Ten Reasons Why Robots Are Better Than Children
by Mad Dog

Obviously the Japanese look at robots differently than we do. While we use them to build cars that fall apart quickly, they’re using them to fulfill their nurturing needs.

   Toddler replacement is nothing new. It started with Cabbage Patch Kids. They begat Teddy Ruxpin, which begat Furby, which begat Ubu-love, an interactive doll that for some odd reason lays an egg, much as Kevin Costner did with his last few films. Then came Primopuel, a human-looking monkey doll that talks in a childlike voice and has a repertoire of over 200 phrases. Kind of like Victoria Jackson with an “off” switch. Over 100,000 childless women in Japan have snapped them up at $65 each. Okay, 6,980 yen. This should come as no surprise since this is, after all, the country that gave us Hello Kitty, Tamagotchi, and ATMs that sterilize and iron money before dispensing it.

   But what do you do once your Primopuel is couple of years old and still stuck on only 200 phrases? Face it, no one wants a slow learner doll as their surrogate offspring. Luckily Japanese researchers are one step ahead of us. They’ve just released Wakamaru, a $14,300 robot that’s shaped like a child, recognizes the faces of up to 10 people, and speaks with a vocabulary of 10,000 words. Its manufacturer, Mitsubishi-Heavy Industries Ltd., says it can give you a wake-up call, remind you of your day’s schedule, and if linked to a mobile phone, can be both housesitter and security guard. I’d like to see your toddler do that without breaking the child labor laws.

   This points out another cultural difference. In the United States we’d arrest the robot for child molestation or imitating Michael Jackson, prompting Congress to spend weeks debating whether we need more specific laws against it when they could be using that time to do something more constructive, like going on free trips with lobbyists who wouldn’t think of wanting anything in return. In Japan, on the other hand, they display the robot proudly and put it on sale for $93,000. Heck, you can’t even buy a junior Senator for that money in the U.S.

   Since the Japanese are known for being trendsetters — after all, they ate sushi, used a Walkman, and visited Pearl Harbor before I did — we should look closely at this fad and see if maybe they’re onto something. Since I know you don’t have time to do this, and I have way too much, I’ve done it for you.

Ten Reasons Why Robots Are Better Than Children

You can turn robots off, return them to the store where you bought them, or throw them in the recycling bin without worrying about who your cellmate will be and which one of you will be on top. I’m referring to the sleeping bunks, of course.

2. They won’t wake you up in the middle of the night, swing the cat around by its tail, or whine. If they do, you can take out their batteries and not get a visit from Child Protective Services.

3. Robots are cheaper than babies. Well, unless you buy babies from Gangusamy Ramachandran, the man in India who was arrested recently for trying to sell a youngster for $22.83. While this sounds outrageous, he claims that’s exactly what he paid for it.

4. You don’t lose your youthful figure by getting a robot. On the other hand, you can’t use it as an excuse for having lost your youthful figure.

5. Robots come with a warranty.

6. Robots save you money by not needing the latest, trendiest, and most expensive clothes, not sucking up every penny you could be spending on yourself so they can go to college and get a degree they won’t use when they decide being a multi-pierced barrista at Starbucks qualifies as a career path, and not hitting you up for a Primopuel when they’re thirty and don’t want children yet still would like something around the house that can say cute things, none of them being “Honey, what are you thinking?”

7. Robots don’t mind sitting at home alone for two weeks while you’re in Cancun. If you do take them, you can check them as baggage and not pay for a seat.

8. Fewer headaches, though to be fair you can’t blame all your headaches on children. A man in South Korea who had a headache for four years recently went to a doctor who discovered he had a 2-inch nail in his skull. There wasn’t the first child in there. See what I mean?

9. You can turn robots off, return them to the store where you bought them, or throw them in the recycling bin without worrying about who your cellmate will be and which one of you will be on top. I’m referring to the sleeping bunks, of course.

10. Two words: no adolescence.

 ©2000, 2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting for the robot to arrive.

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