The Species of the Origin
by Mad Dog

   They say all champagne should come from the Champagne region of France, feta cheese should be made only in Greece, and haggis should be exclusively cooked up in Scotland. Just kidding about the haggis. It doesn’t really need to be protected since no one else in the world has ever considered boiling lamb offal and oatmeal in a sheep’s stomach, not even in Biafra during the worst of their famine.

   Other food names the EU wants reserved include Bordeaux, ouzo, Gorgonzola, and Italian Parma ham, which the Italians are upset about because they can’t sell it in Canada under that name. It seems a company there already holds the trademark to “Parma Ham” for a product it makes in Canada. Parma, Ontario, Canada, of course. If this doesn’t get straightened out quickly the Italians might retaliate by making their own Canada Dry ginger ale, Prince Albert tobacco, and Canadian bacon, which would actually be a money saver when they cook up Hawaiian pizzas. Right, like any self-respecting Italian would want pineapple and Canadian bacon on a pizza. Of course this could open a whole new can of, uh, pineapple, since Hawaii might decide that no one but they have the right to use their state’s name on a pizza. See how quickly this gets messy?

   Although U.S. vintners aren’t yet barred from using the name champagne, out of respect for the bubbly product which originated in France many already use terms like sparkling wine, Methode Champenoise, and Cold Duck to differentiate their products from beverages you’d enjoy drinking. Lest you think the EU is being too demanding, remember that they haven’t asked that all frankfurters be made in Frankfurt, Danish pastries baked in Denmark, or English Leather made in England. Just kidding about the last one. Everyone knows English Leather comes from a decomposing landfill in Lodi, New Jersey.

   The Europeans aren’t the only ones becoming possessive about their products. In India they say Darjeeling tea should only come from their country, while Thailand claims the name Basmati rice should be exclusively theirs. Here in the United States we have our own products to protect. Like American cheese. Even though no other country has ever shown any interest in making it—probably because they’re afraid to find out what’s in it or why it comes individually wrapped in plastic like Cheese For Dummies—we shouldn’t take any chances. After all, there’s no telling how vindictive the EU might feel if Wisconsin doesn’t stop making feta. That’s why we should bargain hard to ensure that no one in Europe tries to make Mississippi mud pie, New York style pizza, or Rocky Mountain oysters, not that it’s likely anyone would consider doing the latter. At least not if they have any idea what they really are.

   Luckily some countries are making concessions. For a while Greece was insisting that kalamata olives could only come from their country but they relented. Switzerland wanted their Etivaz cheese protected until they found out no one else had ever heard of it. And Britain agreed to remove Blue Stilton from the list, but only if the Tony Awards are renamed so people don’t think their Prime Minister is sponsoring them.

   It’s a good thing they’re not being too hard-headed. If they push too much the U.S. might have to retaliate by forcing the Europeans to not use the name Arnold unless they’re referring to California’s governor, even though Benedict Arnold, also-ran Gary Coleman’s TV character, and the pig on Green Acres had claim to the name first. But that’s okay because they all have the same country of origin, even though Arnold the Pig is rumored to have been shipped to Parma, Canada to be preserved for posterity. Or rather, for breakfast. But whatever you do, don’t even think about making French toast to go with him. You know, I think I just lost my appetite completely.

©2003 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them no matter what you call them.