Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

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This Column For Sale. Cheap.
by Mad Dog


Recently I came up with a plan. I put my column up for bid on eBay.
Like most people, Iím always on the lookout for ways to make more money, especially if I can do it without working harder, longer, or preferably, at all. Itís bad enough that I wasnít born independently wealthy as I should have been ó something my therapist, my mother, and I are still working through ó because Iím good at spending money. Too good, in fact. If you donít believe me, just ask my credit card companies.

   The problem is Iím not good at amassing money. It certainly doesnít make me feel any better to learn that Warren Buffet earned $567 million the other day without having to do anything but vote ďyesĒ to a merger between Gillette and Proctor and Gamble. Yes, thatís half a billion dollars. In one day. He didnít create anything, invent anything, help anyone, or even have to get out of bed to do it. On top of that, he probably already gets all the razor blades heíll ever need free. Thatís what I call a dream job. Heck, Iíd vote ďyesĒ to just about anything other than cloning Paris Hilton if it meant I could earn that kind of money.

   Recently I came up with a plan. It was revealed that syndicated commentator Armstrong Williams had been paid $240,000 by the Department of Education (a wholly owned division of the United States Government) to plug, promote, and otherwise shill for President Bushís No Child Left Behind education program on his radio show and in his newspaper column. That hit home because I write a column, I need money, and I have about the same level of ethics as a rampaging Mongol horde. Well, back in the good old days when rampaging hordes were in vogue, anyway. So I put my column up for bid on eBay. The ad read:


Sadly, I didnít get a single bid, and Iím cheap. I mean, the bidding was to start at $10, how much cheaper can you get?

Syndicated commentary for rent

Do you have an agenda you need promoted and want to make sure people say kind things about it? Bid on a promotional plug in a new blog (Doggy Style at maddogblog.com). And why not? It came out the other day that the Education Department paid $240,000 to syndicated commentator Armstrong Williams to promote President Bushís No Child Left Behind education program on his radio show and newspaper column, why should you be left behind? If the bid is high enough it will be included in a full-fledged humor column on The Mad Dog Weekly (maddogproductions.com). Think of the exposure!

 

Get the word out. And get it out the way you want it out, regardless of the truth. Remember, Let no Propaganda Be Left Behind.

 

[Bidding is open to government agencies only.]

   Sadly, I didnít get a single bid, and Iím cheap. I mean, the bidding was to start at $10, how much cheaper can you get? It was particularly sad since about a week later it came out that newspaper columnist Maggie Gallagher had been given $21,500 from the Department of Health and Human Services, and $20,000 from the Justice Department, for promoting a government marriage initiative in her syndicated columns. Something tells me the initiative wasnít about gays getting married either. As if that wasnít bad enough, it turned out that Michael McManus, yet another columnist, was paid to push the same thing. So the question arose: How do I climb aboard this gravy train?


 Iíve already prepared a column with blanks left in it. The column is positive, upbeat, and very persuasive. All I need to do is drop the name of the government program in the slots and itís ready to go. 
   I scoured the federal governmentís web site (motto: ďWe donít need no stinkiní privacy policyĒ) looking for a commentary leasing program I could apply for, but they were nowhere to be found. I came across a listing looking for a fashion consultant for Dick Cheney so he doesnít embarrass himself and the rest of the country again like he did when he went to the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz wearing a green snow parka, brown hiking boots, and a knit ski cap that reads ďStaff 2001Ē while the other world leaders were dressed in respectful, conservative black. I also found a listing looking for someone to operate a 5-second delay on George Bushís mouth so he doesnít have to apologize for what he says, such as when he recently admitted, ďOne of the things Iíve learned is that sometimes words have consequences you donít intend them to. ĎBring Ďem oní is a classic example.Ē Those could both be fun and profitable jobs but theyíre not what I was looking for. They sound too much like work.

   So I reposted my listing on eBay  in the hopes that the increased notoriety the column for rent field has been getting of late will boost the chances of my receiving at least one bid. Iíve already prepared a column with blanks left in it. The column is positive, upbeat, and very persuasive. All I need to do is drop the name of the government program in the slots and itís ready to go. Itís quick, easy, painless, and as I said, Iím cheap. My credit card companies will thank you.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while you can.

 

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