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That
Diamond Just Might Be Your Best Friend
by Mad Dog
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His family
disclosed that he wanted his ashes to be mixed in with the plastic of a
special edition Frisbee. And why not? Who among us hasn’t had the urge
to play with a loved one long after they died? |
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If you’re like most
people, you try to live your life well. You’re kind to animals, you
feel like your job makes the world a better place in which to live, and
you do volunteer work to help your fellow humans. So why is it that once
we’re dead we just don’t give a damn anymore? We put our body in the
ground where it fertilizes the grass above it, which wouldn’t even be
there were it not for the bodies beneath it. Or else we’re cremated
and spend eternity in an urn on the mantle, or even stranger, buried in
a cemetery which defeats the purpose. Either way, that’s it. The end. Finito.
It’s this type of short-sighted, egocentric, lack of concern for our
fellow man attitude that leads people to embarrass themselves, their
friends, and their family by appearing on 30 Seconds to Fame. Not
to mention spending the time after death being useless. Luckily some
people are trying to change this.
Take “Steady Ed” Headrick, for
example. He’s the man who invented the Pro Model Frisbee and was the
father of disc golf, a game in which the goal is to throw a Frisbee into
a metal basket. It’s a hybrid sport that combines the best of golf,
basketball, and hanging around the parking lot waiting for a Phish
concert. After Headrick’s recent death, his family disclosed that he
wanted his ashes to be mixed in with the plastic of a special edition
Frisbee. And why not? Who among us hasn’t had the urge to play with a
loved one long after they died?
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They figured that
since diamonds are made of carbon, and people are made of carbon, why
not make diamonds out of people? |
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He’s
certainly not the first person to want the living to enjoy him after
he’s gone. People have had their cremains stuffed into firework shells
so they and their loved ones can have one final blast together. Others
have had theirs incorporated into artificial reefs, allowing the family
to remember Dad hanging around a different kind of dive. And in 1997 a
special edition of the comic book Squadron Supreme was printed
using ink which contained the ashes of Marvel Comics artist Mark
Gruenwald, creating quite an ethical dilemma for his family when they
had to decide if it was proper to wash the ink off their hands after
they read it.
But
what about those of us who want to be more private about it, yet still
want our loved ones to continue bringing us daily joy? It’s simple:
have them turned into a diamond. Yes, thanks to a Chicago area company,
Grandma can now be the choker Mom said she was when she was growing up,
men will be able to have their wives wrapped around their little
finger—literally—which is something they could only dream about
during all those years of marriage, and women will be able to have hubby
mounted on an earring so he can finally be the stud she always wished
he’d been while he was alive.
The idea for LifeGem arose after its
creators realized that everyone on the Internet had already been
contacted by a Nigerian citizen trying to get them to hand over their
bank account in return for money some forgetful oil company supposedly
left in the bank. This meant they’d have to dream up something new.
They figured that since diamonds are made of carbon, and people are made
of carbon, why not make diamonds out of people? It’s a good thing they
swore off drugs at that point or their logic would have taken them to
the next step: People are full of crap, toilets are full of crap,
therefore we should make toilets out of people’s cremains. I don’t
know about you, but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing I was
sitting on Aunt Jean every day with my pants down around my ankles.
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Of course it would be pretty tough if you lost it. Not only
would you be out a nice diamond and all the money you paid for it,
you’d be losing your loved one for a second time. |
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They
start by taking the cremated ashes and heating them to 5,400 degrees,
which is roughly the temperature the average male gets when thinking
about making a home video with Pamela Anderson. This burns off the
impurities and converts the carbon to graphite. At this point you can
take the cheap approach and turn your loved one into the center of a No.
2 pencil or use them to make locks turn more easily. Just kidding.
Actually WD-40 does a much better job. And it’s cheaper. But as long
as you’ve come this far you might as well let them ship the pile of
Graphite Formerly Known As Dad to one of their affiliate labs in Russia
and Germany. Then, as long as FedEx doesn’t lose the package,
they’ll pack the graphite around a tiny piece of diamond which acts as
a starter, much like sourdough, and subject it to high temperature and
extreme pressure—about 80,000 times that of the atmosphere—for seven
to 10 days. The result is a beautiful blue cubic zirconium loved one.
Just kidding. Actually it’s a blue gem-quality diamond which you can
then mount on a piece of jewelry or have embedded in your front tooth.
The cost for this is between $8,000
and $17,000, depending on whether you want two one-quarter-carat
diamonds or a single ostentatious three-quarter-carat one. This is
pretty pricey when you compare it to the cost of a diamond on the Home
Shopping Network, but LifeGem guarantees that Uncle Jack will rank high
in the Four Cs of diamond quality: cut, clarity, color, and cremains. Of
course it would be pretty tough if you lost it. Not only would you be
out a nice diamond and all the money you paid for it, you’d be losing
your loved one for a second time. This is the kind of trauma deep-seated
emotional problems spring from.
So while it’s true you can’t take
it with you, nobody ever said anything about not being able to leave
yourself behind. And remember, a diamond is forever, especially when
it’s not just Mom’s, but is Mom.
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them before you do the crossword puzzle with Uncle George.
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