeetle. It would be a hit in Japan
and would help the imbalance of trade caused by Honda, Sony, and Pokémon.
Hopefully these suggestions will help make your Christmas
shopping a little easier this year, giving you more time to relax, enjoy the season, and
be prepared when "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" asks the contestant to name all
of Santa’s reindeer. (Hints to people like George W. Bush: Think Michael Johnson,
Mikhail Baryshnikov, Richard Simmons, Jennifer Lopez, a household cleaner, Eros,
cannibalistic pioneers, and a football defense.)
Don’t say I never gave you anything.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while putting off your Christmas shopping.
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