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Caution:
Writing Poetry May Be Hazardous to Your Health
by Mad Dog
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Poets die younger
than novelists, playwrights, and nonfiction writers. They’re also
poorer, get beat up more often, and are really tired of seeing people
roll their eyes when told how they earn their meager living. |
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Most people don’t take
life expectancy into consideration when thinking about a career. Rare is
the high school student who sits down with a guidance counselor and
discusses the job availability, pay scale, potential for advancement,
and average lifespan of investment brokers, doctors, and cowboys. After
all, you know that if you choose to become a police officer, Navy SEAL,
or elementary school teacher you’re taking your life in your hands,
but who would think that if you become a writer, what you write can have
an effect on how long you’ll be doing it?
Well, it does. At least according to
an article in the Journal of Death Studies (motto: “People are
dying to get published in our magazine”). James Kaufman, a researcher
from California State University who wrote the article, studied nearly
2,000 dead writers from the United States, China, Turkey and Eastern
Europe and found that poets die younger than novelists, playwrights, and
nonfiction writers. They’re also poorer, get beat up more often, and
are really tired of seeing people roll their eyes when told how they
earn their meager living. And you wonder why they write such depressing
stuff.
Kaufman’s not sure exactly why it
is that poets die younger, but he has two theories. The first is that
since they have a higher rate of mental illness, alcoholism, and drug
addiction there are more suicides. I know, I was shocked too. The second
is that poets start writing young, churning out twice as much of their
lifetime output in their twenties as do novelists, so if they die at an
early age they may already be known as a poet, while if a novelist dies
young he or she may not have written anything of note yet. Is it any
wonder Zen priests have adopted the new koan “If a great novelist dies
before writing his masterpiece, will he make a sound?”
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This is one of
those instances when winning makes you a loser, much like taking first
place in the International Mime Competition. |
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In spite of their propensity to die at a younger age, poets
aren’t anywhere to be found on the Bureau of Labor Statistics list of
the 10 Most Dangerous Jobs. Lumberjacks are at the top, followed by
fishermen, pilots, and structural metal workers. Keep this in mind the
next time you think about grabbing your rod and reel and hitting the
Bassmasters circuit. Neither is poet on the list of the most stressful
jobs, though prison guard, police officer, social worker, and teacher
are. Hell, even dentists made that list and what do they have to be
stressed about other than being careful not to let the occasional
“Whoops!” slip out while they have a drill in your mouth?
As writing goes, there are definitely
more dangerous jobs than being a poet. Being a foreign journalist in
Iraq immediately comes to mind, as does being an Academy Award-winning
screenwriter. It’s true. According to a study a few years ago by some
Canadian researchers who had more time on their hands than government
oversight, screenwriters who win an Oscar live an average of 3.6 years
less than those who are merely nominated. Winning additional awards cuts
their life expectancy by another 22 percent. Go home with four
statuettes and chances are you’ll die while being handed your next
one. Talk about too much of a good thing.
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Keep all this in mind the next time you get discouraged with
work and romanticize about dropping out and becoming a poet. Consider a
career as a novelist or playwright or nonfiction writer. |
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This is one of those instances when winning makes you a loser,
much like taking first place in the International Mime Competition. The
interesting thing is that it’s just the opposite with actors. In a
previous study, the same researchers found that when an actor wins an
Academy Award he or she tends to live 3.9 years longer than those who
were merely nominated and had to smile when their name wasn’t
announced, trying desperately to imitate someone who actually believes
that being nominated is the honor. Now that’s good acting, especially
since inside they’re crying because the jerk who won will not only get
paid more for their next film, but will outlive them. Of course they
shouldn’t be upset. After all, it’s not as if having stalkers, not
being able to have a quiet dinner out without being hounded for
autographs, and seeing photographs of yourself at your sloppy early
morning worst in People week after week isn’t enough of a
reward.
If you’re looking for a job
that’s easier on you than lumberjack, fisherman, poet, or Academy
Award-winning screenwriter, you might consider the list of the least
stressful jobs as ranked by the Jobs Rated Almanac. At the top of
the list are medical records technician, janitor, forklift operator,
musical instrument repairer, and florist. You’ll notice writing jobs
are nowhere in sight. I can only hope my insurance company’s actuary
doesn’t notice this.
Keep all this in mind the next time
you get discouraged with work and romanticize about dropping out and
becoming a poet. Consider a career as a novelist or playwright or
nonfiction writer. Anything but a poet. And whatever you do, don’t
aspire to be a poet who wins an Academy Award. Life is too short. Or it
would be anyway.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
They're like poetry only without the annoying rhyme.
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