For The Perfect Combination
by Mad Dog
Now you can take a
P.B. Slice, slap it on the new IronKids Crustless bread, grab a
Welch’s Disposable Jelly Wipe and— voila!—you have the
perfect sandwich. No messy knives to clean, no waiting 30 seconds for a
frozen PB&J to defrost in the microwave, no taste.
||Some things just belong
together, like popcorn and a movie, T-shirts and jeans, and J-Lo and
Puff Daddy. I mean, Cris Judd. I mean, Ojani Noa. I mean, Ben Affleck.
Okay, make that peanut butter and jelly. Sure, you can argue about
whether the peanut butter should be smooth or chunky, the jelly grape or
strawberry, and the bread white or rye, but the fact that peanut butter
and jelly work so well together leads me to believe Mr. Peanut should
replace the Buddhist yin-yang sign on bad tattoos everywhere. So how
could a combination as perfect as PB&J be improved upon? P.B.
P.B. Slices are individually wrapped
one-ounce slices of peanut butter, a product NASA wishes it had invented
for the space program but it was too busy coming up with useless things
like bar codes, smoke detectors, mattress foam that conforms to your
body, and Tang. P.B. Slices are wrapped in cellophane, much like bad
American cheese only they taste better on a sandwich with grape jam.
Hopefully. I say this without having tried them, which shows how little
faith I have in our education system, since a team at the Oklahoma State
University Food and Agricultural Products Research and Technology Center
(motto: “Better living through cellophane”) wasted—I mean,
spent—four years turning 5,000 pounds of peanut butter into 432
formulations just so they could find an easier way for you to stick it
on the roof of your dog’s mouth and amuse your friends during the
Superbowl halftime show. Just kidding. According to developer Stewart
Kennedy it was so he could find a way to eat peanut butter without
making a mess. And to think, Jimmy Carter won a Nobel Prize without ever
having thought of that.
So now you can take a P.B. Slice, slap it
on the new IronKids Crustless bread, grab a Welch’s Disposable Jelly
Wipe and—voila!—you have the perfect sandwich. No messy
knives to clean, no waiting 30 seconds for a frozen PB&J to defrost
in the microwave, no taste. Now that’s what I call the perfect
mice have muscles that glow, a scientist in San Diego has gone it one
better by injecting jellyfish genes into the hair follicles of mice so
they grow fur that glows fluorescent green. Cool dude!
Okay, maybe it’s not perfect, we can reserve that accolade for
mice and fluorescence. Think about it, how many times have you misplaced
your mice in the middle of the night and didn’t want to turn on the
light to find them? Or the refrigerator light burned out and you
thought, “Hey, if the mouse that just ran across my foot glowed I
could put it in the refrigerator and find that leftover macaroni and
Spam casserole and have it for a late night snack”? Now, thanks to a
company in Bar Harbor, Maine you can.
Yes, it’s the JAX® GEMM® line of
mice, available at your local drugstore right next to the Don King Chia
Pet and The Clapper. Just kidding. Actually you have to buy them
directly from The Jackson Laboratory. The mice glow because they’re
bred to have fluorescent proteins, one of those silly little things
nature forgot to provide in the first place. They can be bought
separately or as part of the company’s “Induced Mutant Resource
Collection” which you’ll remember was a big hit during fashion week
in Milan this past season. They cost a mere $246 per breeding pair,
minimum order three pair. Shipping and sunglasses for safe fluorescent
viewing extra, of course. They’re usually used for experiments, like
one at Stanford University recently that had something to do with stem
cells helping to rebuild bone marrow, blah, blah, blah, big freakin’
deal. I mean, who cares about bone marrow when you have mice which
double as night lights?
While these mice have muscles that
glow, a scientist in San Diego has gone it one better by injecting
jellyfish genes into the hair follicles of mice so they grow fur that
glows fluorescent green. Cool dude! He hopes this will lead to gene
therapy that will treat hair loss, baldness, and permanently change hair
color, which will be great as long as fluorescent green is an “in”
color this year. Lest you think this is all just a silly exercise
in spending perfectly good grant money making living glow sticks for
baseball games, raves, and emergency proctoscopy, there are legitimate
uses for this technology. For one, it could help fish find their mates.
If there are no males to be found but other females are in
the area, the female goby will turn into a male, even growing male
genitalia. And you thought all the gender switching went on up north in
Believe it or not, this can be a problem for certain fish.
Sometimes the females have trouble finding a male to mate with, which is
a complete reversal of how it is with humans, where women have the pick
of the litter, men beg and grovel to be chosen, and we all pretend this
isn’t the way it really works. If scientists were to inject jellyfish
genes into fish, or The Jackson Laboratory were to release Glo-fish™,
it would make their life much easier. Especially the bluebanded goby, a
fish found in Southern California which, if it can’t find a mate, does
an end run around the problem by changing its sex.
It’s true. If there are no males to
be found but other females are in the area, the female goby will turn
into a male, even growing male genitalia. And you thought all the gender
switching went on up north in San Francisco. While this isn’t as much
fun as the sea hare, which has male and female sex organs so it can do
what people have told me to do to myself all my life, it’s still
pretty cool. Now if the female goby turned into a male and
glowed—can you imagine how nice it would be to have fluorescent
genitals to make things, uh, easier to find in the dark?—Lech Walesa
would have to put them on his TV show.
That’s right. Following a career
path almost as crooked as mine, the former electrician, union leader,
Nobel Peace Prize winner, and President of Poland is hosting a fishing
show on Polish public television. And no, it won’t be called “The
Fishing Pole,” but only because they don’t want to give me and the
2,198,412 other people who thought of that joke any royalties.
Considering the number of fishing shows that already exist, and the
finite number of fish there are to talk about, he’s going to need
something to help his show stand out. And what would be better than
Day-glo transsexual fish? Okay, maybe it would be better if the fish
were sliced, wrapped in cellophane, and tasted good on a sandwich with
jelly. You know, like Tuna Slices, which will be available on your
grocer’s shelf any day now. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them sliced and wrapped in cellophane.