Up The Economic Doo-doo
by Mad Dog
The company blames
the falloff on the fact that people haven’t been using as much toilet
paper since September 11th. It turns out that in times of crisis,
personal hygiene is the first thing to go.
||They used to say war is
good for the American economy, but like “When you grow up you can be
anything you want”, “The harder you work the more money you’ll
make”, and “It’s the funniest comedy of the year!”, you can’t
believe anything anymore.
It’s true the economy was tanking
before the tanks started rolling, but since then it’s only gotten
worse. Now the economy’s shrinking faster than a cheap T-shirt that
says “My parents went to a refugee camp in Afghanistan and all I got
was this lousy T-shirt and some peanut butter and jelly.”
That’s why the Federal Reserve
Board keeps lowering the interest rate. It’s supposed to be the
incentive that kicks us out of the door and into the stores where we buy
lots of nice, new, expensive things we can’t afford and don’t need.
At the rate it’s dropping we’re about two weeks away from going into
negative numbers, which will spawn an entirely new marketing concept:
“Buy a new car and we’ll pay you 4% interest a month!”
In the meantime a lot of businesses
are being hurt. Airlines, restaurants, cruise ships, and even Disney
World are suffering. Kimberly-Clark, the maker of Kleenex and Scott
toilet paper, saw quarterly profits fall for the first time in three
years. Kimberly Clark the porn star, by the way, is doing just fine. The
company blames the falloff on the fact that people haven’t been using
as much toilet paper since September 11th. It turns out that in times of
crisis, personal hygiene is the first thing to go. Just kidding.
Actually it’s second. The first is being able to tell the difference
between anthrax and the flour you just spilled on the kitchen floor.
The men who
operate the motocrottes are about to hit the unemployment line. Motocrottes
are the bright green motor scooters with a built-in vacuum cleaner—
officially called caninettes— which zip around Paris sucking up
the dog crap.
The truth is, hotels, airports, and office buildings haven’t
been buying as many rolls of toilet paper as they used to. Yes, it turns
out it’s the businesspeople and tourists who let their personal
hygiene go to hell at the first sign of a crisis.
It’s not only toilet paper that’s
going down the drain. Kodak reports that their sales dropped 13 percent
because people are staying home and don’t think taking photos of the
family sitting in front of the TV watching the new fall TV season flop
is something they’ll want to remember the rest of their lives. This is
an example of wrong thinking. If you don’t take photos how do you
expect to remember one flopping season from the next?
Meanwhile other companies are doing
well. Campbell’s soups are flying off the shelves as people restock
their fallout shelters and storm cellars. Since they’re staying home
more they’re renting more videos, which is why Blockbuster’s
quarterly earnings almost doubled over last year’s. Cocooning has
turned into blockading, rubber glove manufacturing is way up, and thanks
to the gloves and respirators, everyone is starting to look like Michael
Jackson. You can’t say the guy wasn’t a trendsetter. The next thing
you know we’ll all be putting out CDs no one cares about.
Because business is down, a lot of
people are being laid off, and it’s not just here in the U.S.
Remember, we live in a global economy now, which is a fancy term for
Follow The Leader. In France, for example, the men who operate the motocrottes
are about to hit the unemployment line. Motocrottes are the
bright green motor scooters with a built-in vacuum cleaner—officially
called caninettes—which zip around Paris sucking up the dog
crap. Or should I say, some of the dog crap.
Actually this is a bargain when you realize that in London
it can cost $750. And you have to watch Mr. Bean reruns until you
Paris, in case you’ve never had to spend time in a charming
little hotel on Rue St. Jacques cleaning your shoes in the bidet, is
known for its mongrel minefields. Dogs leave a whopping 16 tons of waste
on Parisian streets every day. That’s a lot of crap, maybe even more
than Geraldo Rivera shovels on any given night. Maybe. It’s 480 tons a
month, 5,840 a year, and more than Oprah weighed at her peak. Though not
It’s not as if they don’t try.
After all, the city spends $10 million a year attempting to keep the dog
doo off the streets. But since there’s no law forcing Parisians to
clean up after their 200,000 dogs, it’s bound to pile up. This is
about to change. As of January 1st the same people who hand out parking
tickets will also be passing out tickets for not scooping the poop. The
first offense will set you back $180, subsequently rising to $420 and no
Jerry Lewis for a month. Actually this is a bargain when you realize
that in London it can cost $750. And you have to watch Mr. Bean reruns
until you actually laugh.
This is going to be tough on the
people of Paris, where the rallying cry is still: Liberté! Fraternité!,
So what’s it to you? But like the rest of us, they need
to tighten their belts while the government saves money and boosts the
economy. Now if the Federal Reserve would finally lower interest rates
enough that we do actually go out and buy all the crap they want us to,
we could hire all those unemployed motocrottes. After all,
we’re going to need people to help clean up all that crap. See, the
global economy really can work.
©2001 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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Read them helping the economy by using more toilet paper.