Beware The Potty Patrol
by Mad Dog

   The reason they’re trying to take the “rest” out of restroom is that the parents of Ford executives tried to potty train them too young. Just kidding. Actually they’re doing this because they say workers who spend too much time in the bathroom are slowing down production, and considering Ford’s North American automotive operations lost $1.2 billion last quarter, they need to do something. Hence the “Potty Less, Profit More” program. Lord knows it’s easier to make workers stand around fidgeting with their legs clamped tightly together than it is to design small, reliable, reasonably priced cars that get great gas mileage.

   Hourly workers at the Ford plant are allowed 48 minutes per shift for bathroom breaks. That averages out to 6 minutes per hour, which is barely enough time to read the sports section, better yet get to the op-ed page and Ann Landers. I’m just guessing, but I have a hunch managers can spend as much time in the restroom as they like. Hell, they can probably read the Wall Street Journal cover to cover, call their stockbroker, and still have time to gripe because they can never find the comics, all without anyone even considering tattling on them. Chrysler says it’s not going to follow suit because it would be, in a spokesperson’s words, “too anal,” even though their workers get 2 minutes less per shift. And yes, there's an “f” in that last word.

   I have no doubt a new reality TV show called Thumbs Up! would be a hit — in fact, it could be sponsored by Wendy’s chili and would have to be endorsed by Ebert and Roeper — but there might be a teeny tiny constitutional question about the punishment fitting the crime. Not to mention that it wouldn’t be a direct deterrent. After all, you can still use a spray paint can if you have no thumbs. And a slot machine, which is probably why Goodman isn’t too worried about losing customers.

   Goodman actually has another plan, one that he thinks will result in fewer thumb choppings. And lower Nielson ratings, but hey, you can’t have everything. He says whipping and caning children should be brought back. "In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes," he said, safe in the knowledge that people aren’t decapitated anymore for poor grammar. Be careful what you wish for, Mayor. Don’t forget that in old France they had a nasty habit of beheading rulers they didn’t like. Remember Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette, and Louis’ sister Elizabeth?

   That’s right, their stomach. In a speech before the American College of Gastroenterology (motto: “The way to a doctor’s new car is through your stomach”), researchers from the University of Texas revealed that by monitoring the response of a person’s stomach muscles they could accurately determine when that person was burping. I mean, lying. They think this could turn out to be a better indicator than the current polygraph, but before we get too excited let’s not forget that at one point scientists thought the Sun revolved around the Earth, lead could be changed into gold, and that humans evolved from monkeys. Scientists can be so silly.

   All this doesn’t bode well for workers at the Ford truck plant. Sure they can stock up on Imodium AD and not drink water all day. And yes, they can work on their abs of hard-to-read steel. But they’ll still need to worry about what scheme management will dream up next to save a few bucks. It’s enough to make your stomach queasy. I sure hope you haven’t used up your toilet time for today.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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