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Will The Real Saddam Please Stand Up?
by Mad Dog


The expert concluded that not only did Saddam have three body doubles who appeared on his behalf, but that the real Saddam hadnít shown his face in public from 1988 until this past September.
Itís been said that we each have a look-alike somewhere in the world. Personally I find this very scary, but then maybe Iím unusual in not liking the idea of walking down a street in, say, Romania and bumping into myself. Well, not unless the theme from The Twilight Zone automatically fills the air at moments like that. Itís bad enough my image in the mirror looks a lot like me, at least it canít walk around charging clothes to my credit card so when I contest the bill they point out that the sizes are exactly the same as those I wear.

   Thatís not to say there arenít times when a doppelganger would come in handy. If youíre married, you could send one to your in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner while you went to your parentís house and no one would be the wiser. You could dispatch your double to do the things you donít want to do, like go to the office Christmas party, get that root canal done, and watch the 20-part PBS documentary about the history of matchbook covers. Well, as long as your double liked that sort of thing. If you were the leader of a country like, say, Iraq, you could round up a bunch of look-alikes to take your place so you wouldnít have to do all those icky boring things the public expects of you, such as give speeches, cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new Saddam-Martô in downtown Baghdad, and meet U.N. weapons inspectors at the airport with cheap plastic leis.


Jesse Ventura used a body double during a photo shoot for a campaign commercial. He said he did it because he didnít have time to spend 10 hours at a photo shoot. Hey, it was a better excuse than ďThe dog ate my feather boa.Ē
   Yet thatís exactly what Saddam Hussein does. No, he doesnít meet inspectors at the airport with anything except automatic weapons and a return ticket to U.N headquarters. What he does do is have mini-Saddams stand in for him. Recently a German public television station, ZDF, had a forensic specialist study 450 photographs and video clips of the Iraqi president taken over the past 14 years. After realizing that he wasnít watching Omar Shariff movies and Laraís Theme was never going to play in the background, the expert concluded that not only did Saddam have three body doubles who appeared on his behalf, but that the real Saddam hadnít shown his face in public from 1988 until this past September. That, of course, leads one to wonder what in the world Saddamís been doing all this time, especially since the infrastructure in Iraq is so bad that you know he doesnít have good enough Internet access to be spending his free time searching for fake nude photos of Anna Kournikova.

   Saddamís doubles donít just rely on their natural born, uh, beauty. They take poise lessons also. Just kidding. Actually they undergo cosmetic surgery to make them look more like the real thing. This isnít any late breaking newsflash. In the mid-1990s a man who was a double for Saddamís sonóa mini-mini-me, if you willóexposed this practice when he defected to the West so he wouldnít have to undergo another operation. Well, that and he got tired of being asked ďWhen are you going to stop playing with that G.I. Joe and start oppressing the other kids already?Ē And having Dad tell him to ďPull my trigger finger.Ē


Are we certain that when the Israelis are demolishing Yasser Arafatís compound in Ramallah theyíre not going after Ringo Starr by accident? Tell me, have you ever seen a photograph of the two of them together?
   Saddam isnít the first political leader to use a body double. Here in the good old U.S. of A., Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura used one during a photo shoot for a campaign commercial. He said he did it because he didnít have time to spend 10 hours at a photo shoot. Hey, it was a better excuse than ďThe dog ate my feather boa.Ē Besides, movie stars do it all the time, and if you canít trust that to be Rene Russoís butt, what can you trust?

   All this brings up a problem about fomenting a regime change in Iraq: If we track down Saddam Hussein, how will we know itís the real one? It would be like a Whack-a-Mole game where even if we hit the Saddam it might be an imposter and another one would pop up somewhere else. So many Saddams, so few Stealth bombers. It would be like an episode of the Patty Duke show run through a Xerox machine. Where would it end? How would we know when we have the real prize? And most importantly, each time we get a Saddam can we upgrade the SpongeBob SquarePants stuffed toy for a larger one until we finally win the giant grossly overstuffed Anna Nicole Smith doll?

    This definitely makes me wonder if Saddam is the only one doing this. Might there be spare George Bushes floating around who spend their off duty time learning the fine art of malapropisms? Are we certain that when the Israelis are demolishing Yasser Arafatís compound in Ramallah theyíre not going after Ringo Starr by accident? Tell me, have you ever seen a photograph of the two of them together? And really, how do we know thatís really Vladimir Putin asking to open up a Chechen account at the Moscow Savings and Loan, and not Frank Gorshin after a botox party, still thinking heís The Riddler? With luck weíll hear the theme from The Twilight Zone. That would be a good tip off.

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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