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Wake Me Up When The Nap Shop Closes
by Mad Dog


The problem is you canít always take a power nap. For one, I try not to do it in front of people I donít know lest they call Narcoleptics Anonymous. Or steal my wallet. 
Many things make me tired. For starters, waking up makes me tired. So does work, playing hard, and eating too much. Come to think of it, thereís a long list of things that make me tired, including chocolate, pretending to listen to boors who think theyíre the only ones in the world who deserve to speak, 3:00 PM, and shopping. Shopping makes me very tired, though thatís only one of about 1,278 reasons I donít enjoy it. Other notable reasons are that itís frustrating, expensive, I canít find what I want where I want it when I want it, and of course there are all those icky inconsiderate people who seem to think they should be allowed to shop at the same time.

   With so many things making me tired, itís not surprising I take naps. Not long, time wasting, ďwhat am I still in kindergarten?Ē naps, but power naps. I take them at a momentís notice. I get tired, my eyes start to close, I put my head down or just let my chin fall to my chest, and I sleep for a couple of minutes. I wake up refreshed and ready to get back to the task at hand. By being short it doesnít leave me disoriented and wondering what day it is when I wake up. Neither does it cause bed lines on my face or leave dried drool on my chin so people ask if Iíve had a slug crawling on my face recently. Iím telling you, itís a wonderful thing.

   The problem is you canít always take a power nap. For one, I try not to do it in front of people I donít know lest they call Narcoleptics Anonymous. Or steal my wallet. I also donít do it in the car unless I pull over and park. Maybe itís me, but why waste all those potentially refreshing power naps-to-be just because I didnít want to wait to find a parking lot?


For 70 cents a minute MinneNAPolis will let you lay down in the Asian Mist, Tropical Isle, or Deep Space room and sleep while listening to soothing sounds like rainfall, birds chirping, and NASA calling off yet another shuttle launch.
   Usually the biggest problem is being someplace where thereís no spot to nap. For years Iíve thought it would be a great idea to have a restaurant in which the bench seats slid out, a curtain could be drawn, and you could take a nap after having gorged yourself like a tick. You could sleep for a bit, then wake up and have dessert. Sure it would cut down on the restaurantís table turns, but all theyíd have to do is mount a taxi meter on the side of the table so the waiter could put the flag down when you went to sleep and add a per-minute charge to your check. Hey, think about how much more coffee and dessert theyíd sell when people woke up and didnít still feel as if theyíd eaten two pillows.

   Another time itís difficult to take a power nap is, yes, when youíre shopping. Itís hard enough finding a bathroom, better yet a bed, cot, sleeping bag, or recliner without preternatural Cheez Doodle stains all over the arms. Heck, Iíd take one with the stains if it meant I could catch a snooze. Thatís why itís good to hear that a nap store is opening in the Mall of America. Thatís right, a nap store.

   You know the Mall of America, itís the 4.2 million square-foot shopping center in Bloomington, MN that has 520 stores. Not to mention an indoor theme park with two roller coasters and a Ferris wheel, aquarium, church, wedding chapel, bowling alleys, and a campus of National American University where you can receive a PhD in bargain hunting. Just kidding about the PhD. Actually you can only get your masters. Now you can add MinneNAPolis, the countryís first nap store, to the list of reasons to spend your next vacation with the over 100,000 people who shop there each day. As if you needed another excuse.


T
hat same $8.50 will only buy you 12 minutes in the nap shop, though on the plus side your shoes wonít stick to the floor and there wonít be anyone behind you the entire time trying to take the noisy impenetrable plastic wrapper off a 3-pound box of Raisinettes. Hopefully.
   For 70 cents a minute MinneNAPolis will let you lay down in the Asian Mist, Tropical Isle, or Deep Space room and sleep while listening to soothing sounds like rainfall, birds chirping, and NASA calling off yet another shuttle launch. While itís not a bad deal if youíre a power napper like I am, itís not so hot if you like to really conk out. At $42 an hour youíd be better off going into one of the mallís 14 movie theaters where for $8.50 you can spend two hours sleeping through yet another bad remake of an old TV show and still have enough left over to enjoy sushi at the aquariumís cafe. Meanwhile, that same $8.50 will only buy you 12 minutes in the nap shop, though on the plus side your shoes wonít stick to the floor and there wonít be anyone behind you the entire time trying to take the noisy impenetrable plastic wrapper off a 3-pound box of Raisinettes. Hopefully.

   Being able to take a nap while shopping could catch on, especially if womenís clothing stores offered to validate nap tickets for waiting husbands. On the other hand, the backseat of a car would be just as comfortable and the price is right. Of course when you remember that people pay more per gallon for bottled water than they do for gas, and you can get water really cheap out of the tap, maybe thereís something to that old saying about being able to sell naps to the narcoleptic. Just wake me when itís over.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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