Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

Be sure to visit the Doggy Style Archives!

 

 

Hitting the Big Five-Oh-Oh
by Mad Dog


Stephen King can churn out a book faster than I can fall back asleep thinking about how I really should consider turning the computer on. Sad, isnít it?
This is my 500th column. Thatís a lot of words, about 450,000 of them to be exact. Okay, thatís not exact, but itís as exact as it needs to be considering I used the word ďaboutĒ as a qualifier. While itís true many of the words are repeated ó hey, you didnít really think I used 450,000 different words, did you? ó I still had to type each one of them. And put them in order. That is, after all, what writing is about. After all, I didnít invent many of the words ó at least none that became a popular catch phrase, ended up as the state motto on a license plate, or were included in the latest edition of the dictionary ó so it really comes down to choosing the words and putting them in whatís hopefully a new order. I feel I did a good job, not so much because I think any of it was so wonderful, but because I never heard from a lawyer threatening a plagiarism or copyright lawsuit. Trust me, nothing says a job well done like the lack of a subpoena.

   It actually feels more impressive to talk about 500 columns than 450,000 words. After all, Stephen Kingís The Stand, any speech by Bill Clinton, and the Oxford English Dictionary are longer than that and none of them took 10 years to be written. Truth be told, Stephen King can churn out a book faster than I can fall back asleep thinking about how I really should consider turning the computer on. Sad, isnít it?


Five hundred is a nice round milestone number, though personally I prefer the binary 111110100 since it looks even more impressive.
   Even the Bible is longer, clocking in at 783,137 words. While this is about 75% more words than Iíve packed into my columns, all I can say is big deal. I mean, if an Intelligent Designer can create such complex things as the universe, the platypus, chocolate covered pretzels stuffed with peanut butter, and women, how impressive is it that he/she/it also wrote a long book? I mean, really, itís not as if I.D. has to work full time to put food on the table. You want food ó poof! ó youíve got it. Baby needs new shoes ó voila! ó hereís a pair of black Dolce & Gabbana pumps in size 7B. You want another sequel to American Pie ó poof! ó direct to DVD. Hey, no one can win them all.

   Letís not forget too that I cranked out 450,000 words without putting ďestĒ and ďethĒ at the end of every third word so you can actually read my columns aloud without sounding like youíre lisping. I can also document the absurd and unbelievable stories I relate. Waters parting? Bushes that werenít the president spontaneously combusting? People turning into salt licks? Prove it! I also donít waste a lot of the time that I could be using to educate, inform, and entertain by telling you not to do this, that and the 6,468 other commandments that are in the Bible and roundly ignored by everyone, most of all pompous zealots. Nor do I tell you that youíre going to hell if you donít listen to me. Heck, I figure you already know that.


W
hy it is that 4 million people read Readerís Digest every month while my mother canít even remember to check out my column when I remind her every week? Hey, that was rhetorical. 
   Five hundred is a nice round milestone number, though personally I prefer the binary 111110100 since it looks even more impressive. Itís an important part of the Fortune 500 list of the countryís largest corporations not in bankruptcy or under indictment, the Indianapolis 500, the S&P 500, and of course itís the magic goal of home run hitters everywhere. Iím talking about the number of home runs hit in a career, not the optimum milligrams of steroids to be taken daily to attain that goal. Peter Paul and Mary liked the number, having had a hit when they sang about 500 miles. So did The Proclaimers. And itís the distance in miles between Chicago and Pittsburgh, though that doesnít mean thereís a good reason to drive it. At least not in that direction.

   My shot of 500 pride was crushed recently when I learned that Readerís Digest (motto: ďAll the news, only less of itĒ) had published its 1000th issue. Now thatís an impressive number. Luckily the feelings of inadequacy didnít last long once I realized it took them 83 years to reach that milestone while I wrote my 500 columns in only 10 years. Personally, I think thatís much more impressive. Then again if I donít think that who will? I do have to wonder, though, why it is that 4 million people read Readerís Digest every month while my mother canít even remember to check out my column when I remind her every week. Hey, that was rhetorical. Letís move on, why donít we.

   Itís time to stop patting myself on the back and get started on writing the next 500. It shouldnít be difficult. After all, there are 616,500 words in the Oxford English Dictionary, of which about 200,000 are in common use. They say an educated person only has a vocabulary of 20,000 of these. The way I figure it, that leaves me a lot of different orders in which to put the words. And after all, isnít that what itís all about?

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them. All 500 of them.

(ALMOST) INSTANT NOTIFICATION
Enter your email address below to be notified whenever a new column is added to the Mad Dog Weekly!



Powered by FeedBlitz


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

[Home] [Doggy Style Archives] [Blog]  [Novel] [Playground] [Plot-o-matic] [Porn-o-matic] [On The Road]
[Grand Highly Illuminated Xmas] [Who the hell is Mad Dog?] [Work Stuff]
[FREE Newsletter]  [ ] [Linkage] [Search]

©1998 - 2013 Mad Dog Productions
All Rights reserved